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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » Something must be wrong!!!!

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Author Topic: Something must be wrong!!!!
Madii
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Okay, so on Friday me and my boyfriend were trying to have sex for the fifth or sixth time (all other attempts a fail), and I felt a sharp pain and he immediately stopped. We then went on to do other things, and then we just went home. Later that night, I went to pee or whatever, and there was some brownish reddish discharge; me and Chris (my boyfriend) talked about it, and decided it must be my hymen. Then today, we were messing around, and he began to finger me. He pulled his finger out and said "oh.". I looked down horrified and terribly embarrassed to see his finger covered in bright red blood, which he had also accidentally smeared in my new panties(ugghhhh), anyways, I went downstairs and cleaned myself up, and got the blood off of my vagina. I checked several times later today and I'm not continuing to bleed. It can't be my period because I finished that like two weeks ago. What's wrong with my vagina?!?!)':
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Robin Lee
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Hi Madii,

I can imagine that it was scary to see blood. A small amount of vaginal bleeding can happen from time to time with sexual activity. Vaginal tissues are pretty delicate and can sometimes be irritated by friction, which can lead to a little bleeding. It also certainly is possible that you experienced some coronal (hymenal) tearing.


Either way, the fact that you're not still bleeding or experiencing pain is an excellent sign that there isn't anything wrong here. How are you feeling about this?

I don't think we talked about this in your other thread, but have you started your sexual health care? starting to be sexually active is a good time to start seeing a provider for sexual healthcare.

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Robin

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Madii
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I'm still a little startled, but I trust your judgement, soooo I'll get over it.(: haha anyway, I'm really terrified at the thought of going to a gynecologist.... I feel really afraid of letting someone else (professional or not) touch my vagina. Another thing is, I wouldn't know how to go to a sexual healthcare facility, seeing as my mother doesn't know that I'm sexually active. My boyfriend's parents don't know either, and telling them would suck, seeing as they happen to be the pastors at my church....
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Robin Lee
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HI Madii,

It's okay to be startled, and it's also okay if you're still feeling uncertain about it. WE can talk about that more if you need to.

You're voicing that you feel afraid of someone else touching your vagina. How do you feel about your boyfriend touching it?

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Robin

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Madii
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I feel absolutely fine about my boyfriend touching my vagina. I was afraid for him to do it at first too...... But then I got over my issues and we worked through it at the pace I felt was comfortable.
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Heather
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Since you've posted about pain with sex recently, too, I really think you're going to need to figure out a way to see a sexual healthcare provider.

You don't need a parent's permission to do that, so perhaps we can look into your local options and you can make a few calls?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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Well maybe, but I have no idea on how I'm going to get there.....
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Heather
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Well, how are you or your boyfriend getting to wherever you two are engaging in sex? However you do that is probably how you can do this.

The bus, walking, a bike, a friend with a car, or if your boyfriend drives...?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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My boyfriend drives, but he's in college and he doesn't have a car on campus, we see eachother mostly on weekends when he lives at home.
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Heather
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How do you get to where you see each other?

(Many clinics have Saturday hours, if you're saying you could only get any kind of transportation on the weekend.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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He lives at home on the weekends, so he has access to a car. And I'll try to check that out..... What usually happens at these appointments?
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Heather
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First-time GYN exams tend to go like this: Your First Gynecologist Visit

And the same would be the case for a doctor looking into unexplained pain and bleeding, save that they might ask you some more specific questions about when both are occurring, and during what activities.

Want help finding what's near you? It's possible there's even a Planned parenthood or public health branch where, if your boyfriend isn't up to sate with his own sexual healthcare, like STI tests, you could both get that done on the same place on the same day.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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That sounds really really scary....... And I wouldn't know what OB/GYN to go to because my mother is the office manager of two....... Stressing out really bad here!!
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Heather
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Why does this sound scary?

Really, if nothing else, it sounds to me like you've kind of set yourself up here for a sexual life you're not yet able to manage well.

So, while it sounds like you should have some healthcare now, it sounds like you might be unlikely to follow though with that, so at the very least, how about backing off with any kind of sex until you ARE in a position where, at the very least, you can take care of your sexual health in the basic ways we *all* need to if we're going to be sexually active?

(Also, is there a reason you haven't talked to your mother yet? If she manages two OB/GYN offices, it'd be pretty surprising if she's not very well aware of the fact that young people often have sexual lives.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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Okay, this is scary because I really really don't want anybody seeing my vagina or anus except for my boyfriend. I don't want anybody putting plastic/metal objects or fingers into me. Last February I went through a CPS case with my father for rape when I was a small child. Nobody knew about it (except my boyfriend), and so when my mother and family found out it was too much drama and blah blah blah. Anyway, I went to the hospital for some exam (i forgot the name of it) and it was terrifying. I just really don't want to go through anything else like that again.

As for my mom not knowing about my sexual habits: it's complicated. Of course she knows, but she freaks out whenever me and Chris are alone together in the house, or anything else.

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Heather
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I'm afraid that a lifetime of avoiding sexual or reproductive healthcare just is something we know really, really puts people's health at great risk. especially if they are going to be sexually active.

By all means, I can understand why the last time around was so scary for you. And why you might be carrying some fear and anxiety from that around still.

