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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Help!!!

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Author Topic: Help!!!
PurpleShore9
Neophyte
Member # 83968

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Hi everyone. I know that what I'm asking for is quite broad, but I don't know how to ask for help in any other way.

I'm 19 and I am repressed sexually. I have never been able to talk to people about sex - I've always been too nervous/uncomfortable - and it's starting to mess me up. Before this year, I wasn't that into the whole dating/sex thing. I don't know why, but that's just the way it was.

This year has been crazy, though. I had my first crush a few months ago and everything's been out of control since then. Now all I think about is relationships and sex. But I can't talk to anyone about it. Either I'm uncomfortable talking about it to a person or the person doesn't want to hear a thing. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

All I ask is for someone who I can vent to, talk to, and be able to ask questions to. If someone is willing to do that, please let me know; I'd be forever grateful to you.

Posts: 12 | From: Florida | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

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You can definitely vent here, and we're more than happy to answer any questions you may have. You're far from the only person to find talking about sex awkward and uncomfortable as well, so if you'd like some help with figuring out how to become more comfortable with that, we can work on that too.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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PurpleShore9
Neophyte
Member # 83968

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Great! Thank you Karybu!

My first question is: how weird/perverted is it to want to discuss sex with the intention of being aroused?

On the same topic, how weird/perverted is it to want to have cyber sex via instant messaging?

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KittenGoddess
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1679

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We're not fans of calling things "weird" or "perverted." Those terms are pretty ambiguous. As long as whatever is going on isn't hurting anyone, is consensual, and is legal, there's no reason to worry about it being "weird." On it's own, there is certainly nothing wrong with talking about sex to be aroused or about having cyber sex.

[ 10-21-2011, 08:37 AM: Message edited by: KittenGoddess ]

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Sarah Liz

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PurpleShore9
Neophyte
Member # 83968

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All right.

Another issue I'm having is resisting the urge to have sex. In the past, I have made it a point to not have sex until I am married (or at least in a long-term relationship). But recently, because I have been sort of blind-sided by this increase in sexual interest, I am finding it excruciatingly difficult to maintain that plan. In addition, these urges have been negatively affecting my schoolwork and my personal life at large.

Can anyone help me or give me tips on how to reduce/redirect these urges? Whether it's meditation, a particular cyber sex site, or anything else, I would appreciate any and all help.

Thanks everyone! :-)

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techie
Activist
Member # 61437

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Have you read Does Abstinence Make The Heart Grow Fonder?? It's got some good information on making and maintaining the choice to remain celibate, and healthy direction of sexual energy.

Of course, if you were never really "into the whole dating/sex thing" when you made the decision to wait until marriage, now that your feelings are changing, it may be a decision that you might choose to evaluate and see if you still feel its appropriate for you and your life now.

Hope that helps and gives you something to think about [Smile]

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PurpleShore9
Neophyte
Member # 83968

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That definitely helped, techie; thank you!

I apologize that I keep venting on you all; I appreciate your patience with me and my problems [Smile]

I have another issue that I'd like to bring up. I am having issues with dating as well. I have never been on a date, been kissed, or been in a relationship. And I don't know how or what to do to enter into a relationship.

And I seriously know absolutely nothing. How do I act in front of a girl? How do I know if a girl likes me? How can I gain self-confidence (I am very overweight)? How does the whole process go from friends to asking her on a date to the first date (and how the first date goes) to the first kiss to asking her to be my girlfriend?

If anyone can give me even a rough idea of how the process works (and reassurance as well - I feel like I'm damaged goods because no one will even go on a date with me), I would greatly appreciate it.

And I will repost this in the relationships section. I know that this particular post doesn't belong in this area, but I feel safe with you all. And I appreciate you all not judging me or groaning or anything - I am really, truly, absolutely grateful.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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There really isn't one set of rules for any of this, nor one way it all goes. It's very variable depending on each of the people involved, their chemistry, timing, the works. And a lot of people don't really date-date at all, but instead more casually hang out. Again, what people want around this depends on the individual.

But with someone who is a friend, it's often one of those things where you'll spend time together, and if both of you are feeling sexual/romantic chemistry, one or both of you might initiate spending some time alone, even if that's just a walk alone or something during a group hangout. Or a question like, "Hey, want to do something together again sometime soon?" And then you talk about what it is. If you want something less fuzzy, you can identify a common interest when you're talking and then ask around whatever that is. For instance, you both say you like monkeys, and so you ask if that person would like to go to that awesome Monkey Zoo in Miami. (I have no idea if you're near there: I just had a friend once who wouldn't go with me when we were there, and I have remained fixated on the monkey zoo ever after.)

You say no one will go on a date with you: can you give us a picture of what that looks like? Like, you're asked people to hang out with you and they've all said no? Or something else?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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