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Author Topic: desperate for advice, abuse to an unknown degree
tonguetied
Neophyte
Member # 96365

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I apologise for the confusing title, but I really need some insight on how to handle this problem within the next thirty days, and it could change the lives of my family in a way I never wanted.

To be frank, and I don't know any other way to say this, I have very good reason to believe that my cousin has been molesting me in my sleep. but some background is needed before this story goes any further. I am 16 years of age, as is my cousin. He shall be referred to as "D" from now on. I live with my younger sister who is thirteen, and both my parents who have been married since before I was born. I have lived in the same house all my life, and my family have been the stable and generally nurturing kind that every child should get. But since last week, my world is crumbling and I have internalized the "experience" and have not told anyone what has happened. So, here goes.

Last week,D and his father (my dad's twin brother) had stayed overnight as they visit about every two months or so. I awoke at around 4:30AM to discover D sitting near the end of my bed, touching my feet. He had his phone as a light so I saw his face clearly enough to distinguish it was him. I stayed awake but pretended to be asleep, as I was afraid and I knew if he was doing what I believed he was planning to do, I could not put him punching my lights out past him. so I moved around a bit, as I did upon awakening until he stopped. then when I stopped moving, he started moving back the blanket to reveal more of my legs. At this point I just thrashed around until he left, which he did promptly after. I know it wasn't some sort of nightmare, because I got up, went to the bathroom and stared in the mirror, trying to register what just happened. My mind was flooded with questions. Had this happened before? To me? Or my sister?. After that I stayed awake for the next two hours reading a book trying to calm myself down.

When I awoke again, I found out that they were staying until four pm that day. I felt horrible, as initially I wanted to run and tell my parents as soon as they left. But then I realised that wasn't going to happen. I lost count of how many times during that day I wanted to break down and cry. how many times I wanted to scream at him, "How could you do this you sick bastard, You were a brother to me!" But I didn't. I still haven't told my parents. I know I have to, but I just can't bring myself to. How could he do this to me, and then I have to be the one to confess his filthy secret? After all these years we grew up together and now he does this? In my own house, let alone bed? He sickens me.

This is where I need your advice. They are returning almost 100% definitely by around august 30th. I have to tell my parents by then. One, because I never want to see his face again or be near him. And two, because if he has been doing this to my little sister I would sooner castrate him than let him anywhere near her. I just don't know how to approach my parents. They're both good people with their heads screwed on right, but my dad can be very overprotective, which I think most good dads are. I'm afraid he'll go crazy and hurt D and get sent to jail. I really don't want that, my dad is my rock, even though he might not know it. I can't have my family get any more torn apart than it already will be when I drop this death-bomb of information. I know I don't ever want to see my name cross a newspaper, or have this get out to anyone who does not HAVE to know. which means no courts, preferably. I just hate to crush my family like this. I want to give them just a few more days of happiness, but my time is running out. Help?

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J

Posts: 3 | From: laptop | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey, tonguetied. I'm actually not really here-here, but I wanted to make sure you got a response.

I think before anything else, where I feel confused is about what seems to me to be an assumption that this person was intending to do something they didn't actually do or express any intent to do.

In other words, in reading this, I see this person was sitting at the end of your bed and touched your feet, and then moved the blanket to expose more of your legs (which certainly sounds like an invasion of your privacy, but which I don't see as an abuse all by itself). It also appears that even without you protesting or saying anything, that's all they did, but it sounds like you're voicing that this person had the intent to sexually abuse you, which is what you're worried about disclosing. I even hear you voicing a desire to hurt this person in some way, and a suspicion this person has been sexually abusing you while you have been sleeping in the past.

Can you perhaps clear some of this up for me? namely, why you feel anything beyond what you did witness has happened, or why you feel this person had intent to do you harm? before I get a clearer picture of why you feel that way, it'd be tough for me to advise you on what and how to disclose.

[ 07-27-2012, 08:44 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68247 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tonguetied
Neophyte
Member # 96365

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He acted as if nothing had happened the next day, and was completely unapologetic or remorseful looking at all. My friends used to tell me they sometimes caught him looking at us for a bit too long to be in a "brotherly/friendship" manner,especially when we went swimmming in my backyard. His lack of fear or nervousness that he may have been caught makes me think he doesn't have any sort of nervousness or guilt as I would think he would have doing this the first time. Maybe he did show these signs at an earlier date, and I didn't pick up on it. I wouldn't actually hurt him, I'm just very frustrated and resentful.

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J

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Do you think it's possible he didn't act remorseful about this because he wasn't intending to do or doing what it seems you think he was? In other words, let's say what happened was that he was curious about your feet or legs and just looking at them while you slept. Like I said, that's still an invasion of your privacy, but that kind of curiosity or behavior also happens among family members where no one is abusing anyone, nor intending to do anything more than be curious like that.

I'm also not sure what "signs" you're talking about, so again -- and I'm sorry if I'm being daft here -- I feel very lost.

Let's maybe try this: before this, did you have any reason to think anyone has been sexually abusing you whole you slept? For instance, unexplained vaginal pain or fear about wanted sex with anyone else or your genitals, a pattern of genital infections, a fear of your cousin you couldn't explain, anything?

Also, you say you feel frustrated and resentful. Can you maybe express what is frustrating you and what you resent right now?

[ 07-27-2012, 09:31 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68247 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tonguetied
Neophyte
Member # 96365

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I didn't feel threatened, but I thought he might have a bit of a crush on me. I didn't expect him to ever act on it though. I'm more concerned that he may have done this to my sister or has intimate photos on his phone because he was using it as a light source.

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J

Posts: 3 | From: laptop | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okay.

Here's the thing: it sounds to me like you are taking some GIANT leaps here. Really big ones that I don't think, from everything you have said so far, there's any kind of basis for. Even if your cousin might have had or might have a crush on you, that doesn't mean that what happened was about sexual abuse or any intent to sexually abuse you or anyone else.

So, how about this: how about you start by just talking to your cousin about him being in your bedroom and looking at your feet and legs the other night, express that you felt that invaded your privacy, and ask him what his deal was?

[ 07-27-2012, 09:39 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68247 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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