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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » first time sex pain

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Author Topic: first time sex pain
dolores
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I'm sure you get this a lot but I had to ask this for myself...

I'm 18 years old and I've been in a relationship for over a year. In the begining my boyfriend and I were really shy so it took us months before we could actually be totally comfortable with eachother. We still chose to wait for sex because we are both virgins and we thought it was important that we both felt ready.

Emotionally I know I'm ready and I want to share this experience with my boyfriend more than anything else but I can't help but worry that's it's going to hurt. A lot. I'm terrified of this to the point where I would rather never have sex.

I know it's ridiculous but no one has helped to make me feel any better either. I've been told that if a guy perferms oral sex on the girl or uses his fingers first, it would hurt the girl less. I don't think I'm so convinced by this since the few times I tried inserting a finger myself it hurt me and I could not go on with it. This is the same reason why I could never use a tampon.

I know there is nothing wrong with me since I've already had a check up from a gynecologist but I wasn't comfortable with asking her these questions (since my mom was also there). I would really like to know on average how much it hurts girl on their first time (maybe on a scale of 1-10) and if there are any things that can be done to lessen the pain?

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wanderlustful
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omg i am the same exact way, i am scared to death of being fingered or penetrated. my boyfriend and i have been together 11 months, i wish i could help you, but im in the same boat.
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wanderlustful
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I have a boyfriend, we have been together for almost a year. He has had sex with 2 serious girlfriends, and I am a virgin. I have been in several short relationships, and this is my most serious one. I have done sexual things such as oral sex with other partners, so I am comfortable with my body and myself enough to engage in some sexual activity. However I am so scared of the pain of sex that I am abstaining. Part of me wants to keep my virginity until marriage, and its easy and not tempting to do so because I am so scared of pain. I don't even use tampons and I've never let my boyfriend finger me. Whenever he rubs me down there I tense up and feel very uncomfortable. I don't know why I am so scared. I have never been molested, and I have never been abused so I don't know where this fear comes from. I want to feel "normal" and be able to be fingered and use tampons and not be afraid I guess of my vagina. I am 17 and I know pretty soon here I will need to see an OBGYN before college, and I am so frightened! My boyfriend and I watch porn ocassionally, and I see the girls in it having every sort of sex and I am so jealous that I can't just suck it up and let him finger me. I feel like a freak! I trust him 100% and we love each other very much. We have even talked about getting married! What is wrong with me? How can I fix this? Is this normal?! And is being fingered/using tampons really as painful as I am making it out to be?


that was my exact question like a month ago...i feel for you, it sucks...

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RainWhispers
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First of all, you shouldn't let a guy pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do. I know everyone's probably heard that a billion times, but it's true. It's not about him. It's about you. If you're not ready, don't do it. If he can't deal with that, then that's his problem.

For a while, I had the same exact problem as you. I was scared to death that it would hurt or wouldn't feel good or whatever. Last night was the first time I let my boyfriend finger me. I won't lie. It did hurt a bit, and it didn't feel great until he hit the G-spot (which is actually further in than I thought). He said I was REALLY tight. He's only had sex with one virgin, but from his comment, I'm assuming he implied that I was the tightest. (I am a virgin, by the way.) I came to the conclusion that every girl's body is different. Some are tighter than others. Some places are most sensative on certain girls. It depends on YOUR body. What I found out when he was fingering me last night was that if he got the right angle, the pain was noticeably less, almost no pain at all. So if you ever feel comfortable enough with your boyfriend to try it, go ahead. But if it hurts, let him know. Talk to him about it as well. Let him know you've tried fingering yourself and it hurts, so he needs to be careful and he needs to know what he's doing. If he doesn't, it might be a problem.

I hope this helped a little bit. I do understand how you feel, because up until last night, I felt the exact same way. So I really do hope this helps and that everything works out.

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Leabug
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For the record, I've always heard that virgins don't have tighter vaginal canals than more experienced women. I guess tightness has to do with relaxation and arousal more than experience!

My first time DID hurt, and it hurt my boyfriend too! Based on experience I'd recommend you use a lot of lubrication, especially if you're nervous. Your body (and his) naturally produces lubrication when you're aroused, but when you're nervous, sometimes it's difficult to get aroused to that point.

