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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » too tight....am i just not ready?

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Author Topic: too tight....am i just not ready?
confused687
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Member # 51174

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okay so.. i can't put a tampon in or even put a finger (mine or anybody else's) in my vagina. i went to a gynecologist and she said that everything is fine but i'm squeezing the muscles so tight that a q-tip wouldn't even be able to fit in, which explains the pain whenever i try putting something in there. she said i need to relax and just gradually try doing it myself, but apparently this is usually only an issue for people that have been molested/touched inappropriately/etc, and that never happened to me. has anything like this happened to anyone else? and does anyone have any tips for how i can loosen up and solve this problem?

i think part of it might be just anxiety about having sex? but i didn't used to have that.. i'm not sure how it developed.. my boyfriend is really great but for some reason i feel like i'm just getting gradually more & more scared of sex and it's becoming like a big ordeal in my mind. again, any advice?

Posts: 4 | From: u.s. | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
polyprotic
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Hi confused687. Welcome to Scarleteen.

This is actually a common issue, regardless of any history of abuse. What you're describing has nothing to do with the size or inherent "tightness" of your vagina. The relative "looseness" of your vagina at any given time has to do with any number of things including your mood, stress level, any recent sexual activity, and your level of arousal at the time. So anxiety about sex (for any reason) could absolutely cause you to tense up and make penetration difficult. Do you know what exactly about sex is making you feel anxious?

I absolutely recommend experimenting with yourself (through masturbation, or simply exploring your own body) before attempting sexual activity of any kind with a partner. Learning what it feels like to be relaxed and aroused would likely be of huge benefit to you.

Sometimes just learning about your sexual/reproductive anatomy can make you feel more comfortable as well. Scarleteen has a great article on the basics, if you'd like me to share that with you?

And props to you for taking care of your health by seeing a gynecologist! It helps to know that there isn't anything physiological going on here.

In the meantime, I think you'll find these articles helpful:
10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at any age)
From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

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confused687
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can i see like.. just a school therapist about this? not a counselor (i'm in college), but i'm pretty sure that at school they have therapists or something like that in the health center. would they be able to help me figure out what exactly is making me anxious?
i've talked about it with my boyfriend and i've thought about it a lot and i can't figure it out! i know i didn't used to be like this, but after talking & etc about sex a lot.. then we tried to do it a few times.. and now it just kind of terrifies me..

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polyprotic
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A therapist could be a great place to start with this. Most colleges have good ones that are knowledgeable on things like this. You can probably find their office's contact info on your school's website.
Are there any sexual activities you enjoy and do feel comfortable doing with him? Have you tried masturbation?

I forgot to include this article which may also be helpful:
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

[ 12-23-2010, 12:00 AM: Message edited by: polyprotic ]

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confused687
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um i used to be fine with everything other than actual sex, but now i never really feel in the mood for anything..and i'm not sure why..
that's why i don't think it's a readiness issue- i WAS ready...but something ruined it.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know that because we're ready once, that doesn't mean we'll always be ready, right?

Readiness for sex isn't a one-shot deal, it's something constant. Sometimes in life, and in some situations, we are: other times, or in other situations, we're not.

That said, vulval and/or vaginal pain is NOT something that only happens to abuse survivors, and there can be physical reasons for it, too. So, if this is continuing, even when you're alone and with something like tampon use, I'd seek out a second option from a different gynecologist, too.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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