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chickie
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So I'm 16, I'm a senior in high school. One of my best friends and I (she just turned 18) went over to a friend's friend's house. We got really drunk and high and when she drinks she gets horny, so I watch out for her. we were hanging out with 2 guys, our 17 year old friend from our school and his 20 year old friend. we stayed up late and had fun. our friend has asked my female friend out before. I passed out and when I woke up, I think it wasn't that much later, it was dark in the room and it was just me and our 17 yr old guy friend. I had passed out on a camping mat, and he was on one next to me. I asked what time it was and where my friend was and if she was okay, cuz she was with the other guy and I had to make sure she didn't do something she didn't actually want to. our friend calmed me down and told me she was fine and I didn't need to worry. I couldn't even really sit up at that point so I decided not to worry too bad because the other guy seemed nice. our friend who was in the room with me started spooning me and running his hands all over my body. I could feel he was hard. I told him to stop because I have a boyfriend I care about very much. I did kind of want him though. still, I told him to stop and 'I can't' several times. he didn't stop and we didn't kiss or anything, and I didn't let him out his hand down my pants or in my bra, but he put my hand on his dick and I gave him a handjob just to get him to stop and because I kind of wanted to. but during the whole thing I just wanted it to stop. I don't know how to feel about this and I just need to talk about it. I talked to my boyfriend about it and I've talked to my friends about it extensively but I still don't know how to feel or anything. I saw him today and my friend who was there said she talked to him and he didn't remember, but that she didn't actually ask about specifically. He acted normal so I did too. I just need to talk to someone informed about this.
Posts: 28 | From: West Coast | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Hi Chickie,


I hear you voicing that you feel really confused by all of this. When you say you're not sure how to feel, do you mean that you don't know how you feel about this, or that you're not sure how you're supposed to feel?

You're describing a situation in which you weren't legally able to consent to sexual activity because you were drunk. You're also describing a situation in which you said you wanted the sexual activity to stop and the guy didn't listen to you. Why he didn't listen (whether he intentionally didn't attend to what you were saying or was too drunk to notice) none of us can say since we weren't there.

What do you feel like you need right now? What would it be helpful for us to talk about here with you?

--------------------
Robin

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chickie
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He doesn't remember and I kinda wanna tell him cuz I hate hidden stuff like that. And I keep reliving it and going over it and today I got legitimate anxiety over it, which I've been clear of for a month or so. I'm a mental health patient, but I can't talk about it to my therapist because she has to tell my parents. then they'll know I wasn't where I said and that I was drinking. and my friend, the girl, will get in trouble too. I'm just kinda scared for some reason and I don't know what to do about my boyfriend because I am attracted to other boys, and I wanna be free to act on that, but I don't wanna hurt him. he doesn't have anyone in his life who really cares about him.
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chickie
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Also I just feel angry at people who can't respect boundaries because this kind of thing has happened to me before, except we were both sober and it was in public. I just feel scared and angry at/of these boys/males in general who have the power to hurt that way.
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chickie
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and another factor is that I feel like it's my duty or job to serve a male who wants sexual attention from me, even if I don't find him attractive. This is partially because of what I like in my sex life, but those preferences have been formed because of extremely bad self esteem and image issues from very early adolescence, the portrayal of women in pop culture, my need to be found attractive, and the role my father has played in my life. he never did anything bad, but he has a strong sense of 'should' and what he must have of my siblings and me, and I always liked pleasing him.
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Molias
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Hi chickie,

I'm sorry to hear that your therapist would report what you say to them to your parents - that really puts you in a bind where you can't really talk about everything that might be important to discuss. Has your therapist said for sure that they'll report certain things to them? I would think that confidentiality agreements would protect you from that but I'm not sure how everyone's therapy practice handles such issues.

One thing you could talk to your therapist about, without involving anything they could report to your parents, is some of what you mention in this most recent post about having low self-esteem and wanting to please men even if you aren't attracted to them.

Do you know if there's a rape crisis center in your area? Many of these centers have completely confidential hotlines, and the folks who answer them are trained to handle a really wide range of rape and sexual assault issues. That could be a good resource for you if you want to talk about some of this with someone completely anonymously. If you want us to look up if there's one in your area, we can certainly do that.

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chickie
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It's the law for them to report sexual abuse, danger of suicide or abuse to the police/parents. I don't have a time hen I could call that.... I'm either at school or at home with my family all around me or with my boyfriend or friends. Even when I'm home I'm doing homework or sleeping.
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Robin Lee
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Hi Chickie,

As Molias said, there's a lot here that you *can* talk to your therapist about, including your feelings about your boyfriend, about boundaries, about wanting to experience sex with other people.

You can also ask your therapist for more specific input on what you can talk to them about without them telling your parents.

It sounds like you feel like talking to your friend about what happened would be helpful to you. Am I hearing you correctly that this is something you want to do? If so, what do you think are the pros and cons of telling him what happened?

It sounds like this has brought up a lot of stuff for you.

What else is keeping you in your relationship with your boyfriend besides not wanting to hurt him? That is, do you feel like you're getting what you need and want from this relationship?

You've mentioned a lot of things here. What do you feel like is the most important thing to talk about right now?

--------------------
Robin

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chickie
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I guess my main thing is that I don't know if I actually feel victimized or if I was sexually assaulted or I'm just telling myself that or making myself feel that way to cover up my guilt that I actually did kind of want to.
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chickie
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No one has replied for several days... could someone answer me please?
Posts: 28 | From: West Coast | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
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Even with your feelings that you wanted it to happen on some level, this guy continued being sexual with you after you'd told him no and to stop, *and* when you were much too drunk to consent - I'm comfortable calling this a sexual assault.

It's certainly possible to have conflicting feelings about an assault. Sometimes people are assaulted by a person they feel attraction to; that can certainly make things feel more complicated. We can't really know what you're feeling, but it sounds like this was a confusing and upsetting situation, and it's really ok to have a lot of feelings (even conflicting ones!) right now.
In terms of you feeling guilty, though - HE made the choice to keep going despite what you told him. Thoughts and feelings, like your thoughts that you wanted things to happen, aren't something we have a lot of control over, but actions are. Your feelings are pretty separate from what this guy did to you, even though those feelings were about him, and those feelings don't make you responsible for what happened.

How are you doing in general? Have you been able to talk to your therapist about any of the things you mentioned above that aren't directly related to the assault?

Posts: 1328 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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