But most importantly, I'd suggest you make sure you and your boyfriend communicate during the whole experience, and if it hurts too much, don't be afraid to tell him to slow down or stop.

If it helps any, my boyfriend and I stopped after only about a minute our first time, and ended up laughing about the whole thing! [Smile]

Good luck!

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PigmyPuff
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I feel JUST LIKE YOU! i cannot express how scared i am of my first time. I'm a virgin and am really frightened mainly because i fear pain. I haven't been abused or anything, so i dunno where this comes from. But, for example, i get aroused and think of masturbating and i get instantly uncomfty with the idea of fingering. I do not know why i respond like that. I have no boyfriend, but i think i should know and be comfortable with my body and sex, not for anyone, just for me. So, does anyone know WHY i feel like this?
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ghostie
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For myself sex did hurt the first time, but I didn't use lube or was in a comfortable place.
Lubrication is a definate must for first times in my opinion, even if you are fully aroused, nerves and psychological doubt (I think) are what causes the most pain.
Also, in my experience, it is something to get used to..
If things get too much, then removing the penis from the vagina does help pretty much instantly, and dont feel you have to carry on because you would disappoint your partner.
I would say however that you shouldn't really attempt any kind of penetration until you are very sure that is what you want.
Confidence like this grows over time, and who knows that one time when you are with your partner, you might feel comfortable enough to go ahead [Smile]

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miss.cutie.
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My boyfriend and I are comfortable with ourselves and each other when it comes to sexuality. We have engaged in sexual activities, but not intercourse. There definatley is a fear of pain, he has fingered me and personality it didn't hurt. Make sure that you are in a comfortable position so that his finger can easily penetrate. Sometimes the pain can be because your anxieties. You tend to tense up and there for are not able to relax in order for penetration to be less painful. Try to ask yourself why you have that fear. Talk to your partner and let both of you reassure eachother that you are comfortable enough to go ahead. The same goes when achieving an orgasm. Anxieties will withhold you from having fun. So loosen up! No pun intended, and just enjoy the experience. Hope this was of help. [Smile]
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Heather
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I'm likely stating the obvious here, but what the heck.

It also can be really ehlpful to know that if something hurts and/or you don't like it, or it's just too scary for you?

You don't have to do it. Don't have to do it now, don't have to do it EVER if you don't want to.

Plenty of people of all genders and orinetations have happy, healthy 100% satisfying sexual lives without vaginal intercourse or penetration. or with that type of sex occuring very infrequently.

And no matter what you choose, now or later, sometimes just taking the pressure off by knowing you are IN NO WAY obligated or required to do ANYTHING you don't want to, or which doesn't feel good, can be a big big help in relaxing about the whole works, whether you have intercourse or have someone put fingers in your vagina or not.

[Smile]

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becca424
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Let me just say that I agree 100 percent with the comments above about not doing anything you are not ready for, no one should make you feel that you have to do anything you are not ready for, sexually or otherwise. You will know when you are ready to have sex, despite the fear of it hurting. In terms of fingering I have never liked it, mostly because of men’s fingers being bigger than women’s, and even if they cut their nails it still always has hurt me, I have tried doing it to myself but it hurts when I do it too and I have already had sex. I too have been told that I am tight but it really does depend on the woman. Every woman is different. In terms of what makes them feel good and what they like sexually.

I felt the exact same way before I had sex with my first boyfriend. We were both virgins and I couldn't have chosen a better person to be my first. He was very slow and very gentle, it hurt both of us and it took a few attempts for him to finally break my hymen, to be honest I bled a little bit after he did, we used a condom and lots of ky jelly. My boyfriend was really understanding about everything, including the bleeding, he made me feel really secure with myself and not self conscious about anything. I recommend using lots of KY jelly, using a condom is important too to protect yourself from both sti's and pregnancy but that’s up to you. The thing that comforted me through the pain was knowing that I loved my boyfriend, that we were both ready because we had talked about it and that he would be gentle and understanding through our first sexual experience together. Knowing that made it a lot easier to go through with it. I hope this helps.