But you will have to find a way to remedy this, especially if you're going to engage in any kind of sex in your life. If you ever want to have kids, there's going to be a host of people involved in this care very constantly.

Here's the thing you can know moving forward: you can tell clinicians and doctors about having fear and anxiety with exams, and they can help you with that. If you're up to telling them you're an incest survivor, they can give you additional help, too. maybe help is an anti-anxiety medication before an exam, or having a meeting with the doctor to get to know them first without an exam, or talking you through things in a way that works for you. Some clinicians might also let you have someone else in the room with you, like your boyfriend, if that helps you.

I'd personally advise you get care sooner, rather than later, but if you don't feel up to that yet, my next-best advice would to to take genital sex off the table for now, period, UNTIL you feel able to also take care of your sexual health, which includes STI tests and annual or biannual exams.

In terms of talking to your mother, if she knows you're sexually active, is she also aware you -- and probably your boyfriend, too -- aren't getting any kind of sexual healthcare? Or that you aren't using any contraception besides (I think) condoms?

[ 12-31-2012, 02:41 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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I understand where you're coming from. Thank you for the advice.

My mother is naive when it comes to me and sex. I mean, I'm dating a good, Christian boy, the pastor's son even! This boy had a good up-bringin' didn't he? This is the good ol' God fearin' south! Surely these youngin's ain't about to disobey the Holy Bible! (this is everyone I live around)

And contraceptives: I'm on birth control (for my period and acne) and we use condoms. We both have big plans for our futures and a baby would hurt those right now.

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Heather
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Well, how about being more honest with your mother about the realities of this? (You say she knows you're having sex in one post, and are suggesting something different now, so I'm trying to keep making sense of all this despite the inconsistencies.)

I'm pretty concerned here about it sounding like we might be the only people, period, you're talking to about your sexual life. I'm concerned because you're relatively young, and with what sounds like an older partner (who also, it sounds like, isn't taking care of his sexual health, or being honest about his sexual life with others). I'm concerned because you're a sexual abuse survivor who I'm betting isn't having any ongoing counseling to help you manage your healing with that, or your sexual life, including your health, now.

I'm concerned because it sounds like you have a parent who somehow manages an OB/GYN office -- two even -- yet pretends to be naive about sex. There's no likely way she can be, given her job. What's more likely is that she's acting the way she is out of denial, which really isn't healthy for you or, I have to say, good parenting on her part.

And I'm ever more concerned about those things because for the history of your posting here, you pretty much always sound like you are WAY over your head with all of this, you know? And it wouldn't be shocking that you were, given your age and what sounds like a hot mess of a situation, all around.

Also, who did you see to prescribe the contraceptives? Whoever that was is likely someone you can see for your other sexual healthcare, if you liked them.

[ 12-31-2012, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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By the way, here's a listing of all the Planned Parenthood centers in your state: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-center/findCenter.asp?s=NC

If nothing else, how about seeing if you and your boyfriend can't get to one soon JUST for an educational visit?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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I will consider talking to my mom.

I have other people I talk to sometimes, such as my mom's best friend. Her son and I are best friends and she's like my second mom. We're just closer than my mom and I are. And after the whole abuse case I was assigned a therapist whom I like very much and we talk about my sex life sometimes too.

I don't know what's up with my mom. She had me at a young age, so I think she doesn't want me to make the same mistakes, and in turn, we just don't talk about it.

Can you explain to me how I'm way over my head with my past posting? I'm slightly confused.

And the birth control: I had horrid acne and went to see a dermatologist. Before I started my hardcore Accutane, she put me on antibiotics and birth control to clear up most of it. But I didn't have to go see any other doctor to get it.

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Heather
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Maybe your Mom's best friend is someone who could help you with this, then? Including with sexual healthcare?

I also didn't know you have had a therapist available to you: have you told her all of what you've told us around your sexual life?

What do your therapist and your friend's mom have to say about all this if they know the whole stories?

Alas, not talking about sex with your kids is about the surest way to make sure they have a hard time with it or make big mistakes. It sounds like maybe your Mom should be asking some of the doctors she works for for some help with this, or even just a couple basic books on parenting when it comes to sex. Do you think it's possible to tell her you DO want and need to talk about sex with her in a real way, and that you need her to step up here? Or, maybe this is something you could ask your therapist to do with her? Intervening with families this way, especially when it's clear needed parenting isn't happening, is a big part of what adolescent and child therapists will tend to do. If she hasn't suggested it already, actually, I'd be pretty surprised.

When I say you sound in over your head, I mean that you don't sound like someone who really is ready to manage all that we need to when it comes to sex and a sexual life, AND you sound like someone where, as things have stood and stand now, the context of your sexual life is so complicated and such a mess in so many ways -- including what sounds like parents on all sides having their heads in the sand, probably knowingly, no less -- that this just really isn't going to be manageable for you right now.

Feeling scared and panicked so much of the time? Those are generally very clear cues we have been moving WAY too fast for what we can really handle. same goes fro feeling like the things we have to do, the most basic things, to have sex in a healthy way are impossible or terrifying.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Madii
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I just need to think about all of this...... Thanks for all of your help.
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Heather
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Of course. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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