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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Unable to feel pleasure...

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Author Topic: Unable to feel pleasure...
Kitkat007
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My boyfriend and I fool around but have never had vaginal sex. It's been five months of incredibly frustrating sexual moments. No matter what my boyfriend does, I never feel anything pleasurable. On occasions I do feel pain so I know that I should be feeling something pleasurable. He's the first boyfriend I've ever been intimate with and I'm really worried there's somethig wrong with me. I've been able to satisfy him but I've never felt anything. Mostly I moan to make him feel better and out of amazement that he's even touching me there because I grew up in such a conservative family.
One of my friends jokingly asked if we have had sex yet and that if I haven't orgasmed yet then there must be something wrong with me. I'm starting to think they're right. This issue has lead to multiple fights whenever I bring it up to my boyfriend. I'm not sure exactly what 'pleasure' is supposed to feel but I'm almost positive I've never felt it. It's discouraging. Help!

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Alergnon
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Hello Kitkatoo7,
To feel an organism it's different for each person. Some people say you breathe heavier and you shake. Or you feel like you need to pee or realse something. Each person is different. That's all I really know about.

Alergnon

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Kachina
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Hi Kitkat, welcome to Scarleteen! First, let me assure you there is nothing wrong with you!

Do you feel aroused when you are with your boyfriend? Do you feel pleasure when touch yourself? Have you ever orgasmed form masturbation?

Why does talking about this lead to fights with your boyfriend? Partners have to be able to communicate about things like sex in order to have a pleasurable experience and a healthy relationship. Can you tell me more about what the fighting is about?

Check out these articles and see if any of them help:
Yield for Pleasure
With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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Kitkat007
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I definately feel aroused but the few times I have tried to masturbate, it's nothing. I've never had an orgasm and I don't know what that would even feel like.

We had a fight last night about it which is why I made this post. He had given me oral for the first time but it honestly didn't feel like anything. I think he was upset at himself for not being able to pleasure me and I was upset for not feeling anything.

We took a break to cool down and then talked about why this might have happened. I come from a really conservative family and have been sexually assaulted so sexual things in general are uncomfortable for me but we've been taking it slow. He respects my boundaries when I say I'm not ready for something yet. Also, when we do fool around its always at one of our houses with parents in another room. I think being on edge about having parents walk in has made me not be able to focus on the connection between us.

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Robin Lee
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I think you've hit something really key there with the idea that you feel on edge, just waiting to be interrupted. Most of us enjoy things, sexual and otherwise, more when we're relaxed. Eating food or watching a movie wouldn't be half so enjoyable if we were constantly expecting to be interrupted.

So be gentle with yourself.

Do you think your boyfriend would be willing to read some of the articles on this site with you? That way you could talk about things together.

One you might like to look at together (in addition to the ones already listed above) is:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist
You can use this with your boyfriend, or by yourself, to think about what you would and wouldn't like to do sexually.

If you want to experience more sensation from genital contact, and figure out how to have orgasms, that's great. You can use a lot of the info on this site to find out more about your body and you can always ask us specific questions. But I want to say that there's nothing wrong with you if you haven't had an orgasm.

I also want to say that you can have fun with your boyfriend without genital contact (or with genital contact for him, but not yet for you). Unfortunately we grow up with this idea of genital contact as being the thing we aim for, and while it's really fun and enjoyable for many people, I like to think that what we aim for is pleasure. Are there other things that you and your boyfriend do (say, kissing, cuddling, stroking over clothes, etc) that feel really good to you? It's okay to stick with those things for now.

I've written a lot here, and hope you don't feel bombarded. It sounds like, in spite of the fighting, your boyfriend wants to work with you. again, if he's willing to read through this site with you and discuss things, I think it would be really great for the two of you. Remember, it's what *you* want to do that's the goal, not what other people think you should be doing by this stage in your life, relationship, or both.

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Robin

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RosemaryS
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Apart from the history of abuse, I know where you're coming from.
My boyfriend and I have been having sex for a year (exactly, actually haha). His family is Catholic and immigrated from Mexico about fifteen years ago, so they're fairly set in the traditional customs. I wasn't allowed in his house for the first year and a half we were together because traditionally, girls don't come into the home until they are married into the home. My family is more liberal on my mother's side, but I was fifteen when I lost my virginity so it's not like we had my family's blessing (just so you know where I'm coming from).

We started fooling around and having sex in my room at my aunt's house, which is directly above the living room, and we were originally required to keep the door open. I was terrified of being caught haha. Because we both had to be listening to footsteps on the stairs, we couldn't have our minds entirely on each other. Sex was always a little uncomfortable (somewhat physically, and also emotionally) for me for the first... quite a while. Six or seven months, at least. I loved my boyfriend, but neither of us could relax and just be aroused and enjoy being together. I didn't get very wet at all and never really enjoyed sex beyond being close to him. Of course I never orgasmed, and I promised him I'd never fake anything, so he knew sex wasn't great for me. Initially, he had expected to be able to make me orgasm pretty much the first time. I think this is something nobody ever really talks to guys about, they just hear what friends brag about or what they see in movies or games or pornos haha and expect all girls will come when graced with the presence of their penis. So it was a blow to his self-esteem and he was upset and angry with himself and sad and it caused tension in our relationship for quite a while. I cried over it more than a few times because I was disappointed in myself.
Then we got caught having sex. By the police. In his car. It was awful. We weren't allowed to see each other for a while and his mom wouldn't speak to him and he was an emotional mess and didn't want to have sex for a very long time. I'm not saying it was good that it happened, but when it eventually did blow over a few months later, my mom and aunt knew we were having sex; it became a lot easier to relax and enjoy being with him without being afraid someone would interrupt. Sex was still pretty bad for a while because we had no rhythm and were conditioned not to make any noise or let ourselves go. But once we got comfortable and got to know each other better sexually, sex improved drastically. I haven't orgasmed yet, but neither of us worries about it anymore because it feels GREAT anyway! And I let him know haha. I expect it will probably keep getting better, and more than likely at some point I will orgasm, but it's not a big deal.

My point, after that long-winded story, is that it's perfectly normal for you to feel uncomfortable and even turned off in your situation. It's also normal for him to feel frustrated because he can't make you feel as good as you make him feel, though I know how hard this can be, especially since the best you can do is just reassure him that it will happen when it happens and it's not either of your faults it hasn't happened yet. Everyone's different, but unless your boyfriend himself is the issue, I think it's safe to say you'll feel pleasure when you're relaxed and able to pay full attention to him, and able to stop worrying about whether or not you're feeling pleasure. You're completely normal, as frustrating as that is, and as nice as it might be if there was actually something wrong that had a quick fix haha.

I guess I should mention that as far as his reaction to my not having an orgasm, he doesn't get upset anymore. It still bothers him to some extent, he doesn't feel "good enough," but because we've been having sex long enough now he knows that I enjoy it. I don't have to try and convince him, and he can enjoy himself as long as I feel good.

[ 12-25-2011, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: RosemaryS ]

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moonlight bouncing off water
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quote:
Originally posted by RosemaryS:

it's perfectly normal for you to feel uncomfortable and even turned off in your situation.

Sex should be a turn on, not a turn off and while sex isn't always going to be mind-blowingly amazing, it shouldn't be regularly uncomfortable. And if things do become uncomfortable or you begin to feel turned off, you ALWAYS have the option of letting your partner know and either stopping, or moving on to an activity that feels better for both of you.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Kitkat007
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Thank you for all your tips, we finally made a connection last night that was pleasureable!!
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