[Smile]

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Rebecca

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000
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"In terms of fingering I have never liked it, mostly because of men’s fingers being bigger than women’s, and even if they cut their nails it still always has hurt me, I have tried doing it to myself but it hurts when I do it too and I have already had sex"

Have you found your g-spot? (I know not every woman really has one, but I think most do). Makes a big diff, if you can.

Make sure you have lots of clitoral stimulation first, until you are aroused, before you try to insert anything. After that, I'm not really sure what to say -I guess I had lots of trouble with penetration until I bought a vibrating sex toy. If you're comfortable with that, might want to try something... Your muscles kind of memorize actions. If you can do something right (so it feels good once), it's easier to do again, like riding a bike.

I guess for me I am /not/ very tight. I just hope guys don't care too much about that heh

[ 10-15-2006, 11:02 PM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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becca424
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Thanks for the advice I actually did buy a vibrator recently and it has helped me find my g spot. You are right about being really aroused before trying to insert anything, my boyfriend and I are working on getting me more used to being fingered. I guess every woman is just different when it comes to things you like or don't like.

"I guess for me I am /not/ very tight. I just hope guys don't care too much about that heh"

I have heard all kinds of things about being tight versus not being tight, but I think what it really comes down to is that each woman is different and so is each man, what feels good to one woman may not to another, just like what feels good to one man may not feel good to another, it's mostly figuring out what you like and don't like for yourself. Also, I am learning if you are having sex with the right guy/guys sexual insecurites have a way of melting away.

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Rebecca

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dailicious
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(Psst, everyone? Let's just drop the whole "tight" vs. "not tight" junk, okay? The vagina is a muscle, and when a woman is aroused, it naturally widens/relaxes to help accomodate penetration. So, "tightness" is all about level of arousal, not about any particular vagina one way or another, and there's no way a vagina is really "tigher" or "less tight" in its natural state.)

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summer_in_the_city
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dailicious, can that really be true? that the only factor in tightness is level of arousal? surely some must just be wider than others, like some penises are wider? I'm just saying, that i've heard some women can put a whole hand into their vagina, and i'm sure, that no matter how aroused i was, that i couldn't do that! What do you think?
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000
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"surely some must just be wider than others, like some penises are wider?"

My thoughts exactly. Either that, or I'm just really, really easy to arouse. (which also might be the case, considering how much I think about sex). I never have trouble inserting a finger, whether I've done anything beforehand or not. I can't squeeze it tighter than a finger. (Although it didn't used to be that way before sexual activity). I've used objects bigger than a penis to masturbate and it felt good... and I've /never/ had to use lube. Actually with lube I find I can't feel things as much, so it doesn't feel as good. I sure hope I'm just "naturally different" as opposed to something stranger...

[ 10-22-2006, 12:17 PM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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LilBlueSmurf
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It's more of an arousal issue than you think. There may be some variation, but it is not significant and has more to do w/ arousal than anything.

The vagina is also the birth canal, after all ... It stretches to accomodate a newborn. It's also elastic though, and will (for the most part) go back to the way it was.

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000
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yeah, but birthing hurts incredibly, from what I understand, so it doesn't seem like quite the same issue here, as to whether or not someone feels /pain/ upon penetration of something (relatively) small...

[ 10-22-2006, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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LilBlueSmurf
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The issue is that the vagina is elastic and will stretch and go back to it's original state. 'Tightness' is not as much of an issue as people seem to think it is. It just isn't. It's all about arousal.

I brought up childbirth because a baby is significantly larger than a finger, penis or hand, and the vagina will still (generally) go back to it's original state.

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000
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What do you mean "(generally)"? And why would someone (like me, or some other girls I've heard talk on the issue) experience the vaginal canal never being quite as tiny after some sexual activity as it was beforehand?
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LilBlueSmurf
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I mean sometimes there are tears or episiotomies (when the doctor makes an incision to widen the vaginal opening) ... but excluding that, vaginas are made to stretch.

And i don't know. Perhaps because now you know what it takes to get to a state of arousal and are better able to get there.

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Heather
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Let's not be argumentative just for the sake of doing so, iheartdc, eh?

Summer_in_the_city, even for those of us who sometimes do enjoy fisting, we couldn't just have someone put a bunch of fingers in there at any time, and it doesn't always feel good. For that same group, sometimes NO vaginal entry feels good. Again, this is based almost primarily on arousal. If we're not super-aroused and relaxed, none of that is going to feel good. So yeah, while for some women it may be hard to imagine that feeling good or even being possible, but it really is with the right levels of relaxation and arousal and a partner who is responsive and knows what they're doing.

