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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » Worried! Do I have a risk of being pregnant?

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Author Topic: Worried! Do I have a risk of being pregnant?
Alyss
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I already texted in but I'm extremely worried.I feel so dumb for letting this happen too but my boyfriend and I fooled around yesterday and my pants and underwear were off. He pulled down his pants and boxers and we humped a little. His penis wasn't touching my vulva though it was more on top and when he ejaculated it was on my stomach and leg, not near my vagina or vulva at all.
I tend to worry about all situations and this one is really worrying me. We never had sex and he didn't come inside of me. Not even precome was near my opening or vulva but I just want to make sure. I had my last period on April 1st and this event happened on April 10th. I've asked close friends and they tell me I'm fine but I need some one else like someone on this website to reassure me.
Thank you in advance!

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Heather
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So, you had direct genital-to-genital contact while you were doing that? No clothing on in between?

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Alyss
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yes but the tip of the penis wasnt near my vagina, it was resting above it, i would have felt it slip between my legs.
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Heather
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So, in that case, the STI risks were likely higher than the pregnancy risks.

And in terms of the possible pregnancy risk, if your partner did not ejaculate, then based on estimates for withdrawal -- which is basically direct genital contact without ejaculation -- you can know that the pregnancy risk was likely no higher than 4% and probably even smaller than that, since that's an estimate in a year of withdrawal. But we can't ever say there was no risk at all when there has been direct vulva-to-penis contact, because there always may be some level of risk.

But that said, if you do not want to become pregnant or take big risks of STIs, you'll want to avoid contact like this or, if you're going to engage in it, only do so when at least using condoms. have you been able to set that limit with your partner for anything like this from here on out?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alyss
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So based on this you don't think I have a high risk? because I've been stressing myself out so much over this and i know when he did ejaculate it was on my stomach and leg and no where near the vagina or vulva. And when the humping happened his penis was more between our stomachs and didnt fall between my legs near the vagina or vulva. I just need to know I can relax and not freak out. I'm a teenager and I don't think being sexually active is a bad thing but my mother found out I was sexually active with a previous boyfriend and gave me a whole discussion that made me feel a little weary and ashamed about sex. And I'm trying to avoid confronting her with this situation because I don't want her to be ashamed of me. Because of that as well I want to kind of step back and not put myself at risk. And as for STIs i've only ever been sexually active with one other person (previous boyfriend) and I was his first and he was mine (we didnt have sex but we fooled around) And for my current boyfriend I am his first as well in terms of fooling around. I have talked to him about this and we decided not to let ourselves get carried away like that again. We were going to limit ourselves to situations where pregnancy is not a risk. And if later on we change our minds we would use condoms.
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Heather
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Hey, I want to say a little more about this, but I want to make sure, given your last experience talking to someone about sex, that you can read what I'm going to say knowing I don't thin anyone has anything to be ashamed of when it comes to consensual, mutually wanted sex, okay?

So, here's a few things:

• It does sound like you could use a little more education around STIs. If you are the only person your current partner has, truly, ever had ANY kind of sexual contact with, then your risks are low. Not none, but very low. However, you have had a partner before so your partners risks from you are higher. So, if you haven't used condoms for direct genital contact before this, and either of you haven't been tested recently, now might be a good time to start, okay?

• What poses risks of pregnancy are either direct penis-to-vulva contact and/or ejaculation unto the genitals. Without ejaculation, those risks are a LOT lower, but doing something like having only part of a penis on your vulva doesn't mean you've got no risks. But it sounds like in this case, your risk was likely very low, and if you're 110% that none of his fluids wound up anywhere near your genitals, you can be pretty sure you probably didn't have one. But if you're not comfortable just leaving that, know that Plan B is also always an option.

Okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alyss
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Thank you so much. I'll definitely speak to him about a lot of this and as for plan B where can I buy it? I'm entirely certain none of the fluids ended up near my vagina and vulva but it might make me feel a lot safer to give plan B a try. But If I don't decide to try plan B do you think based on all of the circumstances I'll be okay?

And I like the feeling sex gives me (fooling around) i feel closer to my boyfriend that way and it just feels good but the issue with my mother has definitely made me wearier. It's given me a more sour image of sex and the idea that one has to be older to enjoy it and have the right to it. It might just be her bias perspective because she is my mother and probably didn't want to learn facts like this about me but since then when I first started being sexually active with my current boyfriend I felt slightly guilty like I was letting my mother down. Even though I knew that wasn't really the case and up until this point (which was definitely a wake up call and I'll learn a lot from it) I was careful.
thank you again for all of your help!

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Heather
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I think that if things are as you described, Plan B would be more for your peace of mind than anything. In terms of where to get it, are you over or under 17?

