posted
Hey all. I was browsing the boards the other day, and I came across a statement from Heather that said something like this: "It's absolutely possible to have a satisfying sex life without penis-in-vagina sex."
Now I've had sex with a total of three people. These were all hetero encounters. (I'm the one with the penis). And I'm having a hard time imagining a sex life that I consider satisfying without vaginal, insertive sex. So I ask you, mighty Scarleteen: enlighten me. Open my mind.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
You've got to take the time to explore you and your partner's bodies, communicate what feels awesome, not bad, etc. If all you really want out of sex is a masturbation session to orgasm with another person as a prop, then yea, i can see how penis-in-vagina sex might be all you find satisfying. but assuming that's not your attitude towards sex, and keeping in mind that sex isn't just penis-in-vagina sex, there's obviously oral, manual and anal sex to enjoy, plus any other bits and pieces you want to explore- like your prostate! lotsa guys LOVE having their prostate stimulated. Plus any part of your body can be erogenous, don't just limit yourselves to what the media says are sexeh bits. How about those sexeh earlobes amirite?
How's that for starters?
Posts: 172 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
One of the most exciting nigths I spent with my last boyfriend involved hardly any sex at all. We spent hours just kissing each other's bodies all over, teasing by skipping or paying little attention to the genitals, also stroking, and then moving on to licking each others' bodies and then stroking ice cubes all over as well. It drove us NUTS. And we were amazed to see which parts of our bodies were really sensitive. It can also be done blindfolded and with other objects of course, it's something to be played around and experimented with. We gave each other crazy pleasure, sensations we'd never before felt.
Posts: 9 | From: Germany | Registered: Nov 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
I've just got so damn much to learn, no, to unlearn. I get that sex, at its best, is a cooperative exploration. It's just that in the past I've had no stomach for it - I didn't have the will, I didn't have the patience. I was a pretty effing bad lover, actually. I'm in recovery.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
So, perhaps, so far, you just haven't been in the right space or relationships for partnered sex to be all that it can?
Plenty of people -- let's be honest -- have sex with partners that is a whole lot more like masturbating than sex with partners. It may be that you were confusing the two at times, and really wanted to be doing the former rather than the latter.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63244 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well, I certainly confused the two, but given the choice between masturbating by myself, or having sex with someone else, even in a masturbatory sort of way, I'd take the partnered sex any day.
At least, it feels miles better.
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think the important question is for who? In other words, does it feel good to everyone involved? Someone who is basically masturbating on someone, or treating partnered sex like masturbation may feel fine in some ways, but chances are the other person isn't feeling so hot or so served.
Someone having sex with you in "a masturbatory sort of way" can often feel a whole lot like you're not even there as a whole person, only your orifice is. Know what I mean?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63244 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'd say it's not the only downside: I'd say you miss out on a lot that way, too.
Not being fully present with the other person, and really engaging their whole body AND your whole body means you both lose, or at best, will tend to have a pretty substandard experience. Here's one thing to know: you actually have more sensory areas of your body besides your penis, especially if you're circumcised.
But of course, to do that, you have to really be ready to totally engage with someone else and have to be very into that other person, not just one of their body parts or what it can do for you.
It's kind of hard to explain to someone who hasn't really done that, but once you get there, the difference will likely be quite obvious.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63244 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
So can anyone recommend books, resources, for this kind of thing? How to have sex like a grownup?
Posts: 80 | From: Houston, Texas | Registered: Nov 2010
| IP: Logged |
posted
Before I do, I want to say something: you're awfully hard on yourself. Not just in this thread, but others.
What I see, so far, is someone who is recently cultivating a lot of awareness and really working to do so. That's laudable. We all have our leaning process, and while marrying and divorcing young may well have made you feel older than your years, let's do you a favor and remember how young you are, okay? Being early in your learning process with this stuff at the age you're at is pretty darn normal, it's not just you. To boot, it sounds to me like the way you were raised didn't exactly net you a quality sexuality education.
That said, you can certainly start by just reading through the site here.
You might also check out our book, or some of the other books listed on this page.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63244 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
| IP: Logged |
Copyright 1998, 2013 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.
UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Printer-friendly view of this topic