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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Help Me..... Please ):

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Author Topic: Help Me..... Please ):
Madii
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Okay,So Im 14. My Boyfriend Is 17 And We've Been Dating For About 9 Months. I Really Do Love Him... And He Feels The Same Way. Anyways, We Want To Have Sex, But Decided To Wait Until We're Married So Our Parents Dont Find Out And Blah Blah Blah... You Get The Point. Anyways, He Wants To Um, Finger Me.... And I Want Him To, But Im Really Scared That Its Gonna Hurt. Im Even Afraid To Use Tampons. Haha. Yeah, PLEASE HELP MEEEE):
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Onionpie
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Hi, Madii. When someone experiences pain during any sexual activity, it's usually caused by nervousness/not being aroused enough. If you are 100% relaxed and aroused and communicating with your partner to let him know what feels good and what doesn't, it's highly unlikely that it would hurt at all.

During any kind of sex it's important to take the time to become aroused enough to do certain things, or to communicate when something doesn't feel so good so you can both know what doesn't work so well for you. Everyone's body is different, so everyone will find that different things work for them than might for other people. So if you find that a certain kind of touch is just uncomfortable no matter how aroused you are, well then you just know that that's not something you enjoy, and that's fine [Smile] Communication is a very big part of having enjoyable and satisfying sex with a partner.

Do you masturbate? Masturbating is an excellent way of exploring your body and getting to know what kinds of stimulation you enjoy the most, and you can share that information with your boyfriend during sex. If you're not into masturbating though, that's fine, I'm not saying you SHOULD or HAVE TO or anything [Smile]

Have you seen these articles? They will be able to help you out:
From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
She doesn't know much about her body: is that why deeper manual sex hurts her?

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Madii
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Im Too Afraid To Masturbate. Haha And, My Boyfriend Always Tells Me How Beautiful I Am, But Im Afraid If He Sees My Body, He Wont Feel The Same/:
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Karybu
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Onionpie linked you to some great articles, but you might actually want to start with this one: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

Happy to talk to you as well about why masturbation isn't something you're comfortable with, and why you think your boyfriend won't like the way your body looks, if that's a conversation you'd like to have.

[ 04-22-2011, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: Karybu ]

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Madii
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That Would Be Great, Actually. Thank You So Much :3
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Madii
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But Umm, How Exactly Are We Supposed To Converse About This? Haha
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Heather
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I hear you voicing a couple things that seem to suggest that you want to be ready for this, but you're not. You talk about feeling afraid of pain, afraid of even touching your own genitals, and also about feeling insecure with your partner seeing your body.

To me, things like that suggest you need more time. More time to get comfortable with your own body, more time to get comfortable with your partner. Just wanting to be sexual doesn't always mean we are or feel ready to do that.

Does that sound about right to you, in terms of my sense of where it seems like you're at?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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Thats EXACTLY How I Feel..... And, Im Comfortable With Chris..... I Really Am. But... I Dont Know, I Dont Do Well With Pain. And I Think My Love For Him Makes Me Afraid He'll Leave Me If He Sees Me Nude.
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Heather
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Okay! So, that's what you can communicate to him: that you want to do these things, but that you also know you're just not ready for them. Before you can be ready, you need more time to get comfortable with your own body and sexuality, and also more time to feel more comfortable being sexual with someone else.

You can tell him that you'll keep in communication with him about how that process is going for you over the weeks or months, and that if you find out things he can do to support you in that, you'll ask, and if you do start feeling more ready, you'll let him know.

Just one thing? I'm betting it's not loving him that is making you afraid of him seeing you naked (love, after all, has a lot to do with trust and compassion and care: those aren't things that make us think someone will leave us). Rather, it's probably a lack of confidence in yourself, and some negative body image that's the deal with those fears. That's okay, but those things take time, and we can love someone or have them love us all we want and that's not going to just make those issues go away. Gaining confidence and self-love like that takes time.

And if you're afraid he'll leave you, that's probably not about love either. But what it might be about is not feeling secure enough in your relationship yet to feel safe enough to be sexual. Again, something else where you probably just need more time to build trust and security.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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Im Afraid To Communicate With Him Like That. I Feel Like He Might Have His Feelings Hurt If I Tell Him That.... And Then I'll Feel Really Bad.
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Onionpie
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Hi Madii. Your boyfriend's feelings shouldn't be hurt by you talking about how you feel around this -- your feelings, after all, are not personally about him but about your own readiness.

Perhaps if you think he will take it personally, you can explain to him that you feeling ready doesn't mean that you don't love him or want to be sexual with him, it's just about you wanting to make sure that if and when you do become sexual, it's what you both are really ready for in every aspect so it can be as positive an experience as possible. As Heather said, there's a big difference between wanting to be sexual and actually feeling ready to be sexual.

The article "Be a Blabbermouth!" that I linked you to earlier is a great resource for figuring out how to talk to a partner about sex and everything surrounding it. Have you given it a look? You may find it gives you some good ideas on how to get the conversation started. This article is another excellent one that can help you figure this out.

[ 04-23-2011, 08:49 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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Heather
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You need to also know that if ever, a partner isn't able to hear and be okay with you saying no, for any reason, to sexual activity they want, that's a very clear sign that THAT person isn't ready for sex with someone else, either.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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Okay, well, he tried it and i told him no. we were in the woods- VERY hot- and, there was lots of heavy petting and dry humping.... and my vagina hurts like really bad..... and, i want to give him a handjob, but i dont exactly know how....
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Heather
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I'm a bit confused, Madii. Are you saying you told him no about something and that no wasn't respected?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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Haha okay, he was trying to finger me, and i said no because it was hurting. So, like, we were kissing and petting..... and i got on top of him. and he like, dry humped me.... haha it wasnt bad, but afterwards, like i hurt. really bad.
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Heather
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You say it wasn't bad, but was it good? When you were choosing to do that, was it feeling good for you at the time? was it what you wanted to be doing?

Have you also yet had the talk with him we've been talking with you about having?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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It was good(: and it was what i wanted to be doing.... and, ive had that talk with him, and he said it was fine if i didnt want to do anything with him ever, he just wanted to be with me, and if i wanted, we could try and work all that out together until i felt comfortable with it all.
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Heather
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Well, hopefully HE wants to work together with you on all of this, no matter what: after all, this is a big part of what sexual partnership is about. In other words, in a good sexual relationship, we're always working together to make sure that anything we're doing works for both people, and that we're not doing anything either person doesn't want, isn't ready for, or doesn't like.

If things felt good at the time, but you had soreness later, it was likely just about the friction on that activity, which can rub things a little raw.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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Thanks For All The Help!!!(: I Have One More Comment/Question Kindof Thing Though.
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Heather
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Sure thing: ask away!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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How do i go about giving a good handjob? like, ive never learned how, so im worried that when i do it, ill fo it wrong
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Stephanie_1
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There's not really a "do it wrong." What there is though, is that everyone's different so our likes and dislikes are all different as well. What works for one person may not for another. So the best thing to do is ask the person what they like, and they can even let you know throughout what feels good and is working and what may not be.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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heero222
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The best thing to do for a handjob Madii is simply to have him show you how he does it and then copy that movement.
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September
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Nighteyesv, this post is a few weeks old already, and the original poster seems to have been satisfied with the previous replies. We please ask our users not to reply to older threads unless they have a similar problem, because it doesn't add anything new and only takes up unnecessary bandwidth.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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