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amandachristine067
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So one of my roommates accidentally got pregnant and there are 3 different people who could be the dad and she won't be able to know until she gets checked out and gets the date the child was conceived. She would never give the baby up for adoption so she will either keep it or get an abortion. She is really nervous and is going back home to talk to her mom about it.

I am wondering what tips and words of wisdom I can give her. I will support her with any decision she makes but she will be destroyed if she gets an abortion. She is 20 years old.

any advice would be greatly appreciated

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Heather
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I'm not sure what you mean when you say she "will be destroyed" if she decides to terminate her pregnancy.

Do you mean that is not a choice she wants to make?

In terms of how to support her, when you ask her what you can do and how you can do that for her, what has she said?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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amandachristine067
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she will be mentally upset if she got an abortion because it is not something she will be happy to do because she loves kids and it will be so hard for her. She is trying to decide to keep it or to terminate it.

I have told her that I will be there with her for whatever she decides and I am thinking about making her a list of pros and cons of each choice so that she can take everything into consideration. Do you think that is a good approach?

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Heather
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Well, she certainly doesn't have to choose to terminate her pregnancy if that's not something she wants. But if she winds up deciding that is the best choice for her in this situation, I'd not make assumptions about how she'll feel about it. Plenty of us who have terminated pregnancies also love kinds a lot, and that can be part of why we have made that choice. And not parenting when we know we can't, aren't ready, or it won't be good for a kid can be something we wind up feeling very good about because we love and value children.

I don't think you listing what HER pros and cons are for her is sound, no, especially if she's not asking you to do that. What the pros and cons are for us with any given reproductive choice doesn't tend to be general, but quite personal and individual. So, your ideas of what the pros and cons would be may or may not be what SHE would feel they are. And we can easily project our ideas about these choices unto someone else when we do something like that FOR them, rather than WITH them, because they are asking for our help.

Again, when we want to support someone, usually the "how" is for them to tell us. Have you asked her how she feels you can help and support her here? If so, what has she asked you for?

One thing, by the way, you could offer to help her with is talking with/getting to an options counselor. In other words, there are people trained and qualified (I'm one of those people, btw, if it's something she wanted to do online) to help people work through all of their options very objectively and help them decide what will be best for them. That's something available to her if she wants that help which she may not know about.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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amandachristine067
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Yes she wants me to do the list and she wants to sit down and do the list with me.

She only has asked me that if she doesnt go through with it she would like me to go with her and I said of course. she is my best friend and I will help her through whatever she wants and if she decides to go through with the pregnancy then I will help her out when she needs it.

That is a good idea. Maybe I will ask her if she wants to go to our college guidance office or something and if she doesnt want to go by herself i will take her because it is scary.

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Heather
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A guidance counselor isn't likely to be trained to do pregnancy options: would you like me to help you locate a clinic near to you which does have trained options counselors?

Perhaps for that list, then, you can just sit down with pen and paper and ask her to list *her* pros and cons, then talk about them with her? That way, they really are about her.

Sounds like you're being a really great friend here: she's lucky to have you. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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amandachristine067
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If you could help me locate one that would be so great! thank you very much i think her list will help her a lot
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Heather
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Sure thing. can you give me the postal code where you're at?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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amandachristine067
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sure is there anyway i can send it to you privately though?
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Heather
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Certainly. You can use the "contact us" link at the bottom of the page to do that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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amandachristine067
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Thank you I just sent it!
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Heather
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Got it, and sent you two local places for her back. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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