Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Frustrated Boyfriend

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Frustrated Boyfriend
Stormi
Neophyte
Member # 54902

Icon 5 posted      Profile for Stormi     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My apologies for the length of this.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. We have fooled around many, many, many times before and we both enjoy oral sex. We have been waiting to have vaginal sex because we wanted to have the whole night to ourselves to be with each other afterwards, instead of one of us having to leave to go back home soon after.

Yesterday, we had that opportunity. We were fooling around and were both very turned on. We decided we wanted to. I performed oral sex and then when my boyfriend was going to put the condom on, he lost his erection. He was very frustrated with himself because he said that when he started thinking about having vaginal sex, he deflated. He said that he had lost his erection while having sex with a previous partner and ever since that if he starts thinking about the actual act then he loses it.

He was very upset and stressed about this. I tried to assure him that I wasn't disappointed and that we could have fun other ways and not to worry about it, that it would happen when we were both comfortable and the time was right. He said that he wasn't nervous, that he wanted to, and he didn't know why this happened to him because he was very turned on right when it happened.

He is worried that there is something wrong with him since he is 19 and seems to have problems keeping an erection for sex. I told him that it was probably all psychological and is caused by him thinking about it and feeling pressure to perform and that maybe we should try not to plan our first time, and just do it spontaneously when it feels right.

I'm trying to support him and make him more comfortable with this matter, but I have never been with a partner that this happened to, so I wasn't entirely sure the best way to handle it.

What could be the cause of this problem? Is it perhaps medical or is it just psychological and a case of nervousness?

If anyone has any advice on how to help fix the problem of him losing his erection or even just how to make him feel better about the situation, I would really appreciate it.

Posts: 3 | From: United States | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
OWL Dan
Activist
Member # 49077

Icon 1 posted      Profile for OWL Dan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Welcome,

I think you probably got it right when you said “I told him that it was probably all psychological and is caused by him thinking about it and feeling pressure to perform and that maybe we should try not to plan our first time, and just do it spontaneously when it feels right.” The other possibility is that maybe at some level he might not be completely ready to move on to this next level. For some people there may be more of a commitment involved since the possibility of becoming a parent enters the relationship. With this in mind, have you both talked about using birth control and what you might do if something does happen? Good communication may be a key to finding out what may be going on. I would also highly suggest having him sign up with us so he may discuss things directly with us, privately if needed (having a discrete username), and we can reassure him directly that what he is experiencing is very common. [Smile]

--------------------
Dan

Posts: 842 | From: Ohio | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stormi
Neophyte
Member # 54902

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Stormi     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The only birth control we had planned on using was condoms. We haven't really discussed what we would do if something did happen. Neither of us are in a point in our lives that we are ready for that. I'm in school and working, and he works full time.

I will suggest this site to him but since he doesn't have internet right now, maybe he will be interested using my computer when we are together and I'll give him some privacy to do so without intrusion.

I do plan to talk to him to try to find out if he isn't ready to move on to this level and would prefer to slow things back down to what we can both enjoy and be comfortable with.

Thank you for your feed back Dan.

Posts: 3 | From: United States | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
OWL Dan
Activist
Member # 49077

Icon 1 posted      Profile for OWL Dan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're welcome. Like I said, let him know what he is experiencing is very common and that talking about things is always a good start. Spontaneity, as you mentioned, is a good idea too. As for birth control, if cost, privacy, or access is an issue, there are always family planning clinics that offer bc at a reduced cost or free and will maintain privacy too. Let us know if we can be of any further help.

--------------------
Dan

Posts: 842 | From: Ohio | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stormi
Neophyte
Member # 54902

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Stormi     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I do know a clinic in my area that I could get reduced cost bc at, but privacy is an issue because it requires an appointment and a family friend works there, and in a small town word gets around pretty easily no matter what the rules are on such things lol. But I will be moving to my university in a city in August and plan on pursuing this option there.

I talked to my boyfriend about this site and this issue. We had a very good talk. He explained that he just felt pressured to perform and make me happy, so his being tense kind of ruined the mood for him.

After discussing it, we have decided to not completely take the option off the table but just to wait until a time when we have plenty of time to ourselves without interruption and we are both in the right mood. He also mentioned that the thought of the responsibility of us becoming parents is very daunting to him and he would feel less nervous if we had another form of bc besides just condoms. He said that he felt much more secure after we discussed it because he wasn't as embarassed about the situation and he was relieved that I understoood.

For possible future reference, I was wondering if there are any contraceptive options that we could use effectively along with condoms that could be purchased at a drug store?

Posts: 3 | From: United States | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
OWL Dan
Activist
Member # 49077

Icon 7 posted      Profile for OWL Dan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It sounds like you have had some good conversations! [Smile] Since he is concerned about performance and making you happy, once again talking ahead of time about what makes you feel good can help. Also, the first time should be about the whole event, foreplay etc, and not just the one act. There are other possibilities for contraception like combining withdraw and condoms. I am adding an article of all birth control possibilities. I can't think of anything else that would be readily available commercially other than a spermicidal lube. Another possibility might be to check if there is clinic in another nearby town; if you choose not to wait that long.

The Buddy System: Effectiveness Rates for Backing Up Your Birth Control With a Second Method


--------------------
Dan

Posts: 842 | From: Ohio | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3