Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » not sure if this is in the right place

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: not sure if this is in the right place
Prozac
Activist
Member # 79657

Icon 4 posted      Profile for Prozac         Edit/Delete Post 
I couldn't really find a forum where I thought this post fit... Sorry if it's in the wrong place.

I've been really depressed all day -- and as someone who only JUST pulled herself out of 8 years of clinical depression, that's kind of scary. I'm taking my medication as prescribed, I have saw a doctor today, and I have a therapy appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow (he doesn't prescribe meds for me, only does therapy -- the doctor I mentioned is also a psychiatrist and he does meds for me). I'm also getting bloodwork done tomorrow to check my lithium levels -- by the way, I'm on lithium; that's what's kind of helped me pull out of my depression after all these years -- and seeing the nurse who oversees my meds. So I'm covered medically. My problem is tonight.

I want to cut myself. I haven't yet. I haven't done it in months, to be honest -- close to a year, actually. After I quit, I kept telling everyone that every cutter should have a pet project, no matter how silly it is, because I transferred my need to cutting into an ambition (not a serious one, just a fun one) to have the perfect shampoo-commercial hair. So usually when I want to cut myself, I do all these weird treatments to my hair and that makes me feel better and distracts me until I don't want to cut anymore. (I know it sounds stupid, but it WORKS!... until now.)

Tonight, I have washed my hair with a clarifying shampoo, conditioned and deep conditioned, did an oil treatment, and put balm on it, and I've kind of run out of things to do to my hair until tomorrow when I can style it and stuff. So my coping mechanism for not cutting? Yeah, down the drain tonight. And with each passing minute I get more and more crazy depressed. I've already deleted everything on my Facebook account and turned off my phone because I just don't want to talk to anyone right now, and I won't call a crisis hotline because they'll lock me up and I've had quite enough of that in the past, thank you very much.

I kind of just don't know what to do. Well, I take that back -- I know what to do -- not cut. But that's easier said than done...

I just needed to tell someone. I don't want to relapse.

Posts: 68 | From: United States | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
corky404
Neophyte
Member # 104900

Icon 1 posted      Profile for corky404     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Depression sucks, i would know, but sounds like your having it worse. I get help on this site for understanding sexual situations (even though im not having sex until marriage to avoid certain dramas). I may not be the professional you want to hear from, but if you ask me i think your starting to become alittle stronger by making the decision not to cut, its a start and you should be proud of that. I actually like that your hair helps as a coping mechanism, but if you can't do your hair at night, then try having the fun of finding other things to occupy yourself that may even be productive. Think of the things you like and start from there, what makes you smile?

I hope this helps alittle. And if you want a website that might help you with depression you can try medhelp.org they have options and help for people with depression and other health issues. I hope this helps, i believe you can get through it somehow. [Smile]

--------------------
Corky

Posts: 31 | From: cali | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Molias     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi Prozac,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in a rough patch today. I saw your post earlier today and it sound like you have a lot going on. I'm really glad that you have some medical care lined up for tomorrow.
Just so you know - if you call a crisis hotline you don't have to give any personal information. I don't want to discount any experiences you've had with such services in the past, but the general practice of those hotlines is work you through an immediate crisis and not to force you into hospitalization. Here is a list of suicide hotlines, both by state and nationwide (your info says you're based in the US, so I'm going off of that). I know you say you don't want to call one but maybe having that information will help. And again, you can be anonymous with this. I'd strongly encourage you to make that call to have someone talk you through some ideas about not cutting tonight. (and yes, I know these say "suicide" but in talks with folks who've volunteered with places like this, they do get people with self-harm impulses and should be able to handle that)

I love your idea of transferring your desire to cut into making your hair fabulous. That's really great - it doesn't sound stupid at all to me, it sounds like a wonderful idea. Do you like doing your nails? Could you distract yourself with an awesome manicure, too?
Or... just to put some other distracting ideas on the table: do you have a silly movie you've seen a million times, that's comforting and relaxing? A craft hobby, like knitting, that will keep your hands busy with safe objects? Journaling or sketching? A huge playlist of baby hedgehog videos on youtube?

Please take care of yourself tonight.

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Molias     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oops, I accidentally double-posted. It just means I doubly-wish you well tonight, Prozac.

[ 03-19-2013, 10:07 PM: Message edited by: Molias ]

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Prozac
Activist
Member # 79657

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Prozac         Edit/Delete Post 
The trouble with crisis lines is, if they think you're a danger to yourself, they'll track your phone number and send the cops, who WILL drag you to the hospital. Been there, done that, not doing it again. But thanks for the list.

I thought about doing my nails or like planning an outfit for tomorrow (I swear I'm not a ditz, I just like clothes and makeup :D) but I'm just so tired. I can't bring myself to do anything right now other than just sit here and listen to music. And trust me, the music is NOT helping.

I'm just so unhappy. And so tired.

Posts: 68 | From: United States | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Molias     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oof, yeah, I'm really sorry you've dealt with that. That's really surprising to me based on crisis line protocol I learned (this was for a rape crisis line). We did learn protocol for handling callers who expressed suicidal and self-harming thoughts and the only time we were supposed to get cops involved was if someone had a plan and means in place for suicide, not non-lethal self-harm; the goal there was to try to talk someone out of cutting/etc. but not get the police involved. But again I will definitely not argue against what you've experienced. That seems like a bad policy on the part of whatever line you called. =(

So, I hear you saying you're tired, which is really understandable - what if you decide to go to sleep right now? Or at least go through whatever relaxing bedtime ritual you have (maybe take a bath, if you find those to be soothing) and lie in bed and get comfy until you can fall asleep?

[ 03-19-2013, 10:24 PM: Message edited by: Molias ]

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Prozac
Activist
Member # 79657

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Prozac         Edit/Delete Post 
Honestly, I'm afraid to turn off the music so I can sleep (even though the music isn't helping). I'm afraid if there's room for silence in my head, I'll start thinking about worse things than cutting.

And before you ask -- nope, can't fall asleep with music on. I've tried repeatedly -- I need silence (both mental and real!)

Posts: 68 | From: United States | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Molias     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I think right now the important thing is to do whatever you can to keep yourself safe - if listening to music right now is doing that, then that's your best bet. Hopefully you can just hold out that way until you really do tire yourself out. Also, you may be too tired to actually do your nails or plan your outfit, but you can think through your options. What would you do to your nails if you could imagine anything? What about grey polish with purple sparkles or bright green metallic?

If you find that you're seriously considering something more harmful than cutting, if you won't call a hotline then please call a friend. I've gotten the middle-of-the-night phone call and I promise you that getting a full night's sleep wasn't as important to me as being there for someone I cared about who was in pain and needed my support.

I won't be around the rest of the night but I'm going to check in with you tomorrow, ok? Please be good to yourself and hold out until you can see your doctor tomorrow.

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Prozac
Activist
Member # 79657

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Prozac         Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I didn't cut. I saw my nurse and psychiatrist today. Both of them are concerned. I contracted for safety with my psychiatrist because I don't want to get locked up -- at least, not until the semester is over. I'm amenable to being locked up for a week or two after I get all my grades in.

I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating. I am taking my medication though, so, win there. I haven't been talking to any of my friends and have basically been off the grid for two days now; typically, my friends gave up on me after a text and a Facebook message and now nobody bothers me. I'm alone. It feels oddly appropriate.

Posts: 68 | From: United States | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Molias     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm really glad to hear you didn't cut last night; I know that was difficult for you. Thanks for checking back in with an update.
Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3