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Author Topic: I'm so terrified
GreenHouse12
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I've been reassured countless times- by professions such as yourselves, and by several HPT's. Yet, I feel like I have a psychological problem. I'm so terrified, and scared, and I feel so UNEDUCATED.

I've read everything on your site. Simply everything. The dry sex assessment, as well as the pregnancy symptoms for the freakout soul, yet, despite the fact that I've read them, I still feel awful...and pregnant...

When I convince myself I'm not pregnant, I feel happier, lighter, like I can go on with my life. However, moments later, I'll feel a twinge of pain in my boob, or my cervical mucus will suddenly decide to increase in consistency and wetness (that I'm not used to at all), or my stomach will suddenly cramp up, and all the fear and anxiety that I've put away, comes rushing back with a hateful fury. I don't know what to do. Other than panic myself, and sit in my shower and cry until the feeling passes.

I'm well aware there are others on this site that need your consultation more than me. After all, there are those that get raped, those that are contemplating abortion, etc. But I feel like I need so much advice right now, because Google isn't cutting it out for me anymore.

I engaged in dry sex/humping with my boyfriend well over a month ago. I really hope no one is rolling their eyes at my immaturity, and lack of knowledge. I'm just...so scared. We kept both of our underwear on. I was in my panties, and he was in his boxers. The activity itself didn't last very long- and there was no penetration or ejaculation. There was just genital rubbing with the two layers of material still on.

I know the simple answer would be to go get a blood test, and rest easy after that. But, I can't. Right now, it's too expensive for me.

The reason this is so difficult for me is because I come from a very conservative background. I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend. I'm not allowed to kiss. A simple hug is looked so down upon. My background is very different from so many Americans. I simply cannot speak to my parents. If I were to admit I had a boyfriend (now together for over a year and a 1/2), I would truly, 100% be sent to our home country, where I will be put into an arranged marriage to someone older than me, and I will be looked upon in a bad way for spitting on the family name. I wish I lived in a household with an understanding family, willing to talk to me. But I don't, which is why I'm coming here- for some kind of help- a conversation, advice, reassurance, just an expert to talk to me calmly, not like I'm an idiot, and take me seriously without shunning me. I truly hope I can confide in this site with confidence in the future- not like the wimp I am being right now- crying over something so miniscule when compared to someone who was raped or had a truly traumatic experience.

I hope you can see why my worries are so attached to me. Countless times I have tried convincing myself that I feel this way because this is the farthest I was prepared to go with my boyfriend, and the guilt for almost..betraying, i would say, my parents was settling in. Or maybe it's because AFTER the event I brushed up on the risks that are accompanied by pre-cum, and fluids mixing, etc. And that's when the fear settled in.

Should I really just leave this all behind, and rest easy? I've been trying for a month now. I can simply go a couple of hours without feeling like I have something growing inside of me. Otherwise, I'll feel pain in my back, or sides, or my head will hurt, and to top it off, I'll feel so overwhelmed by my mood-swings, that I simply crawl under a blanket and hibernate the afternoon away, worrying my mom with my lack of eating, and lack of life.

I'm so so sorry this is so long. I just feel like I have so much to express, and let out.

Around 4-5 weeks after this incident, I tried to check my cervix (I know, it's not advised if you haven't been tracking it for months). My vagina was really dry- it actually hurt to stick my finger in, and after a couple of attempts of trying to shove my finger up there, I stopped. The next day, I went to the bathroom and saw this one simple little clump of brownish-whitish discharge (but when rubbed on to toilet paper it was simply pink). When I put my finger up my vagina to check if something was wrong (by that day, I was simply very lubricated), I drew my finger out, and there was trace amounts of light pink blood on my finger after wiping. I got scared. I read about implantation, etc. However, could it have simply been that I cut/applied too much friction to myself when trying to stick my finger in my vagina the previous night? I know you can't do a diagnosis over the internet, but does that sound more likely than implantation? Lately, my mucus (I simply rub my finger around my vaginal lips or area to get an idea) is very watery, and I just feel so...wet down there.

