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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » I had sex with my boyfriend and..

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Author Topic: I had sex with my boyfriend and..
BeautyBee
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I had sex with my boyfriend only thing is i felt so.. I don't know the word for it.

See I was at his house and we did it, he thought I wasn't a virgin when I was. My friend was down stairs listenign to music and playing video games and after we did it I felt fine and happy but once we started to hang out with our friend, who has no idea we'd had sex or that we are even sexualy active with each other, all I wanted to do was be alone and just think. It makes me feel so werid. They next day I had to go home. (I slept over) and I haven't talked to him since Monday and it's Friday now and I feel so alone and hurt.

Is this normal? I'm so confused right now. And emotional to add on top of that.

Help me please.

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LilBlueSmurf
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Have you tried to call your boyfriend? Do you want to talk to him? Or are you upset b/c he hasn't called you?

First time intercourse, especially if you're not ready for it, can really send you for a loop emotionally. Do you feel you were ready for this? Why did your boyfriend think you'd already had intercourse? Have you two talked about this at all?

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Faith54
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It's seems like this was on the spur of the moment, correct? You really need to talk to your boyfriend. If he hasn't called you, call him- there seems to be a lot of miscommunication and words left unsaid, which will just hurt any relationship, especially a newly sexually active one.

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"My grandmother never gave gifts- she was too busy being raped by cossacks." ~ Woody Allen

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BeautyBee
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LilBlueSmurf : I felt ready. I had made up my mind that he was going to be my first. I believe he thought I wasn't a virgin cause there was rumors from my ex that I had slept with him. But I hadn'd. We had talked about having sex and sexual stuff before, and we had both agreed that we'd have to be both ready for it, and be completly sure that it was what we wanted.

Faith54: In a way it was a spur of a moment but then agian it wasn't. I do believe that there is miscommunication here, but it's so hard to bring up the subject. Not that I'm ...shy about it, but that it just seems somewhat wrong about talking about it.

I still feel as though I just want to be alone. Even now almost a week last and I still just want everyone to give me space so I can thing. I love him to death and would do anything for him. And being "close" to him like that makes me feel specail. But I don't know why I just want to be alone. It's so odd and usually I'm a more open overly hyper person and everyone is noticing a diffrence in my additude latly.

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Heather
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You know, it wouldn';t surprise me that at least part of why you want to be alone is that -- for whatever reason -- you did something which is incredibly intimate with a very real barrier to that intimacy per your dishonesty.

You know you didn't tell him the truth, so regardless of what he may or may not have thought, you know that you weren't truthful with someone before, during or after something which is a pretty big deal to most people. There isn't miscommunication here: you didn't communicate something intentionally -- that's dishonesty.

That's got to be pretty darn isolating, and also something which has likely left you feeling pretty lost and uncertain how to interact. Now, there may be other reasons you want to be alone, too, but that's got to be quite the biggie.

So, when are you going to be honest? When are you at least going to be able to tell someone close to you -- if not him yet, a close friend -- so that you can work some of this out, figure out the right thing to do (especially if you do want real intimacy and closeness, as well as to feel okay about yourself), and unburden yourself so you aren't so isolated?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BeautyBee
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Heather: There are things that I am dishonest about to him. Because, they are things I do not wish to share with most people. Things about family problems. And you know, now that you bring it up. I’ve been dishonest with most people, but only to save my somewhat sanity. What goes on at home is something that affects me in many ways. Physically and mentally. And I’ve always been good at hiding my problems. I never liked people bugging me about it. But maybe, just maybe, the fact that my boyfriend is someone that has made me actually feel loved for the first time in years makes things harder. Maybe for the fact that I’m physically close to him now and that I feel so guilty keeping things from him, such as the virgin ting, that it makes me want to isolate myself. I think you are right Heather. I honestly do.
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Heather
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None of this is to say everyone is obligated to tell anyone close to them absolutely everything, for sure. But telling them the things that are pertinent to them -- and this really is, for so many reasons -- and which are in line with the other ways we're intimate are sensible.

When we aren't honest about certain aspects of our sexuality with people we're having sex with, in many ways it can feel like we're not completely there/present (because, of course, we aren't if we're keeping a big secret all the while) and like what was supposed to be deep intimacy wasn't as deep as we'd like because of whatever barriers we have up.

And of course, many people want their first sexual experiences to have import, and when only half the partnership knows we're having them, it obviously takes some of the importance out, since only one party is aware of it.

Small steps are pretty helpful. Maybe you're not ready to talk about aspects of your family life, but I'd suggest coming clean about this, especially since the longer you go being dishonest about it, the harder it will get to tell, and the more lies you'll have to craft to cover it up.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BeautyBee
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Heather : But the thing is, I don’t know HOW to talk to him about it? I mean, I can’t, or I don’t want to, just say, Hey Guess What? You Took My Virginity. That’s just… I don’t know to me seems wrong. I want to make it seem less… I don’t know the word for it. I just don’t want to make it a HUGE deal when it should only be something small. I want to tell him about my family problems too, but I once again don’t know how to bring it about. Any tips or ideas as to HOW I can do this?
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Heather
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Well, how about by starting out just talking about how you're having a hard time simply trusting and being close in terms of what you disclose about yourself, period?

Because it seems to me that this is a larger overarching issue that obviously, if you want to get close to someone, you do need to address. And you can do that, open the door like that, and also say that there are some things you want to tell him, and you're working on getting there, but it's going to be baby steps and going to be a process, and you're asking for his patience and understanding.

And when you get to a point where you do feel more able to disclose this -- and like I said, I really wouldn't hold off too long, because lies are like mold: you have a little, more grows on top and multiplies -- a way to open that conversation may be something like, "I feel bad sharing this now, but I just couldn't find a way to share it before, and I don't want there to be barriers between us, and I want to work to be close to you. Neither one of us talked about these things first, and we really both should have, but what I didn't feel able to tell you was that that was my first time. I don't want this to be some huge deal, and I'll understand if you're upset of confused, but I'm trying my best to be honest now."

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BeautyBee
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Heather: Thanks
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Heather
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Not a problem.

You know, in my earlier teen years, I dealt with stuff like this a good deal: I'd been raped and molested, for instance, when it still really was SO not okay to talk about that, and I didn't tell a single friend of mine until many years later. Now and then I'd tell sexual partners, but it was incredibly hard for me to do so, and so to a large degree, I just kept myself at a very real distance from people. Like you, I also had family issues I often was not comfortable disclosing.

So, I get that it can be hard, and by all means, I get being slow to trust. But what I can tell you as far as Life Lessons learned go on my part per all that is that that distance really didn't benefit me, especially when I set myself up to be close in ways that really required more disclosure on my part. So, I'd also just suggest some self-evaluation.

In other words, if you really just do NOT feel ready to be that close to someone, then I'd consider stepping back so that you don't have to BE that close just yet, and so you're taking baby steps in all regards, not just some. When you already feel isolated and set apart as it is, it can feel pretty weird to do something like sex, where you're supposed to be close, and supposed to feel all this closeness, but kind of be a few feet outside of it all the while.

That may mean that it might actually be better for you to step back from sex for now -- remember, you're not obligated to keep doing it, and it's always okay to tell a partner that something you thought you were ready for you're feeling kind of weird about now, just because of your own stuff and aspects of readiness you didn't think about. But things like this are decisions you just need to think about in terms of what's really best for you.

[ 04-16-2007, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BeautyBee
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I talked to him. And I mean a long talk with him and I told him everything from I "was" a virgin to the stuff that is going on at home, and honestly... I feel 100% better now. Thank you guys for the help or suggestions.
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