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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » College roommates and masturbation

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Author Topic: College roommates and masturbation
wordnerd25
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Hello there! This is my friend's account, but I am a female college student and will have a roommate next year--a one-room double. I love my roommate, but am a bit concerned with the issue of masturbation. I would really like to be able to masturbate every so often, so I talked to my roommate about having the room to myself every so often. Here's how the conversation went:

"Hey, so I was wondering if I could possibly have the room every so often, maybe once or twice a week? I really need a little me time. I'd be happy to do the same for you, if there are times you'd like to be alone."
"What are you using it for? Can't you have me time in a coffee shop or something?"
"Well..."
"You're using it to play with yourself, aren't you? That is a sin against God, and I am NOT going to allow it in any room where I'm living."
"But--"
"This discussion is over. I will not entertain any more requests about it in the future."

I'm a much happier person when I'm able to masturbate--I find it helps to blow off steam and relieve stress, and I enjoy being able to discover myself sexually. My roommate is probably going to be in the room much more often than I am (she often studied in her room last year, and I have practice and lab time commitments), so I'm unlikely to get the room alone unless she gives it to me specifically. How can I get some time for myself?

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Captain Girl
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Is it too late to switch roommates?

This person sounds unrealistically controlling. Face it - she cannot prevent you from doing something harmless and private all by yourself. However, if she tries to, she can make your life all kinds of miserable. Further, in the conversation as written, she implies that she won't allow you private time in the room ever, and that if you ask, she's going to bring it back to the masturbation issue. That's not going to be a good living situation.

If you must live with her, I recommend you consider the showers. And extreme caution with your passwords, computer, and any personal writing.

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Saffron Raymie
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Is there any possiblity that you can get out of living with this person?

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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wordnerd25
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There's no way to get out of living with her--it's too late now, and I kind of didn't choose her in the first place. And I've tried the showers, but I just can't seem to get off while I'm standing up. For some reason, it just doesn't feel good.
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CoatRack
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...you can always try to get her to move out first?

I'm so sorry. I have no useful advice.

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Stephanie_1
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Probably not the best most mature method, but you could find out what she may be approving of but NOT want to be there for. Like playing music while you study, or having singing practice, which may lead to her being okay with leaving you for a bit... or suggest if she complains it's your room too and she could always study in the library?

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Captain Girl
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I've had some time to think.

Try telling her that, with the help of your pastor, you've begun a personal program of prayer and meditation focused on divining God's will for your life so that you can take it into account in pursuing your education. The program requires that you spend an hour or so by yourself, in private, three times a week.

Alternatively:

You are consulting, long-distance, with your aunt about business ideas for saving the family farm. She prefers that finances not be discussed while strangers are present.

You have a disgusting, but rare, and fortunately minor health condition. A few times a week, you need to pick your nose *really* *extensively*.

Your modeling aspirations are complicated by the unusually rapid growth of your pubic hair. You need some time to do your own bikini waxing. (She almost certainly won't recognize you from your Victoria's Secret photo shoot/Athleta swimsuit catalog/cover of Vogue because of the insane airbrushing.)

You are participating in family therapy concerning your uncle's misadventures with his schizophrenic pet goat by conference call.


On a more practical note: Generally, by October or so, colleges and universities open things up for freshmen who are not meshing well with their roommates to swap, or move into otherwise empty rooms. When requesting such a change, be as mature and calm as possible, and emphasize the way your roommate is impacting your academic life. If, however, she reads your personal journal, breaks into your computer, arranges to record what happens in the room by video or audio without your consent, proselytizes after you have requested her to stop, breaks the law, or is completely crazy, you may present evidence of these issues instead.

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heero222
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You said you couldn't use the shower because you can't get off while standing up. Is the shower not big enough to sit down in?

Also, despite what she said she can't actually do anything to stop you. Afterall, what could she do? Use physical force, record you, harass you? Any of those would be crimes and you could call the police and have her arrested for them. I don't know what area you live in and it would depend on how you present it but it could even potentially fall under one of the sex crimes laws though that would be something to ask a lawyer about.