I've scared my boyfriend with my fears. I've worried my best friend. I just don't know how to let go of all the anxiety and fear. Like I mentioned, one moment I'm fine. And then some very severe pain will hit. Or I'll look a little too bloated, or I'll smell something from what seems like such a long distance away that no one else can even detect, and it'll set me off. [Confused]

My periods are....non-existent, really. I'm being checked out. I simply go about 100 days without a period. But I don't know if I ovulate.

Theoretically, I know anything regarding anything sex is not 100% fool proof. But I just want a general idea of my risk. Is it safe to say 0% despite everything I'm feeling?

I'm so sick and tired of feeling lifeless. And I'm sorry this keeps going on and on. I just want to stop being scared...and I don't know how to stop it.

If you read this, and decide to talk to me, please, I would appreciate not being judged. So many other sites gave me responses like, "LOL. You're so stupid." or, "You're the reason America is so clueless and why taxpayers are paying for your teenage pregnancies."

It's truly not my fault for being so uneducated on this matter. My background, my customs, and my school don't offer sex advice. Google is very unreliable, and I don't know any funded sites with experts (besides this one that I stumbled upon) that are simply free to help teenagers such as myself.

Thank you so much. I just feel very vulnerable right now, paranoid, and worried sick. I'm afraid if I continue this I'll keep buying HPT's, I'll keep wasting money, I'll keep being unconvinced until it's week 40, and I haven't gone into labor. I know that sounds ridiculous. But without any help or someone to talk to reasonably, and understanding, I panic.


I hope this doesn't come off childish [Confused]

Sincerly yours,
Dreema

P.S. Sorry for this lengthy message.

[ 08-06-2009, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: GreenHouse12 ]

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Heather
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Dreema: I am so sorry other sites responded to you that way. I seriously hope they were NOT other reputable sex information and education sites like ours.

I agree: it's not your fault or anyone's fault for not having been given information and support. It's intensely ignorant for anyone to suggest that, IMO.

So, let's do our best here, even though I'm not sure how much we'll be able to help since the articles and such are not. However, I'm totally down with giving it a try. [Smile]

First things first: I think a lot of women -- heck, people -- are often not very observant about their bodies or in touch with them. And I've found it's very common for people to suddenly get HYPER observant either once they become sexually active and/or if they are worried about pregnancy or infection. But the thing is, even when none of those things are going on, our bodies have their own patterns and cycles, and many some with symptoms. For instance, some women, or some sometimes, feel ovulation twinges or cramping. Many women feel breast changes with the changes in their hormone levels during certain parts of their fertility cycles. If we pay attention, we'll also see all kind of fluctuations in our mucus and cervixes.

As well, worry -- stress -- can carry its own symptoms.

I don't actually see a need for a blood test: EPTs, especially this far after a risk, are very nearly as accurate. Most doctor's offices do urine tests, anyway, and if they're unconvinced those are right, do an ultrasound instead. And my guess is that little bit of blood you found per your cervix was either due to ovulation -- that can happen sometimes -- or to having a tender cervix. I really, truly do not see a need for concern about pregnancy or more tests: a pregnancy from that activity just is not at all likely with two layers of fabric between.

That's a lot of really heavy stuff to have hanging over your head, though, so I certainly get why this is all so scary for you.

That all said: does that help at all? If it does NOT, we can talk more if you like. I'm also glad to talk with you about managing the stress you're feeling over everything you have talked about here, and to help with any other questions you might have, okay?

P.S. There's nothing immature about frottage -- AKA, dry humping -- if that's what you meant by that comment. Lots of people of every age enjoy that sexual activity.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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GreenHouse12
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Yes, Heather, it did help a bit to hear/read that.
No, it wasn't another sex information site with experts (Although, I did send my question to Sex, etc. two nights ago, and I have to see it appear on the forums such as this). It was random sites found through Google, where I would ask random people, and get responses like that.

You're right. Stress can do...awful things to you. I simply had no appetite to eat. The sight of food repulsed me because the anxiety that was just sitting in my stomach, making me feel so sick. I've lost...so much weight. And I can't put it back on. I feel like the moment I decide, "Oh, you're not pregnant." and try to have fun, my belly will decide to grow, my breasts will really start to hurt, and I'll start throwing up, and soon enough see two pink lines instead of just one. So I keep myself in misery- afraid to live my life to the fullest. Despite several negatives, I keep doubting. I just...don't know how to brush off the feeling.