And if you want to talk about how you're feeling about sex in terms of the exchange you and your mother had, happy to talk about that. For sure, a LOT of parents and teens wind up having not-the-best-talks ever about sex, especially if and when the first time they do talk is way late in the game. It can also be hard for parents to have these talks well in a lot of ways, just like it can be for young people to talk to parents about sex. That's the case for a lot of reasons, but one biggie is not just because you're their child -- even when you aren't a kid anymore -- but because whatever their own feelings about and history with sex and sexuality have been also often have a very strong influence.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alyss
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I'm over the age of seventeen, only by a little though. I just turned seventeen on the eighth. I don't know when I'd be able to go out and buy Plan B though and it needs to be within 120 hours of the event, right? A part of me believes I'm fine but the hypochondriac part of me wants the immediate proof and since my period isn't expected until around the 29th Plan B is the immediate choice.

But that is true. Her history with sex could be drastically different and have given her this view point. I think she sees sex as a huge deal (which it is definitely, I'm not trying to downgrade it at ALL) but I feel if you're with a person you love and trust sex is good. Sex is a way to become closer to someone and show how you feel. I also think about the double standard of men and women as well.

Men seem like they can sleep with/fool around with as many women as they want and their image is actually IMPROVED by it while with women it is just the opposite. I feel like the societal view also played a part in my mom's point of view. Cause at that moment I was thinking, "If i were a teenaged boy this conversation would be drastically different"

I also think it came as a shock to her and her shock reaction fueled the speach. I was taking a risk when I was with my ex (I was fifteen) and when we would fool around it would be in my basement and people could have walked down (it was EXTREMELY dumb...I know) and that most definitely also caused her to freak out.
But I feel as teenagers we have the ability to explore our sexualities and if it is done in a safe way then there shouldn't be anything taboo about it at all.

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Heather
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If you're over 17, you can get Plan B over the counter at a pharmacy: you don't need a prescription. You just need to go to the pharmacy counter and ask for it. I'd try to just think about what you'd feel better about. I'd try and avoid putting value judgments on yourself about using it or not using it. This is about whatever it is you feel you need and think you'd feel best about, that's all.

I'd steer away from the kind of gender generalizations you're making. While I agree that it can seem that way, and so much of the world often presents it that simplistically, it's often not that simplistic nor does it have that kind of clear divide, you know?

But yes, for sure, very few people react well to anything when they're shocked or surprised. It's not exactly the best foundation for good conversations about tough subjects. [Smile]

Was that the last/only time you talked with your Mom about sex? If it was, do you feel like you'd like to try and talk about it together again soon, or like you'd be more comfortable not trying to talk for now?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alyss
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I just looked at the side effects of Plan B and I don't know if I'd want to risk it. I'm scared TO use it and go buy it.But theres also the small small chance of pregnancy but realistically the chance is super tiny. He didn't ejaculate on the vulva or vagina and the contact with the head of the penis and the vulva was pretty much non existant. I'm really unsure of which route to take (because Plan B also messes with the menstual cycle and sneaking out to buy it and the chance of my mom discovering it wouldn't be good.)

It was the last time and first time I talked to her about sex. In retrospect it was an awful first time to discuss it given the situation...and I wish i thought to talk to her about it BEFORE I became sexually active again so I wouldn't have to dance around the subject of me being sexual. But how do you think I should approach it? (I'm leaning towards not talking about it just yet)

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Heather
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It really is your call with the Plan B. In terms of side effects, when pregnancy is a real risk, we usually remind people that being pregnant has way bigger ones, and also that medications like this have been tested well and are known to be safe.

But I can't tell you what to do here: I can just reiterate that while there may have been some risk, it sounds like if there was, it was likely a very small one. Only you can make these choices from there.

I'm about to head off from work for the day, but if you like, I'd be happy to continue this conversation with you tomorrow about how you might try and resume communication with your mother about sex and sexuality. We can certainly go over some possible approaches and some tips to make it much more likely to go WAY better than last time.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alyss
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I'm leaning more towards not taking the Plan B because the risk was extremely small and I didn't HAVE intercourse and fluid didn't get in or near the vulva. I think I'm just talking myself into a panic.

Thank you so so SO much for all of your help though. It made me feel a lot better and I'd love to continue the conversation because I really want to find a way to communicate with my mom about this topic without feeling the dirtiness and insecurity I felt the last time we discussed it.

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Heather
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So, absolutely no conversation about sex at all has happened since that last time?

Can you fill me in about that a bit more? Did you two ever have any conversations about that conversation? How has your relationship been since? Do you feel like you resolved upset about it on either of your parts in the meantime? If so, how?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alyss
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not really, I get the feeling that she doesnt really want to know and I'm scared to talk to her about it because I'm worried about how she'll look at me. She told me during the previous conversation that she'd love me no matter what and I think most of the negative aspects were out of shock.
The day after the conversation she tried to talk to me about it a little just asking if sex was a reason my ex and I were a little off relationship wise (we ended up breaking up a few months later-he just wasnt right for me) But other than that we didn't talk about it at all.

ps. I didn't mention that I'm still a virgin above and I've never had sex so does that make my risk even lower? Because I did decide to not take the plan B and when I kind of thought about this situation rationally I realized I was worried about being pregnant but I was still a virgin.
Essecially I was worried I would be the virgin mother...ahaha I'm still a little shaky but based on what I described and the fact that its near impossible that anything got around my vagina let alone in it (plus it would have to pass the walls of the vagina and get into the curvix to even stand a CHANCE)
the more I think of it like this the less likely it is. But honestly after this I think I might respect my period more...