In addition, I would strongly recommend NOT making up stories to get her out of the room. Nutjobs like these think satisfying yourself is shameful and making up stories to get her out of the room will only reinforce that belief since lying to her about it would imply you find shame in it and it's NOT something you should be ashamed of. Just tell her in a mature manner that you're going to deal with your needs and if she doesn't like it that's to bad she is free to leave the room until you are finished.

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wordnerd25
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Haha, I guess I COULD sit down in the shower, but it's a bit grody--I don't even like to stand in there without a pair of flip-flops.

And yeah, I guess there's nothing she could do to physically stop me, but it's not like I'm going to start touching myself while she's in the room. And if I start while she's not in the room and she walks in on me, well...for one thing, there'd be a scene worthy of the Oscars. Besides the fact that it would make things really awkward, I'm worried about what she might do. Our school has a really strict sexual harassment policy, and depending on how she spins the story, it could get bad. From what I've heard, they always side with the person reporting the offense.

Plus, as much as this one issue bothers me, I really don't want to make her uncomfortable. Even though we don't see eye to eye on certain things, she's a decent person at heart.

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Saffron Raymie
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Living with people is about compromising. Like my housemates didn't like me smoking in my room, I didn't want to stand outside so I smoke out the window now.

There are going to be things you don't like that she does. Those are her beliefs for her own life, not yours, and she doesn't really have the right to push them on you. If she can't compromise about this, what else won't she be able to compromise on?

living with people I really don't like is one of the biggest mistakes I've made. is the deposit down? Is that how you can't get out of it?

I really do think privacy and time alone is important, reguardless of masturbation. Sometimes we just need time to ourselves, even just to chill out.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Jill2000Plus
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She doesn't sound like a decent person to me, she sounds nasty and controlling, if there's ANYTHING you can do to get out of living with her (obviously, something that doesn't involve violating her rights or doing yourself harm), then I would really advise it, because seriously, anyone who dares to say what she said, to actually believe that whether you masturbate in your own home in private (or get to have any privacy in the first place) is up to someone other than you? Is not to be trusted.

I would suggest that you inform her that it's your body not hers, if she refuses to discuss it with you, one option is saying that you will refuse to talk to her unless it is absolutely necessary, and she can see how she likes being ignored when she has something important to say.

[ 06-07-2011, 12:16 PM: Message edited by: Jill2000Plus ]

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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Heather
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Hey, folks? Let's please not do namecalling here at the site. It just doesn't support this being a safe space for everyone. Thanks.

I assume that you don't share her views on this, and probably not on a few different things. Have you been/are you able to sit down and talk about how the two of you plan to work out these kinds of major practical and philosophical differences together?

In other words, she said the discussion is over, but really, if she's going to live with someone, things just can't go this way. As housemates, we need to be able to find out ways to compromise. If she had things she wasn't willing to compromise at all, then the onus was on her to make those things clear before agreeing to live with someone. She didn't, so now she has to take the time to work it out to find some middle ground.

I think one way to do that might be this: you both make room for each of you to have some set alone-time in the room. You both agree that what you're doing with it isn't the other person's business (because it truly isn't). You both agree not to ask questions about what the other person is doing with their own allotted time.

If something like that just isn't doable -- even the conversation -- then if you didn't pick her, who did? was this a random choice by your school? I'm asking to try and help you figure out who to talk to about a roomie switch.

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Jill2000Plus
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I apologise, it's just that this is one of those things that really upsets me, but you're right, I shouldn't have called her a douchebag, and I've edited my post (and you can edit out my use of the word in this post if you think that would be better, I just wanted to be clear on what I was apologising about).

Also, Captain Girl: Your "suggestions" were hilarious.

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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heero222
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quote:
Originally posted by wordnerd25:
Haha, I guess I COULD sit down in the shower, but it's a bit grody--I don't even like to stand in there without a pair of flip-flops.

If it is gross then clean it every once in a while that way you'll have a clean place to masturbate in.

[ 06-08-2011, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: nighteyesv ]

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