For so long, I strived to impress my family, live up the expectations that they wanted me to- a very good, religious girl. This scare probably came from the fact that for once, I made the decision to have a little bit of relief with my boyfriend. So I engaged in dry humping- in what I believed at the time to be a safe manner.
As crazy as this sounds, I randomly woke up one morning (almost a month after my boyfriend and I engaged in the activity), and quite honestly- one of the first, random thoughts I had was, "You're Pregnant." Like...I had no reason to believe so. My period wasn't due. My breasts did not hurt. I didn't feel any different. Yet, my mind somehow randomly said to me, "You're Pregnant." At first, I brushed it off. In fact, I kind of laughed at myself. But then the thought just kept sitting there, dwelling in my mind. Day in, and day out- up to this very moment, the feeling just...grew, and grew.

When I asked or looked up similar situations to my own online, most of the answers would be, "Crazy things have been known to happen..." Which, in return, made me think I was one of those rare one's that was going to get punished (not that a pregnancy is something to be looked at like a punishment. But in my situation, my age, my religion, for something like that to occur...Well, truthfully, stoning in my country, as well as surrounding countries, is 100% legal, and if anyone outside the family found out a girl was pregnant- it wouldn't even be up to her family to stone her to death. I wish I was being extreme, or overly dramatic. But this is the life many people I know live. This is what I call the "norm.") for trying to have safe fun, with someone I am so completely in love with.

Yes, I have been HYPER observant of my body lately. Since July, there hasn't been a day where I don't sneak a peek at my boobs to see if a sudden vein is showing more, or if the areolas have darkened, or if my panties held more discharge, or spotting. I've been looking at my belly more. I never thought I looked so bloated, or rounded.

The stress and the anxiety, and the fear...are taking over my life. I can't have fun with my cousins, I can't laugh with my family the way I want to without feeling a wave of guilt or shame, and then I'll have to excuse myself to go cry because I don't feel worthy enough to be there with them- I feel dirty, and like I abused the religion, as well as my relationship with my mother, and father. When I hug one of them, I feel like I'm giving them a hug as an apology.

This scare is making me fear that I'll never be able to be as close with my boyfriend. I don't know how many days I spent shedding tears over this. But its just about been every day.

I know I'm abusing my body with my stress. I'm so well aware, but I don't know how to relieve it. I'm slowly, so slowly, dehydrating myself. Why? Because I'm afraid to frequently urinate- yet making me fear another symptom of pregnancy. I'm afraid to eat too much. Why? I'm afraid I'll just keep getting hungry despite full meals, yet making fear another symptom of pregnancy. But even if I haven't eaten, I still see my belly being slightly rounded- more than what I was ever used to seeing. Despite the fact that I weigh in at 89 pounds, at such a short height of 5'1 and 3/4ths, and everyone keeps telling me I need to eat.

Heather, I really don't know how to stop my stress, my fears, and this feeling that I managed to be that one in a few thousand to conceive through two layers of clothing...I just... I don't even know. It's like my body is addicted to the stress, and the anxiety. Even when I cry, I feel like I'm expressing a pregnancy symptom for being emotional with my mood-swings. One moment, I'm fine. The next, I'm taking a fourth shower to let out some more sobs.

Thank you so much for listening to me. Most of these thoughts have been in my head for so long. I really just needed someone to listen. After awhile, my best friend started to laugh at my assumptions. My boyfriend poked a little bit of fun, after a few weeks. It didn't help me one bit. It made things worse. On top of thinking I was pregnant, I felt like the world's biggest idiot, the world's worst daughter, and the world's worst sister because I can't look at my sister without thinking, "Don't end up like me."