Yes, vaginal width in the vagina's resting state DOES vary, but not by very much in women pre-childbirth, and even post, plenty of women, after a little bit of time, often have little or no discrenable differences: usually post-childbirth women will need to go up a diaphragm size or two, but the sizes between them differ by millimeters.

Diaphragm sizes are actually a really good way of seeing how different we AREN'T. Most women use a size within an inch and a half range of one another: in other words, the variance of size between most women, even post-childbirth is THAT small -- within an inach and a half difference between all of us, and that's circumference. You follow? That is NOT a big difference between women at ALL.

Sexual activity does not change the width of our vaginas. It simply does not. If a woman has a partial hymen which sexual activity erodes, that certainly can change the size of the vaginal opening, but that's about it, and again, in resting state? Even that's not by much.

(FYI? Lilbluesmurf is an OB/GYN nurse. Worth bearing in mind: girl knows more than her fair share about vaginas, up close and personal.)

[ 10-22-2006, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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000
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I wasn't being argumentative just for the sake of being argumentative. Rather, I do find it unnerving when people tell me reality is one thing, when that is not what I myself have experienced. I think that clears it up a bit though. 1.5 inches is really not an insignificant variation when you think about it relative to penis width (as opposed to babies). Most penises are like a couple of inches in circumference, right?

[ 10-22-2006, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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Heather
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That's not even relevant, though (well, unless you are only having someone puts penises or fingers into your vagina with zero arousal or relaxation all the time).

And no, 1.5 inches is the average diameter for penises: circumference is an average of about 4-5 inches.

The vaginal width varation per the vagina WOULD be more relevant if the vagina was passive and static in its size.

But it is not: it is an active muscle, just like when you make a fist with your hand. And the vagina's width in its "resting" state isn't really comprable to the wide variance -- among just one woman -- we see once relaxation and arousal come into play.

This isn't in conflict with your reality: you have simple assumed that reality is based on one thing when it is not.

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000
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whatever, I still don't totally get it. It's not important anyway. I'm probably not performing enough lately, if I'm making unnecessary comments...

edit: yeah, I meant it's not important, b/c I'm fine, and it's not my thread.

[ 10-22-2006, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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Heather
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Given this is someone else's question, I think the important bit is that THEY get what THEY need to.

So, howabout you let this dog lie, and should you want to start a thread about general vaaginal curiousities, you do that?

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X_Emma_X
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This thread has been a lot of help and answered loads of questions apart from one which I havent seen...

I know that some girls bleed the first time they have sex but can you also bleed the first time you're being fingered?

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Heather
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That wouldn't be common if you mean clitoral stimulus with fingers, but if you mean vaginal insertion, yes, that can happen, and for similar reasons (lack of full arousal, lack of lubrication, a partner being too rough or the recpetive partner not communicating what feels good or what the right pace is), as well as because of callouses or hangnails on a partner's fingers.

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xx becks xx
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i need help to! all these posts have been useful but well..a while ago i was about to have sex with my ex(when i was going out with him ofcourse), which i wasnt quite ready for. It failed, and i think this was due to my vagina being tight! he didnt speak to me after this and broke up with me 2 weeks later! Then last night i was with a guy and i could feel the same sort of thing happening! so i chickened out even though sex was what i wanted. I have been fingered before and its been fine so im not too sure what to do! im suposed to be seeing this guy later again so is there any way i can prevent this? thanks
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dailicious
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becks - it sounds highly likely that the reason you're not experiencing full arousal and comfort is because you're getting so nervous. Nervousness is a big sign of not being ready for sexual activity and intercourse, and especially if you were not quite ready the first time, it's no wonder that you weren't able to relax and penetration was difficult.

The best way to prevent this is really to be fully ready to be sexually active and have intercourse - in order to make sex pleasurable for both of you, you'll wasnt to be fully relaxed, highly aroused, and using extra condom-safe lubricant to help make penetration smoother and more comfortable.

Have you read a couple of the articles pertaining to first time sex on our main page yet? Especially this one?

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