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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » How to talk about bedroom dissatisfaction?

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Author Topic: How to talk about bedroom dissatisfaction?
Tashi
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My boyfriend and I tend to be quite open with each other when it comes to talking about sex, what sort of things we'd like to try, what works for us, menstruation, masturbation, etc.

Since we started having sex [intercourse], we've been trying a lot of new positions and such, mostly for fun and to experiment a bit. The thing is, when it comes to the actual intercourse, I tend not to orgasm. (I know exactly why - I just don't get the right stimulation on my clitoris) Everything generally feels good, and I still enjoy having sex, but I would like to work on improving my own satisfaction in the bedroom.

What would be the best way to go about suggesting a change in our tactics to my boyfriend? I just keep imagining him somehow feeling guilty for my lack of orgasm or being unhappy with his "performance."

I looked over the "Blabbermouth" article, but most of the issues it covers, we have a handle on. I just want to find some way to introduce the topic, and hopefully have him not feel bad for the "bedroom issues," since no one is at fault.

Posts: 101 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Is it only intercourse you feel dissatisfied with?

If so, what do you want to ask for and express? Is it something you'd like to stop doing for instance, or do less of, or something you want to make sure isn't only happening by itself (but is paired with other activities), or something else?

Also, have you two talked about what satisfied both of you and doesn't with other kinds of sex before? If so, how has that gone?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Tashi
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Yes, other kinds of sex (manual/oral) I will be generally quite satisfied with, and as for our relationship overall, I am very happy.

I don't want to stop any of our sexual intercourse activities, per say, but I would like to open up a conversation with him where we could talk about ways to make intercourse more pleasurable for me/hopefully result in more orgasms. (again, currently it's not un-enjoyable, but I've had several "almost there" moments, and need more clitoral stimulation to orgasm) This might mean pairing intercourse with other activities, though that is sometimes covered in foreplay.

We've talked quite a bit about things that we've found satisfying before, on both ends, but not as much with intercourse, and more specifically, not as much/at all about what in particular will bring me to orgasm. Though, I'm not sure if he knows I don't usually orgasm. Occasionally, he will ask me (right after/soon after) if I enjoyed a particular position or time, and I will answer in the affirmative (because I will enjoy it) but I never mention that I don't orgasm because that seems like something I wouldn't want to bring up directly after sex.

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Heather
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I actually don't see why it's not okay to talk about not reaching orgasm during or right after sex, and let me explain why.

Sex, for most people, is about sharing pleasure and about being intimate. And those things are things we have a good deal of control over. orgasm? Much less so. Orgasm is physiologically involuntary. While we may learn things that make it more likely for us, it's actually not something anyone has total control over happening or not happening.

Ideally, people having sex with each other have a goodly amount of self-confidence and security, and aren't seeing sex as being about performance or something as goal-oriented as orgasm. Plus, we can have an orgasm and NOT feel satisfied, and not have an orgasm but feel satisfied. That's actually something people who have done a lot of masturbation often know a lot about in the latter case (and guys get a lot more cultural permission to masturbate, so usually have a good deal of experience with it by the time they have sexual partners), so your boyfriend may totally get that already. In fact, if he's asking you about enjoyment and not orgasm, that actually makes it sound very likely to me like, already, he's focused on the right things and not sweating the orgasm stuff so much.

That's making a long story seriously short, but the point is, I think it's okay to talk about orgasm, whether you reach it or not, at any point during or around sex. maybe some of the discussion you need to have, in addition to what you were going to talk about already, might be about this: about feeling like you can't talk about it unless it happens?

Anyway, I don't know what expectations your partner has around vaginal intercourse or what he knows when it comes to knowing that the majority of vulva-toting folks are not going to reach orgasm that way alone. He may know plenty already, or you may need to fill him in.

But in terms of opening this conversation, how about simply asking to talk about the sex you've been having, and intercourse specifically, and just telling him that while you're enjoying yourself, you think you'd experience even more pleasure -- which is true, based on what you're saying -- if you could add other activities either during or after intercourse that give you more direct clitoral stimulation? You can also say that on top of making it more fun for you, you think it might also make you more likely to reach orgasm during intercourse, something you'd like to experience.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Tashi
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In terms of my partner's knowledge about intercourse/orgasm, before becoming more sexually involved, we both did a lot of reading on Scarleteen (since we were each other's "firsts"). So he likely knows that in general, clitoral stimulation is usually needed as well to orgasm. I may just have to remind him of it.

I think you are right in that one of the issues (I have, at least) is "feeling like you can't talk about it unless it happens." Which isn't going to be healthy for the relationship in the long run.

Thank you very much for the advice. It has been quite helpful.

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nighteyesv
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There are a couple ways to handle it. You said during intercourse you are not getting enough clitoral stimulation so I'd recommend first telling him what you'd like done then when you're having intercourse take his hand and demonstrate the way you want him to rub your clitoris during intercourse. Of course if you have a free hand during intercourse you could simply rub yourself. That's actually what I did with a previous girlfriend while we had intercourse she'd play with her clitoris.
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