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Alyss
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and as for the relationship with my mom, we are close, I tell her a lot of what I go through school wise, friend wise and some aspects of my relationship with my boyfriend but I feel like the sex issue kind of put a wall between us and I'm worried of what will happen if I tell her again.
Sometimes I feel like a little kid who did something wrong and is worried her mother will find out, you know?

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Heather
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Taking care of your question about your risk first, I'm not sure what you mean when you mention you're still a virgin. What matters with risks is if someone has or has not done the kind of activity that presents those risks. As I've explained, direct genital-to-genital contact between a penis and a vulva presents STI risks and risks of pregnancy.

So, with your Mom, I'm thinking that maybe the best thing to try is even just to try and resolve some of that last conversation and try building this kind of communication anew.

In other words, how about initiating a talk with her where you start it by saying that you have felt really uncomfortable that the first and only talk you two had about sex was that one time, and even that one went so badly for both of you, and left a lot of feelings on your part unresolved. You can express that you want to talk about that because you'd like to try and rebuild communication around this so that someday you two CAN talk about sex again.

That way, you don't have to disclose anything new right away, and if she asks about it, you can say that what you'd rather do is just try and build up from the bottom again in a way you feel safest about, where you talk more generally, since last time left you feeling very scared and freaked out about sharing things with her.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alyss
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I've never engaged in intercourse before and am still a virgin in that sense and the contact with penis and vulva was minimal and the ejaculation was done away from that area, I just want to be sure that my risk is low cause based on what i described it sounds almost impossible

and I think thats a good way to approach it but I know my mom and I think she'll worry about why I wanted to talk about it and worry about what I have done and I don't want to worry her.

I'm sorry this is all stressing me out. :\

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Heather
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Honestly, the answers I gave you yesterday are going to be the answers. What kinds of sex you have or haven't done before don't change them. I know you want me to say that pregnancy would be almost impossible for you, that's clear, but I'm afraid I just can't responsibly say that when a) someone has had the kind of contact that poses that risk and b) did not use any form of contraception when they did.

I'm sorry I can't give you the answer I want, it's just that if I did, I'd be being pretty unethical and irresponsible when it comes to my job here.

With your Mom, one thing you can do if she does come back worried is to tell her that right now, what you're worried about, is the fact that you two don't communicate at all about this, and that's what you need her to also be concerned with at this time.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alyss
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I know and I appreciate your honesty. I think I'm blowing the answers you give me out of proportion because you've been saying there is a risk but its extremely minimal. I know it's more unlikely than likely but I've just been stressing so much over it.

And thank you for the help with how to discuss this with my mom. I think I'll bring up the topic to her tonight just to get it out in the open.

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Heather
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Believe me, there are many times I'd love to just tell people what they want to hear. I'm sorry I can't, and sorry you're freaking. But again yes: can't say there was no risk, but like I said, it sounds like it was very low if there was one (when it comes to pregnancy: STIs, different issue).

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alyss
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Thank you. I'm not really sure what to do with myself now. I didn't take the Plan B because I knew the risk was extremely small but I know I'll still worry until I get my period or decide to/am able to take a pregnancy test.

As for the STI issue I'll take that more into consideration as well. From this I'll learn to be entirely more careful.

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Heather
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I've no doubt this will sound trite, but the truth is that this, too, shall pass. Sure, when we're having a pregnancy scare time can seem to drag on, but sure enough, that time will pass and you'll be past this.

In the meantime, my best advice is to remember that worrying doesn't change anything or fix anything (and is crap for everyone's health and well-being). This might be a great couple of weeks to really immerse yourself in your life and get lost in the things you love, enjoy and want to give your time and energy to. That tends to make time go faster, and makes it harder to focus on something like this.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Alyss
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It does sound extremely trite but its entirely true XD. I guess I get my worrying from my mother but I should follow this advice and because of all of this I think I will start to talk to my mom about the issues of sex and sexuallity. I want to be able to turn to her in situations like this and not feel like I should be ashamed.

Thank you for all of your help! I know I'll be okay

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Heather
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You're welcome.

And hey! You had a great sentence in there I think should be part of your opening to this talk with her. That was (and I edited it so you don't have to disclose this if you don't want to):

"I want to be able to turn to her and not feel like I should be ashamed."

Honestly, I think that right there, you expressing that you want to count on your mother is something any caring mother is going to care a whole lot about.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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