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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » First time questions! Please help!

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Author Topic: First time questions! Please help!
121794
Neophyte
Member # 64918

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So my boyfriend and I have been together for a while now, and he's made it clear that he would love to go down on me. I'm 15 and he is 16. I defiantly want him to do it. I'm insecure with my body though(even though he tells me i'm beautiful ect.) And he's never gone down on a girl so he might not like it, and might just be awkward for the both of us. I've been debating this for about two weeks now. I've been over thinking it. And he's defiantly not pressuring me. But he's much more open about when he's horny, than I am. We've been dry humping alot latley, and he always initiates it and I'm totally fine with that. He knows though that if I feel uncomfortable I'll tell him to stop, and he does.

Well my first question is, he get's very horny all the time. And that fine I guess but is that normal? Even if we're just making out, he gets really into it. And then he always apologizes and says he doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable(I feel totally comfortable with him though)

My second question is, is there anything I should expect if I let him go down on me? I mean, I've never had an orgasm..and I've tried to give myself one a few times and it's never worked. Also, I'm not sure how I should react as he's doing it. I don't want to just lay there, but I'm not the kind of person that's going to start screaming his name.

Another one of my concerns is, I have some bumps down there, cause I'm sorta lazy when I shave. And I've been trying to be more careful but there's still a few. And they just make me feel self conscious.

PS. we will defiantly be using protection, just to be on the safe side. even though we're both virgins.

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Heather
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Before I say anything else, I want to make sure I'm clear on something I'm missing here.

In this post, I see you talking almost exclusively about what he wants and how he feels a lot of sexual desire.

Do you feel sexual desire in any of this, too? Are these activities things you also want for yourself and your pleasure, not just because he wants them or is curious?

As well, do you feel open to just responding to sexual activity in whatever way is real for you, rather than trying to respond in ways that are for his benefit or a performance? In other words, if while he's doing something, you only do feel like just lying there, would you feel comfortable either just doing that, or stopping him to make clear you're just not that into what's happening?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Lillith Ambrose
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Well, I'm in the same boat as you hunnie. (Though my boyfriend and I are a bit older haha)

I've been wondering about the same thing and my boyfriend and I came to an agreement: Try it once, if we don't like what happens then we go on with our lives.

Girls normally have a harder time getting a full blown orgasm then guys, so don't feel bad if you don't and from what I hear, it's different for everyone. I think you should just relax and do what your body thinks is best. You don't have to scream his name, just do what you think is best. If he doesn't like it, tough.

I totally get that. If anything, I use a lotion hair remover. You can get it at any store, they have lots of different kinds. Just read the directions. I don't get the bumps when I use that. (Pretty much all of them smell odd though.. that's the only downside. Other then that, it works like a charm)

I hope this helps. [Smile] (Like I said, going threw the exact same thing as we speak haha)

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(-/)

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121794
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Yes, I defiantly do. But he's just better at actually communicating it to me. If that makes sense.

I think more of my problem here is, I just get so nervous and anxious about everything. When we're in the moment, I do respond..if you know what I mean(We got close the other day, but I stopped him because I was scared his mom was going to come home).

And if I ending up feeling not into whatever is going on I would defiantly stop him.

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Heather
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quote:
If anything, I use a lotion hair remover. You can get it at any store, they have lots of different kinds. Just read the directions. I don't get the bumps when I use that. (Pretty much all of them smell odd though.. that's the only downside. Other then that, it works like a charm)
Just FYI, as the instructions on those creams also often do (including those which say for bikini use, oddly enough), we would NOT advise using hair removal creams or lotions on the vulva. That's very delicate tissue which can get chemical burns easily.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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121794: So, is this something you feel ready for? In other words, often when people feel very anxious about any kind of sex or have a hard time communicating, that can often be because they just don't feel comfortable enough yet to be doing what they are.

Having any kind of sex when you feel nervous or anxious, when you feel very self-conscious, worried about response and performance a lot...well, it's usually a bit of a bummer. Sex is certainly better when we don't feel that way, and it can often make a lot of sense, especially if we want sex to be enjoyable, to be sure that we're not rushing or going by someone else's pace when we really need more time to be able to relax, feel more self-confident, feel more able to communicate. Another good way of checking to see if our own pace is really part of the picture is to check in with the balance of initiating sex: if it's always or only a partner doing it, chances are things are going more at their pace than yours.

Do you know what I mean? Is this something you've ever thought about and talked about with with your boyfriend?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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121794
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Well we've talking about it a bit, more recently. He's very understanding, and keeps telling me to let him when/if I'm ready/want it.

And yes I totally understand what you mean. I feel like things are going a little more at his pace, but at the same time I feel okay with that. If that makes sense. And when/if things start going out of my comfort zone I let him know. But with this specific thing I'm not sure if I ready for. I want it, but I feel nervous at the same time so I stop him every time we come close.

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Heather
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You know, in my book, "not sure" on being ready for something = not ready. When we're ready for something, we'll tend to feel pretty sure that we are, whether that's about sex or anything else.

Since it sounds like maybe he may be moving faster than you'd be -- even though I hear you in that that's okay with you -- why not maybe use this opportunity to back things up a bit so that you can kind of catch up, only moving forward when it feels more like your pace, too?

It sounds like you have a partner who wants that and is totally supportive of that, so, why not hold off and give yourself whatever time you need, so that when you do do whatever sexual activity is on the table, it's something you feel less anxious and nervous about, more ready for, and it can feel more like something you both want at the same time?

This kind of brings up what you asked about his experiencing high levels of sexual desire. Partners levels of desire don't always match, exactly, or keep the same pace. It's usually okay, because they don't have to: it's not like not having any kind of partnered sex does anyone any harm, after all, we all always have our own two hands for sex, too. And partners really invested in the other person's pleasure usually will only want to have whatever kind of sex when the other person shares that want on their own, not just in response to them. Again, it sounds like your partner has done a nice job of voicing that to you.

So, sure, I'm sure his level of desire is normal, but I'm sure yours is too, since there's no one normal here: there's just whatever each of us feels and doesn't at a given time.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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121794
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Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it!
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Heather
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Sure thing. Do you feel comfortable with that?

If so, do you feel like you can have that discussion with your partner, maybe taking some extra steps to be honest about going with his pace a little more than your own and needing to perhaps go with his flow a little less, and your own a little more?

Like I said, it seems to me he sounds like he'd be receptive to that, you just may need to be a little more communicative than you have been on your end.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Lillith Ambrose
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(Just thought the lotion idea would be helpful for the outer bikini area. Sorry! ^^')

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121794
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Yes I do. And I am going to talk to him about taking things a little slower.
Thank you again!

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Heather
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Happy to help. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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heero222
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If you ever do decide its time to let him go down on you they are right you don't need to make a big performance out of it. In fact you could lay perfectly still and just close your eyes and focus on the sensations but I would recommend you do little things to let him know he's doing Ok. Examples would be to simply say "keep going" every once and a while or make small noises or lean in a bit to what he's doing when it feels good. Afterall it would be his first time as well doing this with you and if you don't give any reponse he'll worry he's doing it wrong and continually stop in order to try to figure out why he's not getting a reaction.

As for the issue about feeling self concious about bumps down there due to shaving don't worry about it. I can say from personal experience as a guy that he's not likely to even pay attention to such a thing and even if he does a few bumps aren't going to be an issue. If anything, that you made the effort to keep yourself shaved so he could go down on you will likely be a turn on for him.

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