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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » I Get Bored While Masturbating, No Orgasm, and Other Stuff

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Author Topic: I Get Bored While Masturbating, No Orgasm, and Other Stuff
Mandy08
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Hi,

As the title says, I just get bored when I masturbate. I am not really sure why this is because it feels quite nice and I really enjoy masturbating (especially when I get really focused on it without intending to, if you know what i mean). I have never even had an orgasm, except for very "small" ones.

Once I start masturbating, and when it gets to the point where it feels good, I either get bored or I just do not feel aroused anymore. [Frown]

I have never orgasmed during partnered sex, either, but I enjoy it much more than masturbation. It feels much more emotionally gratifying for me and I love being close to my partner.

I have tried a variety of things while masturbating. Pillows, clit stimulation with fingers, and (self) fisting all feel good to me.

I once tried using a banana (with protection, mind you), which felt wonderful and i think I almost had an orgasm then. That was when I was still living with my grandparents (I have discussed them in another thread), and as luck would have it, I got walked in on at that very moment.

I constantly got walked in on while masturbating when I lived with my grandparents. I do not ever remember them disapproving of it directly, unless I was way too young to remember. Could I be suffering from some kind of anxiety because of this?

I am absolutely dying to get a sex toy or two for Christmas/winter holiday thingy/etc., because I think that they might help me, as I have also used a vibrator and got to a similar state with the fruit.

What kinds of toys would you recommend for someone who has never owned one?

I am terrified of talking to my counselor about my sex life. I am so afraid of being judged or told that there is something wrong with me. I explained my problem to one of my close friends and they said that I was disconnected from my body and I was repressing myself and just holding the orgasms in.

I don't focus on having an orgasm whenever I masturbate or have partnered sex. It doesn't even cross my mind most of the time. I just want to be close to my partner and enjoy myself and make sure that my partner enjoys himself as well. I think it makes him kind of upset that I don't orgasm and he tries so hard to make me feel good. [Frown]

I don't feel like I am "missing' anything, and when I do have a full-blown orgasm it will be wonderful. I keep telling myself just to be patient and keep doing what feels good and it will happen eventually. I just got suddenly worried about this because my boyfriend got upset over something else today, and that just triggered the thought.

Any advice?

Thanks in advance! [Smile]

Posts: 29 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jill2000Plus
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Just to say, you are not the only individual to try masturbating with bananas or some other comfortably shaped plant, any good therapist shouldn't be shocked by that, it doesn't violate anyone's rights, even if you did that when food was scarce, it wouldn't mean you had bad intentions. Being walked in on by your grandparents all the time has probably had an impact on your masturbation, it might make it difficult for you to relax into it, but you're away from them now, you have that privacy and freedom now (as I understand it), so I would think over time those worries will lessen. I'd say go ahead and buy sex toy/s if that's what you want (but do some research first so you don't end up with one that's not very well made or something, I'd give you advice but I still haven't bought one, I do keep meaning to...) and if your friends are telling you there's something wrong with you just ignore them, go at your own pace doing what you enjoy, tell your partner you like sex with them, maybe say what you posted here, and you are right, just keep doing what feels good and orgasm will most likely happen eventually, even if it takes a while, you're enjoying yourself, and that's what's important, right?

--------------------
Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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Cian
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I hear you when it comes down to being downright utterly bored when masturbating. For me, it usually gets to the point when I lose my focus and start to think about the bills to pay, the school assignment to do, what to have for lunch tomorrow.. my mind just starts to wander, and usually at that point I either stop and forget it, or force a quick orgasm (this is something I can do probably only because I am, shamefully enough, very goal oriented in my self-pleasing) to relieve the stress and then go about my daily business like nothing ever happened.

I don't think you need to worry, as orgasms aren't the be all end all of things. My girlfriend has never orgasmed either, and while this upsets me to some extent because I'd like to be able to please her to that point, I also realize she can be perfectly satisfied without peaking.
And you sound like this, too. Make sure your boyfriend understands that you enjoy what he does and that you are satisfied. I know I feel guilty about orgasming myself when my girlfriend never has, and I feel insecure knowing I can't help her reach that point-- the only thing that helps is having her tell me it's alright, and that she's happy regardless.

As for your first toy, just go for something that you feel would be comfortable for you. I went out to buy my first and only toy, and the kind lady first offered very large vibrators, or ones that had a "funky and fun design". They scared me to no end!
You certainly don't want a toy that puts you off.

I think you have a very level-headed, good approach to this. Don't worry about those O's, just enjoy yourself and your boyfriend.

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Heather
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Just to add in, most people who enjoy masturbation tend to sexually fantasize at the same time.

By all means, I think the comments here are important: if you just don't dig masturbating at this point in your life, that's A-OK. You don't have to. But just wanted to mention that since you didn't talk about what's going on in your head.

quote:
I just got suddenly worried about this because my boyfriend got upset over something else today, and that just triggered the thought.
Want to talk about what that was?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mandy08
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Thanks, Jill, Cian, and Heather. I am glad to know that I am not the only one out there. [Smile] I feel much better about this whole thing now.

U, I try to fantasize while masturbating. I can make it as vivid and detailed as I want, but I just get bored with that, too. I don't really understand why that is, because I am an artist and I can create vivid images in my head and reproduce them onto paper/canvas. I also like to daydream, but when it comes to sexual fantasies, they just aren't terribly interesting or pleasurable to me.

