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averagejen
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Member # 36400

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Hello,
It's been a while since I posted here, and I'm posting here now because I'm feeling suicidal and I don't know where else to turn for help. I have social anxiety so I don't feel comfortable calling suicide hotines and all other online suicide hotline chats are off-line right now seeing as it's 10PM where I live. The situation is as follows:

I'm 21 years old and I've been diagnosed with clinical depression, OCD and social anxiety 5 years ago. The OCD has been under control but the depression and social anxiety are still very hard to deal with despite taking antidepressants. I've also been self-harming for a while.

I've been in a relationship with C for about 16 months. At first it was good but later on we kept fighting (the majority of the reason being that I was not affectionate enough/I didn't love him as much as he did/problems with trust). For example, about a year ago, C blew up at me when he found out that I ate lunch with a male friend (strictly a friend) and that I lied to him about it. I know that this was a big mistake and I shouldn't have lied. This isn't an excuse, but the only reason I lied was because I knew if I told him the truth from the get-go, C would be mad at me anyway (I was basing this off of prior experience with C). No matter how much I begged for forgiveness, C refused to believe that me and the male friend were just friends and forgave me only on the condition that I never have contact with the said male friend again (this is after a week of me apologizing profusely and basically being at C's mercy). Anyway that's just one example of how our relationship was dysfunctional.

I didn't want to believe it, but I realized that we weren't compatible, which led to us growing apart even further. Also there were some times that made me question whether this relationship was even safe for me. I've been sexually assaulted by an older man when I was around 15 and have never told a psychologist or anybody else for that matter (other than C). Once after a fight, C and I were having "make-up sex" and he told me I "needed to be punished" and proceeded to pin me down and slap me. This triggered my previous memories of the sexual assault and I began to cry uncontrollably and ran into the bathroom to throw up. C immediately apologized and hugged me, etc. I'm not sure what his intention was. Time and time again he'd "force" me to have sex even when I didn't want to. I put the quotation marks because he didn't physically make me, but would make me feel extremely guilty and would start a fight every time I refused sex, saying that I didn't care and that he doesn't feel loved. Later on I just stopped saying anything because I didn't want to start a fight. But subconsciously, I began to withdraw even more from C and even came to almost dread having sex with him, even though he was my boyfriend.

Given all these problems, it's probably not a surprise we broke up. In December, he came over and we proceeded to hang out then later had sex. I had sewn a handmade stuffed puppy (because my nickname for him is Puppy) for our anniversary present and was about to give it to him. After we had sex, he told me he was breaking up with me and that the only reason he had sex with me was to see if his feelings were real or if they were just lust. He then proceeded to take the stuffed puppy and stuff it in my trashcan before walking out. I was obviously extremely hurt and shocked, but at the same time oddly relieved that the relationship was over.

Then when my birthday came around in January, he contacted my roommate asking her if she thought it was a good idea for him to take me to a musical as a surprise present. I told her no because C and I had agreed not to contact each other and I was ready to leave that behind me. However C kept contacting me and we ended up talking again, even though we agreed not to get back into a relationship until we could figure out if that was even feasible. We still had sex and hung out, although I made it clear to him that we were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend.

Then recently, I met a new guy, R. R and I went on a couple dates even though I wasn't looking to start another relationship; I just wanted to let loose and catch up on things I've been missing out on for the past year or so. C eventually found out about R and surprisingly was cool about it. C and I hung out and C even joked around about R; C said "If we're meant to be, we'll eventually end up together. In the meantime, you should go out and have your fun." He was very calm and mature about the whole situation.

Then the next week, C stopped contacting me altogether so I asked him what was up. This was when C blew up on me and proceeded to curse me and call me a variety of things, the least of which was that he honestly wished I'd die sad and alone. He also called me a "cheating, evil bitch" although I have never cheated on him (or anybody else for that matter). That's been about 2 weeks ago and to this day, he still proceeds to curse me out or insult me until I'm reduced to tears every time I try to contact him. I know I should just drop it and move on but it's so hard. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I'm putting myself through this torture by asking him for "forgiveness" although deep inside I don't believe that I did anything wrong. All the while C keeps telling me to go "f myself" and that nobody will ever love me or find me valuable as long as I live. The scary thing is I'm starting to believe that I am what he tells me I am, even though I should know better. At this point I don't know who to believe. I asked him why he acted cool with the situation before and C merely said he was trying to make himself feel better. But that shouldn't be an excuse to blow up on me and basically call me the worst things I've ever been called. I don't know what to think anymore and I feel constantly depressed and cry all the time. I feel like I should know better but I don't know how to move on. Please somebody help. Thank you for reading this extremely long post.

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:)

Posts: 93 | From: So Cal | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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I am so sorry you are feeling so bad, Jen. I also hope that this post hasn't been sitting for too long - we are a little short handed right now as some of the volunteers are attending conferences, so it is hard to get to everyone in time.

I do want to encourage you, first of all, to seek some in person help. We are more than happy to talk to you about the things you have brought up here, but we cannot replace in-person help. It sounds like you are in a crisis right now, and if that is the case, now is not the right time to have a big conversation. It's important, first, to get you to a place where you are feeling safe, and where you are in the right headspace to have conversations like these.

If you are feeling suicidal, you need to get in contact with someone who can provide the help you need. If you cannot call a crisis hotline yourself, can you maybe have a friend or relative call for you? Are you receiving any counseling? If so, can you make sure to get in contact with your counselor first thing in the morning? If you do not have counseling, do you have any access to that? Such as a counseling center at your college?

It would also be okay to call a crisis hotline and just say something like "I have social anxiety and I am super freaked out right now, but I need help". The people there are trained to deal with situations like that, so I am sure they would be able to help make you feel a little more comfortable.

So let's make sure, first of all, that you are in a safe place. And then I will gladly talk about the situation concerning C with you.

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-joey
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9010 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
averagejen
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Member # 36400

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Thanks for getting back to me. I called my psychologist this morning and am no longer feeling suicidal but I still feel extremely depressed and lost. I just want to get some outside/objective perspective on my situation at hand. The spring break period for my university is over today and I'm supposed to return to work/school, but I feel so unmotivated and depressed.

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:)

Posts: 93 | From: So Cal | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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I'm glad you called your psychologist. Will you be going in to see them soon?

I can understand feeling unmotivated. depression will do that. Sometimes getting back into a familiar routine, with outside influences can help. I also know that sometimes it just doesn't, so please take that as an observation only.

What kind of plan do you think you can make to get through the next day or two?

How can we be helpful to you here?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
averagejen
Activist
Member # 36400

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I'm just going to try to go through classes and work. I don't really have a choice otherwise haha. I see my psychologist every week. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here. I guess I just need somebody to talk to and an outside perspective on my situation with C that I described above.

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:)

Posts: 93 | From: So Cal | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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