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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » reasons for waiting?

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Author Topic: reasons for waiting?
Lilerse
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I'm curious about people's reasons for "waiting" to have sex (this can be any kind of sex). I didn't have any kind of sex until I was almost 18, but it wasn't really much of a choice; I just hadn't found anyone I was very attracted to and who was attracted to me back (or, I wasn't aware of someone who was, and too shy to find out). The point is, once I started finding people who wanted to have sex with me, I didn't really see any reason to "wait." I've never had sex with someone I didn't know or I wasn't attracted to, but I've never really seen a reason to "wait" a certain arbitrary amount of time and I've never really felt not ready.
(the only reason I didn't have intercourse til later was because my body, apparently, was not ready)

I'm sure it's mostly my views on sex and that I see it fairly lightly, I don't feel like I have to be in love to have it, etc. It may also be because I open up and trust people really easily, in other ways besides sex too. I'm also completely comfortable with my body so I don't feel like it's something I want to hide from people (at the same time, statistics show it's people who feel most comfortable with their body who wait the longest - so who knows).

I have a lot of friends who are my age but haven't had sex and don't plan to for a long time. For me, it's as simple as a guy I like turns me on and I want to have sex with him..so I do it. Probably the impulsive side of me I get from my AD/HD.
One of my friends has been with her boyfriend for 6 months, they finally kissed after 2 months but she doesn't yet feel "ready" to have sex with him. What does "ready" mean to you? Another friend has been with his girlfriend almost 2 years and he desperately wants to have intercourse but she doesn't, even though she's attracted to him and they have other kinds of sex besides intercourse (though it took quite awhile for her to be ready for that either). And my last boyfriend wanted to wait awhile because he saw sex as something sacred that should be shared only between two people in a loving committed relationship (but why?? because society says so??).

But anyway. Just curious some of the reasons people do decide to wait. If you were someone who made a conscious decision to wait a certain amount of time or wait until you felt a certain way, what's your story?

Thanks [Smile] I tried hard not to come off as at all judgey, so I hope I didn't offend anyone! I would love to hear from all of you.

[ 08-18-2010, 02:02 PM: Message edited by: Lilerse ]

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Animica
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Well, like you, up until about a year ago, I didn't have anyone to have sex with, either because I wasn't attracted to someone, nobody was attracted to me, or they were and I didn't know.

I've been with my boyfriend for more than a year, and we've both decided not to have intercourse for now. Our reasons? First, I'm not on birth control, and though condoms are safe to a certain extent, we don't want to take any pregnancy risks, because we know we're not ready for parenting yet. Second, we don't have an appropriate place to have intercourse right now (and it's too difficult to get one). Third, we believe it might complicate things if we ever decide to break up (we think intercourse may make it harder to move on, since it's something that's emotionally loaded for both of us, due to individual reasons).

I don't think it's a trust issue, at least in our case, because though I'm very slow to trust, he's managed to gain my trust during the time we've already spent together. We have engaged in other types of sex, and we think it's enough for now. Though we would very much like to try intercourse, we both agree we can hold it off until we're sure we can handle whatever consequences it has.

Well, that's my story. [Smile]

[ 08-18-2010, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: Animica ]

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yeahgirl
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Well for me, I've waited for a few reasons.
I'm 22 and I haven't had intercourse yet. I've engaged in one other type of sex, but that's it. As corny as it sounds, I want my 1st time to be somewhat special. I'm not expecting rose petals on the bed and champagne lol, but I do have certain things that I need. I have to feel completely comfortable with that person...im certainly no prude lol, but I think sex is kind of personal/intimate, and i need to feel comfortable with someone, so i can share that side of myself. And I need to feel as though I can trust them. And of course attraction, sexual chemistry etc. I don't need to necessarily love them, but I do need to know that we respect each other and care for each other.

I found all that with a guy at one point, and we tried to have sex, but unfortunatley it didn't work, and then neither did the relationship. So until I find those things in a guy, I'm waiting. It's not always easy, but i think it'll be worth it...i hope! [Frown] LOL

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Jill2000Plus
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Incidentally, I have ADHD too, and Aspergers Syndrome.

I don't know if this is what you're looking for, but I didn't have any kind of sex (unless you count playing doctor with similar age kids when I was a young child) until this year at my current age of 21, with my first boyfriend (aside from this guy who asked me out when we were about 10/11, to which I said yes because his friend wouldn't stop bugging me to go out with him, and I guess he was kind of pretty, not that I'd care about that now, he then pretty much didn't interact with me at all and eventually broke up with me for talking too much).

