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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » I can't orgasm during sex

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Author Topic: I can't orgasm during sex
Lady
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I realise there are some other threads that have already been made related to this issue but mine is a bit different.

It's not that I can't physically get there, it's just that I am too embarrassed to let it happen. I have been with my boyfriend a long time and we've recently started being sexually active, he's very gentle and very good at it, but when he tries to stimulate me there I get too self conscious.
I feel like I will take too long to orgasm and I am always scared that he might get bored or tired trying. I have told him about this and he's practically tried everything to calm my mind but I still think about it.

Does anyone have any suggestions that could calm my mind?

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Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so whenever you're lonely remember this is true, somebody somewhere, is thinking of you :)

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, I was just gathering questions on this topic this morning over at Sexpert Advice to write yet another biggie on this topic since it comes up so often.

In your case, the biggest thing that I'm hearing is that you just are not feeling comfortable enough yet with your partner to explore the things that might get you there.

So, while you say you've been together a long time, do you think it's possible that per the pace you need, uniquely, when it comes to sex, you might be moving too fast? In other words, do you think you may just need more time first to become more comfortable with him sexually, or even with yourself sexually?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Lady
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I had never thought of it like that. When we were about to do it, I was sure I wanted it and I had no regrets afterwards, but I guess slowing down a little bit will only do good.
He is my first, do you think that has anything to do with it? Maybe I am just not used to it yet.

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Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so whenever you're lonely remember this is true, somebody somewhere, is thinking of you :)

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Heather
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Sex is always a learning process. For everyone. With every new partner, and then on the whole.

But for sure, when it's BRAND new -- either with partners, or to ourselves, and certainly when it's both -- we're at the start of that learning process, so we should expect ourselves to be beginners, since we are. Know what I mean?

At the same time, I do think you need to be sure you feel ready to start this process with any partner, and with him particularly as a partner. If you feel really self-conscious, that suggests to me you're moving too fast for what you feel ready to start learning and experiencing.

Have you at least been able to talk about how you're feeling? Do you have a sense of why you're feeling so self-conscious, if it's about your pace with him, your relationship as a whole, or where you're at with your own sexuality and feelings about your sexual response by yourself?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Lady
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I have been able to talk to him but not to the full extent of how I feel, but after this I feel more confident with opening up to him. I think it could be that it's going too fast because I went from a complete virgin (in every way) to having full sexual intercourse with him and then some. Lol, it makes more sense now.
Thank you for your response. [Big Grin]

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Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so whenever you're lonely remember this is true, somebody somewhere, is thinking of you :)

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Of course.

Did you take a lot of time in between having no sexual experiences to having intercourse? Like, let's say at least months, gradually exploring in stages, if not longer?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Lady
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No, hardly. It was very quick, like a matter of days.

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Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so whenever you're lonely remember this is true, somebody somewhere, is thinking of you :)

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Oh, yeah. Yow.

While not everyone explores sexual activities in the same order, going from nada to intercourse is a whole lot like deciding to go surfing in the Pacific before you can doggy paddle in the community pool.

Sounds like this really moved awfully fast for you, and zoomed to an activity that for you to enjoy, you'll tend -- as will your partner -- to need to know a whole lot more about your sexual response as a whole first, including knowing what other activities you like to add TO intercourse.

While it's not the case for all women, most women not only won't orgasm from intercourse alone, many are going to find it not to be all-that all by itself, either.

I have an idea. On top of talking about seriously slowing things down, maybe even putting intercourse aside for a good while, how about the two of you take a look at this, maybe each do it to get an idea of what you might want to each explore: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist

That list might also help you both get a better idea about the big picture of being sexual together, including all the things you can do together as time goes on. I think it might also help you know what kinds of things you two want to be talking about before exploring any kind of sex together more.

Additionally, I think you'll want to check in with yourself about where you're at with your sexuality and exploring your own body by yourself. If that's not really something you've spent a lot of time (or any) with yet, either, that's something I'd suggest getting started with, ideally before being with a partner, but at the very least, at least putting as much time and energy into that as being sexual with a partner.

If you can learn more about what you like by yourself, you can pick up some extra self confidence and comfort, both by getting some experience without having to worry about what someone else thinks, but also by getting to know what YOU like and what works for you alone, which we can share with partners in time.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Lady
Neophyte
Member # 41249

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Thank you so much, I understand now, you've been a great help. [Big Grin]

I will definitely talk to my bf about slowing down and focus more on exploring. And the list looks great, I will get him to take a look at it too.

Thanks again!

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Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so whenever you're lonely remember this is true, somebody somewhere, is thinking of you :)

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Happy to be of help! [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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