It might be the way my grandparents treated me as well. According to them, I wasn't supposed to be a sexual being (and yet let my grandfather get away with molesting me) because 1) I am differently-abled, 2) I am female, and 3) I am/was an unmarried teenager. They made me feel incredibly horrible about myself just for getting a little crush on someone. It eventually got to ghe point where I'd feel bad just by simply thinking about someone I liked.

And the thing that happened the day before yesterday. . .
The two of us were eating in our kitchen/dining room. I had a bowl of cereal, and my boyfriend was washing himself a plate to eat Chinese food leftovers. While he was washing his plate, he patiently told me how to get our broken sink faucet to work properly. I patiently told him that I already knew how to get it to work just fine. He made a thoughtless, but kind (if you know what I mean. . .) comment on me being unobservant/uncreative concerning simple, little things. I calmly told him that his comment bothered me and he made an apology to me and that he didn't word it correctly and re-explained to me.

Then he went into the next room over to use the computer. When I came in a few minutes later, he loked like he was holding back a few tears. It was so painful to see him hurt like that. We discussed the situation a little more, and then I have him some alone time for a couple hours. He was fine after that.

I just don't understand why the fact that I sometimes "miss" seeing things sometimes, especially when I am in a hurry or nervous/frantic. My eye condition comes with nystagmus, which my eyes move uncontrollably. Being frantic or in a hurry to find something can make them move back and forth really quickly and I will have a harder time finding whatever it is that I am looking for (school bullies used to love to toy with me this way). My boyfriend knows I can get around just fine and he has had absolutely no other problems with my eye condition except for this one, silly little thing. He seems to have a better understanding of how i see the world better than anyone else I have ever met or known. He just hasn't seemed to grasp that yes, I can see the cup over on the table just fine, but if I am in a hurry, I might not notice it. It is really hard to explain. . . My eyes see it, but they move so quickly that it doesn't actually register in my mind.

I have tried to explain it to him before, but he just hasn't registered it. Actually, the description I just gave I hadn't put that way, maybe I will try using those words. It seems he has a set equation for the way I see (he is a very mathematical person), and when I "miss" things, that event doesn't fit with the formula's results. . .

Since my mind has been known to jump around a lot, seeing my boyfriend upset like that reminded me of the whole no-orgasm thing, as he once got upset that I don't climax. It really hurts to see him upset like that.

My BF seems to be fine now, though. He used to call himself inadequate/unsatisfying, but I have assured him that there is nothing wrong with him and that I really enjoy partnered sex with him. He doesn't want to push me into orgasming, and he has followed my advice and not worried about it. He would like to help me get all the way to climax eventually, but it will happen when it happens.

I just don't want him to keep thinking that he is inadequate, because I really care.

Posts: 29 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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quote:
It might be the way my grandparents treated me as well. According to them, I wasn't supposed to be a sexual being (and yet let my grandfather get away with molesting me) because 1) I am differently-abled, 2) I am female, and 3) I am/was an unmarried teenager. They made me feel incredibly horrible about myself just for getting a little crush on someone. It eventually got to ghe point where I'd feel bad just by simply thinking about someone I liked.
This is no small stuff. You're a child sexual abuse survivor, for one. And even just those kinds of attitudes you describe, especially if you get them when young, can really do a serious whammy on your sexuality. That's sexual shaming, effectively, and sex therapists will tell you that it often results in sexual problems, insecurities, troubles enjoying sex, etc. And all the more so for childhood sexual abuse. So, you may well find that if you can ever get some therapy around this (ideally from someone who is a sex therapist or does work expressly with abuse and shaming survivors), it might help and you might also feel a lot better about your sexuality and have better experiences with it.

Again, this isn't to say that something is wrong with you because you don't orgasm and aren't into masturbating. But those two things alone might be different if you could get some help unpacking and working though those things.

I'm actually just finally getting out of here for the night, but I think what you've said about the other stuff would make a great opening for a post on managing relationships when you have a disability. I completely understand (I have a hand disability: I've had it since I was very young, so I function well, and it's mild in some respects, moderate in others, nothing too severe), for instance, the tough balance between having your abilities recognized while also having your DISabilities recognized, too, for instance. And we have a whole bunch of users who I think would appreciate talking about this kind of stuff.

So, if you'd like to take some of that over and start a new thread, that'd be awesome. Or, you can wait for me and I'd be happy to do that tomorrow and we can talk then about the second half of this post more.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mandy08
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Okay, I am back.

I actually went and looked up some sex therapists in my area. I only fount two (my city's population is only about 20,000, so it isn't terribly big). I don't have phone numbers, but both of them are certified by the ABS. I love rural areas, but I also get frustrated at times too because it is so difficult to find non only good counselors, but counselors in general.

Do you know if I may get a referral to a sex therapist from my local Planned Parenthood. I have been living in my town for a few months, and I don't have a doctor. My paperwork for Planned Parenthood shows that I was sexually abused and I did discuss it with one of the nurses.

I think a thread concerning disabilities would be a great idea! I wouldn't mind starting one! I also wanted to post a thread about something else, too. I feel kind of weird for starting so many threads in such a short amount of time, though. . . It makes me feel like I'm trying to get attention or something and I feel very bad about it.

Posts: 29 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jill2000Plus
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Everybody needs to be paid attention to. The staff here want to help so start any thread you think would be helpful for you.

--------------------
Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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