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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » Need Options in Case of Pregnancy

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Author Topic: Need Options in Case of Pregnancy
Raindropsfalling
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Member # 108419

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Hi, last weekend I had unprotected sex twice. I know myself to be usually careful when it comes to sex, but for some reason I decided to be really stupid, and got myself into said situation. Both times he pulled out, but I don't think he did so in time the second time, and he just recently told me he wasn't so sure if he pulled out in time during the first time either. I feel I have a real risk of pregnancy, even if it is too early to tell.

I am mentally preparing myself calmly for this risk, but I am weighing my options in case that I am in fact pregnant. I need help. I don't know whether I should adopt out my child or abort it. I feel I am really not prepared in any way to look after a kid, since I am a college student that is being supported by my own parents who live 5,000 miles or so away from me. I currently have no source of income, and live alone. The person I had sex with is just a friend who visited from the states, and doesn't want anything to do with this, so I am alone in making this decision.

I am seriously considering adoption, even though I feel it to be frustrating to have to go through 9 months of pregnancy and pain and get nothing in return. Then again, I manage to give a couple the gift of life, and that may just be enough for me. An abortion on the other hand would let me live my life with no consequences, although I feel like it's unfair to not give my child a chance at a good life when this situation was completely my fault. It's not like I am much younger, and it would ruin my high school life. I am still allowed to attend college classes while pregnant, and the only thing that it would do is humiliation. Then again, when I do tell my parents, it's probably the thing they'd want for me, and I trust them.

Can someone please give me a full list of pros/cons of either side? I want a neutral source, and I haven't been able to find any so far. If I was to consider adoption, please realize that it'd be an open one, as I would want to talk to the parents and make sure my child is going somewhere safe.

Thank you so much, any help is appreciated! Also please note, there is a chance that I may not be pregnant, the plan is if I miss my period to take a store-bought pregnancy test. I am just weighing my choices just in case, to reduce panic if I am [Smile]

[ 09-05-2013, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: Raindropsfalling ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Welcome to the boards, Raindropsfalling, and sorry to hear you're in this spot.

You seem to have a pretty good handle on the different things these choices offer you: what do you feel like you're missing in this regard?

We really like this longtime helper for making these choices: http://www.pregnancyoptions.info/pregnant.htm There's also a printable version if you want to do this on paper. It can help walk you through making this choice, honoring all your possible options as valid. It does not hold any one choice in higher regard than another: it recognizes any choice many be the right one for us as individuals with unique circumstances.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raindropsfalling
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Thank you for the worksheet, I'll be sure to print it out and go over it right away!

I would just like to hear an opinion that is not my own, since I feel a little helpless and lost. I cannot seem to choose one or the other. It's a very hard choice, and I'm not sure I can do it by myself, as I have never been pregnant before and wouldn't know what to expect from either an abortion or adoption.

Thank you so much again!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, I can't really give you an opinion on which option is best for you, since we don't know each other. And what to expect from either of these choices, in very broad ways -- versus very specific ones that aren't so individual -- varies so much between people.

But if you like, we can talk them though, perhaps starting with the choice you think you'd MOST like to make: the one that, for now, when you think about it, feels the most right. Can you pick one like that to start talking about?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raindropsfalling
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I think right now I'm leaning more towards Adoption, simply because even though I'm all for abortion, I feel it isn't for me in this specific situaiton. I could manage with being pregnant for 9 months, it wouldn't necessarily ruin my life. I may lose certain friendships, or have small anxieties about what people may think of me, but overall those are small things in comparison. I am worried however that if I am pregnant my mother will want to ship me back to the states, which would impede my studies. Then again, that is something I would have to talk over with her, nothing to do with the choice. I understand that abortion is usually quick and painless as it is done early with medication, and everything would be over quickly, but the more I think about it, if I can secure a good future for my child I will do it. I will have to put myself through a lot more hardship and work if I go for adoption though and I'm scared that I will be too soft and want to keep the baby myself, which would make giving it away hurt even more.

I've obviously been thinking about it a lot [Smile] sorry for unloading on the forums, and thanks again for giving me your time!

