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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » totally panicked yesterday

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Author Topic: totally panicked yesterday
cool87
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Yesterday I was having oral sex and all with my boyfriend and we agreed that we were both ready to have intercourse for the first time together. We did not do it at all. I don't know what happened but when we were about to do it, when you know he got on top of me and were about to, I got really scared. I got upset, panicked, started to cry and stopped him.

And now I'm kinda concerned about what happened. Those are not normal reaction. Is this something wrong with me ?

[ 01-05-2007, 08:18 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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-Lauren-
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Actually, I'd say that's a perfectly normal reaction to sexual activity you're just not ready for.

We've already established your problems with over-analyzing and over-emphasizing details, the fact that this is an early relationship which likely has a velocity which won't mesh well with your current comfort level, and, as is becoming more apparent here, your tendency to sort of lie to yourself.

If you felt perfectly comfortable with intercourse through-and-through, you wouldn't have responded that way.

Why are you pushing yourself to keep doing this if it's such a huge source of anxiety for you? We've talked about working on expressing limits to your partners and you have done that, but that's pointless if you aren't in tune with your own comfort level and the boundaries that will meet it.

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cool87
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I tought though that it was something I was ready for. And, most of all, that was something I wanted.

So, that's why I told him I wanted us to have intercourse and that I was ready for it.

But I didn't expect I would react that way when we were finally about to do it.

[ 01-05-2007, 08:48 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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-Lauren-
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Things we're seeing, though, hun?

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=007953;p=1#000003

There, you described wanting to engage only in manual/oral sex, and were concerned about it being too soon.

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=2;t=009510;p=1#000000

Then here, a mere 4 days later, you talk about wanting intercourse, but still feeling doubtful/anxious about it.

Finally you post this, in a little over a week, saying you went ahead and took the plunge, despite feeling anxious all that time.

Do you see why we're concerned about the velocity and your seeming denial of your own comfort level?

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Heather
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...I'd like to add something else that I'd suspect was ALSO at play here.

My impression of you in the time you've been here and we've talked, cool, is that you put a LOT of pressure on yourself to do absolutely everything just right. In other words, that for pretty much anything you do, there's always this added pressure, even in situations where you COULD relax, and that have nothing to do with (or shouldn't) performance or perfection, where that just hangs around making everything laden with a certain level of anxiety.

So, yeah, by all means, what's with the sudden rush,. or what seems like it from this end? And on top of that, if the situation IS right, and you're in agreement with me that perfectionism (only applied to yourself, usually) might be at play to various degrees here -- from needing to acqueisce when that's what people want, and/or to having sex happen at JUST the right time, with you miraculously knowing how to inhumanly do things JUST right -- what do you think you can do to not bring that to avenues like this?

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cool87
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I got a little mixed up in what you were asking, so you could please rephrase that for me ?

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Heather
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Okay, let me try again: does what I perceive to be you being VERY hung up on doing EVERYTHING (not just sex) perfecty-perfect, often in a way I think is about you needing to meet people's expectations to the letter and get their approval -- to a point that it often seems to cause you a lot of distress, as well as it often seeming to backfire on you a lot -- perhaps play a part in a situation like this?

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cool87
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Well, I am really not sure this situation had something to do with perfectionnism to be honest. I'm not sure either how it could be.

I admit that I am a perfectionnisme sometimes, but not all the time and in all the things I do.

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Heather
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Okay, well then how about looking at the things Lauren brought up?

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cool87
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I think she might have made a point, sort of. But the thing is I wanted it and thought before doing it I was ready for it also.

But when came the time to do it, I just freaked out. So I might have not been that ready for it after all.

[ 01-06-2007, 12:44 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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logic_grrl
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It seems like when it comes to sex in particular, you want to find out what is "normal" and then do and say that.

I'm guessing that's part of what the others mean by "perfectionism".

And it makes it a whole lot harder for you to know what you really feel, if you've decided that you're "supposed" to feel a certain way.

Like here - it sounds like you were telling yourself that you were ready and wanted to have intercourse, but it wasn't really true.

As Miss Lauren said:

If you felt perfectly comfortable with intercourse through-and-through, you wouldn't have responded that way.

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cool87
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Haven't you already thought before you wanted something and were ready for something when in fact, when the moment arrived, you were really not ?

That's what happened here I guess.

I don't think it means I tried to denied how I really felt about intercourse and tried to fit a normal pattern (which doesn't even exists) though. I think it simply means I thought I was ready when I wasn't.

[ 01-06-2007, 12:55 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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logic_grrl
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That's a pretty big mistake to make about your own feelings, though.

Do you often have a hard time knowing what you're feeling about something?

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cool87
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But, there's a but, the fact that I was scared only a few weeks before like Lauren said that should have told me something. Likely, few days or weeks don't change much when it comes to readiness.

No, I don't normally have problems understanding how I feel about something. I'm like real good at it. So, maybe yeah something other than that has come into play here and I just don't want to admit it or see it.

[ 01-06-2007, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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Yeah, but "thought I was ready when I wasn't" would generally evoke a much more relaxed response than panic.

