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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » past abuse, ptsd, is it silly to think I'll get over it someday?

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Author Topic: past abuse, ptsd, is it silly to think I'll get over it someday?
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Hi,

When I was 18 I entered into an abusive relationship. I won't go too deep into the details here, but suffice to say it was physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abusive. The emotional abuse started about three months in when I moved to another city to be with him. The rest started about a year in, and just after I turned 20 I left him.

the night I left was violent. I ran about 12 block down the road to a pay phone and called 911. He chased me but a very nice taxi driver picked me up and drove me to a clinic where I met the police. They were useless, and basically refused to help me if I didn't give his name. I was too scared, they left.

Since then, I've been to counseling (twice for 15 weeks, one for over a year), mostly to help me deal with PTSD and severe anxiety. I feel like I've done a lot of healing.

I hadn't had any anxiety (beyond regular stress)for a year, but then a few weeks a go I watched a movies that had a rape scene in it (I usually avoid these obvious triggers, but I didn't know what this movie was about). Sure enough, it triggered some massive anxiety, memories, flashbacks...

I'm in university and I knew this would have a big effect on my school work so I immediately went to the school counseling office and that really helped.

last week, I was assaulted in a coffee shop and had my laptop stolen (so much for all my school work!). I hit my head hard and ended up with whiplash and a concussion... and nightmare, and flashback and invasive memories - this time of the guys who attacked me - and a slight fear of coffee shops

So I guess this is my question: does PTSD go away eventually, if I work really hard at it? Or am I doomed for the rest of my life to relive every traumatic incident I ever go through?

Actually I also have a second question: I've been in a very healthy relationship with a wonderful guy for almost 5 years now (only 8 months between the two relationships, I know that's short) Anyways, we're great together, he knows all about my ex, is super supportive (he literally supported me for 4 months last year when I had to stop working because of my anxiety), we love each other, have fun, laugh...
But I still have a hard time with sex. Mostly I don't want it, but I know that if we start I do get into it so sometimes I just suck it up and try - he never does anymore, I've rejected him too much I think - and then I usually get in the mood and we have sex. But then, quite often I get pain and we have to stop. What could I/we do to make me want to have sex again - I want to want to...

thanks, sorry for the double question

[ 03-28-2011, 10:59 PM: Message edited by: gazelle123 ]

Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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oops, I meant to put his under the abusive relationships subject, sorry
Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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You are NOT doomed. Really, truly, I promise, you're not. This stuff tends to get better the more time that passes and the more you work your own healing process.

I am so sorry about your recent attack and your previously abusive relationship. But I'm so glad you survived both and are still with us here in the world, here and whole.

One thing to know about PTSD and triggers is that sometimes these things come and go. Like, we can have a ton, then get better, then even have nothing for years, then whammo -- get whacked with it for a spell again. It happens, but usually it gets easier and easier to deal with as we learn more and more how to manage our triggers and take care of ourselves.

With the sex in your relationship, though, if you're having sex ANYTIME you don't want to, that's bad news. It's not only just bad news, period, it's also going to set you back in your healing. So, you really want to stop that habit and only have sex when it is what you really, truly want.

The pain you're having, is this with all kinds of sex, or only some kinds? Or in every context, all the time, or only sometimes?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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wow that was quick!

I guess that's about answer I was expecting...

About the sex, I may have mis-explained: I'll initiate some pretty tame cuddling and lovey dovey stuff sometimes when I'm not in the mood, but we never go any further unless I actually get in the mood. If I didn't do that we would pretty much never have sex...

I know it's not ideal though

pain: only sometimes, but not in any particular position, its pretty random as far as I can tell

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Heather
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Can you try and think about when the pain happens and how? I say that because it being totally random is pretty unlikely.

So, with what sexual activities does it happen? How about what things feel like emotionally? When being very aroused or not? Using lube or not? Time of day, etc?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hmmm.. I'll start keeping a journal, but it may take a while before I gather much data..
Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Okay, I've been trying to think about it.

Not too sure about the position or time of day, but the pain is usually a sort of dull ache around my lower back, near my kidneys i think. It lasts for a few minutes after we stop and then it goes away slowly.

I don't think it's related to the abuse, because I don't remember ever feeling that pain with my ex. Also, when I get anxiety about my abuse during sex I usually just get nauseous, not so much pain.

Posts: 126 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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