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Heather
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No need to be sorry at all, this is one of the things we're here for, and I'm happy to listen and help as I can.

So, starting with adoption then, and seeing if we can't separate it from feelings about abortion, and make it a choice unto itself, what are YOUR pros and cons?

I hear you saying the pros for you are that you think you would feel good about creating a child you can help give a good future to by choosing a loving family who wants a child right now.

I hear you saying your cons include concerns that remaining pregnant may mean that your mother makes choices with your life you don't want, that it means more hardship and work, and that you are very concerned about the emotional impact on you of being pregnant and going through labor and then surrendering your child.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raindropsfalling
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Alright, I'll try.

Pros of Adoption:

-Giving someone my mistake, and making something out of it
-I get to see how my child is growing up if I go into an open adoption
-With an open adoption I get to chose the parents that my child goes to
-After adoption, my life returns to normal
-I can still continue classes while pregnant, and my expenses would be payed by the country if not by the parents

Cons of Adoption:

-I can become emotionally attached to the baby which may cause depression after separation
-I would have to endure 9 months of pregnancy without a partner to support me
-I could suffer birth complications, and all other problems that come with birth
-My life could be torn due to emotional issues that could arise
-I may even lose the friends I have just managed to make here
-The father may have to get involved

Pros of Abortion:

-My life will go completely back to normal after the procedure
-The father wouldn't have to even get slightly involved as he prefers
-I could focus on more important matters in my life, such as my studies
-My pregnancy would be completely private, and no one but my immediate family would ever know
-It is safe, and has a very low risk of complications compared to birth

Cons of Abortion:

-The cost. In Austria it is not covered by healthcare
-Abortion reduces the number of adoptable babies for parents who may have been waiting for years
-Abortion may increase the risks of miscarriage later in my life
-I could become depressed or psychologically affected

I tried to be as emotionally detached as possible [Smile] Usually when making big decisions I am, but right now it seems it's hard to.

[ 09-05-2013, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: Raindropsfalling ]

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Heather
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Well, I think it's fine to do that, but this is a choice that involves feelings, so thinking about this with your emotions turned on is also not only okay, but often pretty essential.

So, looking at those pros and cons, it looks like you have a pretty realistic sense of things here. The only thing I'd pitch in is making sure you know that depression or hard feelings are a maybe no matter WHAT choice someone makes, and we have a lot of study that supports the reality that NO given choice is more associated with depression than any other, with one exception. That exception is that the longer someone stays pregnant, the more your body, and all the chemicals in it, change, so the tougher it can be to bounce back. In other words, the longer someone remains pregnant, the more likely post-partum depression gets, just because the body is going through more changes once the pregnancy is over, if that makes sense.

As well, safe, legal abortion doesn't increase the risk of miscarriage: that's a myth, not a fact.

Looking at your pros and cons here with my small corrections, what do you think?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raindropsfalling
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Thanks for clearing that up.

About emotion, I try to first look at things on a neutral stand point, to get a basic idea of everything. I feel I should trust my gut more when I am 100% sure in that position, until then I am just educating myself as much as possible.

Also the myth, thanks, it's hard to find information on abortion that isn't biased towards one way or another, it also makes it a little bit more easy.

I am still unsure about what to do, but I feel more educated about it. I printed out the worksheet, and will start filling it out as much as I can without actually knowing I am pregnant yet.

Thanks, is it okay if I have more questions that come up in the next few days that relate to this forum I can repost here? Just checking! I know some forums have major issues about this.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It's totally okay. You can do that for weeks, months or years if you want. We have many long-term conversations and relationships with our users here. [Smile]

You know, too, in my experience a lot of the times one big player in these choices is how we feel if and when we actually are pregnant and KNOW we are: when we're looking at a positive test result, in a word. Something about everything being actual rather than a maybe seems to go a long way per helping us identify our strongest feelings when it comes to the choices.

Here's a page on abortion with facts, on site, btw: All About Abortion.

If you use the search bar on the main site and search for 'adoption," you'll also find a couple pieces we have here I think are very good, both from birth mothers, speaking to their own lived experiences.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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