Panic tends to suggest that the rift between where you actually were and where you thought you were was exceptionally wide, or that something else was going on entirely.

I would take a second look at what logic_grrl said, because I think there's some important stuff in there for you, that also relates to the profound problems you had with boundaries previously, and with even really understanding how boundaries worked, with making sound choices solely for yourself, etc.

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cool87
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Okay. Maybe I knew I was not ready but didn't want to listen to that.

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cool87
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I might have felt a little bit that I had to get to my partner's sex level instead of him always being at my sex level.

[ 01-06-2007, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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Can you consider the idea that there aren't "levels" of sex?

Intercourse, for instance, isn't some higher level than other types of sex. Certainly, it carries some higher risks, but other than that, every other type of sex can be just as pleasurable (and sometimes more so, especially for women), enable just as much intimacy, the works.

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cool87
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Yeah, sorry.

What I wanted to mean is that my partner is used to being in almost all kind of sex including intercourse(and he likes it as much as the other ones) while I'm only into oral and manual sex for now.

But he told me that this doesn't cause him any problems and that he will wait until I'm ready to do it, so I guess I don't have to worry about it.

[ 01-06-2007, 01:57 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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Okay, but is HE talking to you about this being an issue for him? if so, what's the gist of those conversations?

And do you understand that different partners have different patterns anyway? For instance, in one relationship, our sexual patterns may be something like 70% oral sex, 20% intercourse (if we're even in a partnership where vaginal intercourse is an option), 10% manual sex. Then in another -- just due to different vibes, different preferences, different combinations of comfort levels, experiences, etc. -- it may be 80% manual sex, 20% oral sex. In the next still it may turn out to be 50% oral sex, 40% intercourse, 10% manual sex. And all of that may have zippo to do with readiness: both partners in all those scenarios could be 100% comfortable with intercourse.

And heck, I really like sleeping with women, but I have a male partner now who I also very much enjoy. Doesn't mean I lose sleep at night wishing my partner was female: everyone comes with different stuff, different likes and dislikes, different preferences. Any expectation anyone would have that their partner needs confrom to everything and anything they enjoy is more in a masturbatory mode than a partnered one. The idea that one person can or must fulfill every like we have or need is deeply flawed.

I suspect, though -- from what you've told us about this guy anyway -- that this is yet again more about your ideas of what's normal and what you need to be doing than about his.

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cool87
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Well, he didn't told me it was an issue that we didn't have intercourse right now. He really likes having intercourse but he said he'll wait until I'm ready to and he's fine with it. He's like really caring and he makes me a lot comfortable.

I'd really like to have intercourse with him as well in the near future, be it days, weeks, months even. But right now, I feel scared about it. This might be silly and childish but I'm scared this will hurt.(I really know there isn't supposed to be that big of a pain but I'm scared even though.) I guess that's an indication I'm not ready yet for it right ?

[ 01-06-2007, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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-Lauren-
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quote:
But right now, I feel scared about it. This might be silly and childish but I'm scared this will hurt.(I really know there isn't supposed to be that big of a pain but I'm scared even though.) I guess that's an indication I'm not ready yet for it right?
That's what we've been trying to say, yes. It seems that at least half your posts center on your worries and anxieties about intercourse, and this isn't the first time you've tried to bury them, tried to go through with it anyway, and ended up even more disappointed and anxious.

So, again; really consider why it is that you aren't listening to yourself, listening to your sense of comfort, and keep pushing yourself to do this despite those factors urging you not to.

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cool87
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I'll try to. I guess I'm already on the way.

But those fears, they're healthy right ? I was wondering why I was so anxious about intercourse. Could this just really be an indication I'm not ready for it yet ?

[ 01-06-2007, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Heather
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Fear -- rather than paranois -- when it's reasonable, is pretty much always healthy. It's how your mind protects you from harm.

If those worries are about absolutely NOTHING but physical pain, it might be worth (if you're ready and interested otherwise) examining the realities of that and how reasonable those fears are, especially when you consider that most pain in sex is either due to a partner not being sensitive and considerate or due to anxiety about or anticipation of pain.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cool87
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Yeah, I know. I guess those fears will disappear with time. At first, it was because I was just so tensed that vaginal sex even in masturbation just hurt, even one finger. But now, it has gotten a little bit better lately. I'm not all tensed as I used to be and the pain is a lot less present.

I can insert one finger quite easily when I'm aroused and it does not hurt much and plus, it is kind of pleasurable too which was not at all at first. I'm not yet able to go into more bigger objects than one or two fingers(if I'm really really turned on) but I guess it will change with time.

Just to tell you that maybe with a little more time and through masturbation like that, I'll realize that vaginal sex does not have to be about pain. And maybe this way I'll be less scared of it. So that's why I said once manual sex is a pretty important part for me before intercourse, because it can make me realize that there doesn't have to be pain involved. (even though I know intercourse and manual sex are two different things)

(edited : lol I just read the new article on intercourse and it is not that much reassuring I have to tell ya)

[ 01-06-2007, 08:32 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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