At the start of the relationship we agreed not to have intercourse until I was on hormonal BC. I put pressure on him (though not intentionally) in the first few months of the relationship, though we've completely worked that out now (I've stopped doing it and he trusts me not to do it and I know I won't), part of working it out is that we had a couple of dates where we just cuddled, kissed and dry humped (there may also have been some breast touching), largely fully clothed and always wearing trousers and underwear (though we'd done some genital stuff through underwear before), partly because I had thrush and he was (rightly) nervous about genital contact and I was starting to fully understand the risks and wanted to protect him, and partly simply because he was unsure, maybe that was entirely because of the thrush but regardless I wasn't going to make him do anything sexual he didn't enthusiastically consent to. After that, my thrush cleared up and we gradually got more and more naked and did a lot more genital stuff, intercourse didn't happen for a while longer, first because I felt ready but he didn't, then the first time we both thought we were ready and we were going to do it, I couldn't stop quivering, I got this feeling I always got when I was unsure about something sexual so we didn't do it that time. Eventually we ended up doing it 2 days after his 21st birthday, for no other reasons than we both really wanted to, we both felt ready, I was on the pill and it was working well for me, and we had condoms. I was quite sure that I loved him even before we started going out, so I didn't feel a need to wait until I was sure of my feelings because I already was, and I was sure of his too.

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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fireflyboy
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quote:
Another friend has been with his girlfriend almost 2 years and he desperately wants to have intercourse but she doesn't, even though she's attracted to him
Sounds like me and my girlfriend, the reason being, my girlfriend is afraid of it, she's the sort of person who is scared of the unknown, worried about what other people think, and she has ADHD which seems to have affected her maturity levels a bit.
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Jill2000Plus
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quote:
Originally posted by fireflyboy:
she has ADHD which seems to have affected her maturity levels a bit.

Can people please not say things like that? People have all sorts of reasons for not wanting to have sex, it isn't a sign of maturity or immaturity to be ready for partnered sex in the sense of definitely wanting to have it, it's just about what somebody wants to do with their body and a consenting partner, and as someone with ADHD, I dislike it when somebody suggests that I have a lower mental age than my actual age. Most of the problems in my life were caused by bad parenting, bullying and crummy attitudes about sexuality and prejudices that surrounded me, not my condition.

[ 08-24-2010, 05:41 AM: Message edited by: Jill2000Plus ]

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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Atonement
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My reasons for waiting were mostly because of my parents.

From the time that I first learned about sex, my mother stressed the "Virginity until Marriage" thing. And being that I was a "good girl", I just assumed for a few years that because that's what my parents said was the right thing to do, it was the right thing to do. When I got into my mid teens, I started questioning this standard, but it wasn't until I was 19 that I actually had sex.

I didn't start dating until I was close to 18, but that wasn't because I was waiting. Nothing just had ever really materialized until that point.

We started doing manual/oral about 6 months into the relationship, and I think the main reason I was ok with that was the lack of pregnancy risk. Later, once I got on the pill, I only waited one month to have intercourse.

Another reason, (and I know it's really silly) was that I knew he and his Ex had sex, and they were together for 8 months. Somehow, I thought that If I waited longer that she had that he'd respect me more, so I wanted to wait at least 8 months to have intercourse.

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Lilerse
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"she has ADHD which seems to have affected her maturity levels a bit."

I agree with Jill, and actually feel that a hell of a lot of people who are having sex are incredibly immature because they do it so irresponsibly.
Also, I don't know if I'm actually all that mature or not, but a LOT of people have told me I'm incredibly mature for my age - despite having AD/HD. So I think it really depends on the person.

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fireflyboy
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I didn't mean to offend anyone at all, in fact, I was talking about one person (that being my girlfriend) not everyone who has ADHD, everyone is different and I agree with that, but as I read on ADHD Effects. It has been known to affect SOME people like that, i'm not talking about everyone
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Lilerse
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But what does not wanting to have sex have to do with immaturity? Quite often it's the most mature decision to choose not to have sex.
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luanne
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I'm waiting because I haven't met anyone to my taste.
You wouldn't eat rotten food, even if you were really hungry.

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Jill2000Plus
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quote:
Originally posted by luanne:
You wouldn't eat rotten food, even if you were really hungry.

Actually, I'm sure some people would if they were really desperate.

[ 08-30-2010, 05:33 AM: Message edited by: Jill2000Plus ]

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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