My family truly loves, and cares about me. My mom is worried. My dad is worried. They view me as a precious angel.
What I'm most worried about is that I got false negatives. My first option was that if a pregnancy was detected, I would be able to pay for an early abortion, without any parental consent whatsoever. But since I kept thinking I had false negatives, I kept taking test after test wondering if I should trust the results at all. I'm terrified of being pregnant, not knowing it, and for it to be too late and too expensive to be able to afford an abortion. If something like a pregnancy occurred...I just don't want to imagine their reactions.

I really just thought I was having some innocent fun with my boyfriend. I didn't believe or think it was a risk at the time.

I wasn't saying dry humping was immature. I was saying that I felt childish for being so ignorant. Thank you for listening to me, Heather.


Sincerely yours,
-Dreema

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Heather
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quote:
For so long, I strived to impress my family, live up the expectations that they wanted me to- a very good, religious girl. This scare probably came from the fact that for once, I made the decision to have a little bit of relief with my boyfriend.
This is very personal on my part, and might sound incredibly strange, but you're sounding a lot like my mother.

In a word, the one time my mother -- who, from what I can tell from you, was raised a lot like you have been -- let loose, "broke the rules" and did things her family did not approve of, she had some very rough consequences (which included her becoming pregnant with me). And I have to tell you, that her deciding those outcomes were because she wasn't a "good girl" REALLY messed her up.

I don't tell you this because I think you, like my mother, became pregnant, I say this because it's one way of my trying to say that I think it's SO important not to internalize things like this, even though I know it's hard. It really can mess up your whole life to take in all that guilt or shame, as well as to kind of sign unto other people's rules and ideals for you being the "right" ones, rather than what YOU decide you want and need for you, okay?

And if it helps? I trust each of us to discover what's best for us, have our own journeys, and don't think there is any one, solid way to be "good." More to the point, I think the idea that people expressing love physically and mutually, with care and compassion is somehow "bad" is really problematic, and often more about a desire to control people than anything else. In other words, I think you're good. I hope you can get back to that way of thinking, too.

I just said it somewhere else here this week, but I deeply dislike places like Google or Yahoo answers. people can be very curel there, and those folks also have zero accountability: they aren't posting with names, they don't have professional reputations to be concerned with, and the information is so often inaccurate or misleading. As well, doing too much research on pregnancy can tend to make anyone nuts. Nearly any symptom we have in the body can potentially be attributed to pregnancy, you know? I want to make sure you've seen this: Chicken Soup for the Pregnancy Symptom Freakout's Soul.

You talk about abusing your religion: is your religion important to you, for you? I mean, is it YOUR belief system, not just that of your parents? If it's your belief system too, and of a lot of value to you, one thing I might suggest is that you might feel better talking to a leader in whatever that religion is. For sure, some are heavy with the judgment, but my impression is that that is more the exception than the rule, and in most of the world's religions, religious leaders want to alleviate the suffering of those they lead and guide.

One thing you might want to consider, since you're saying abortion would be your choice with a pregnancy now, is going ahead and going to a clinic for a test. Most AB clinics offer pregnancy tests for free, and what most also have are counseling services available as well. So, if you got another negative there, but still felt like this, you could probably also talk to someone in person, at no cost to you. If that's something you're interested in, I can help you find a local clinic with a zip code of where you are.

I want to say one last time that I am pretty darn sure you are not pregnant, but given the context of all of this, can get why you feel so clearly that you are. Guilt and shame have a lot of power when you give them a lot of power, and if someone is of a mind that they have broken the rules and deserve an unwanted outcome, it's pretty easy for them to convince themselves they are having that outcome. You might even feel, in some way, like you NEED to have that outcome to "pay" for what you did. I disagree with that (and also don't see pregnancy as punishment), but how I or you feel about that intellectually doesn't alter what you may be feeling emotionally.

That said, it seems to me like the larger issue, beyond being as sure as you can with tests you are not pregnant, is probably for you to forgive yourself. Again, I don't think you have anything to be forgiven FOR, but if you do -- and it sounds like you do -- then I'd start doing all you can to put some energy into that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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jilly bean13
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hey greenhouse12 I just wanted to add something in here in a response to your situation. I know how you feel with that guilty feeling.I come from a pretty sctrict Christian home and I remember the first time I started delve into anything sexual at all I imediatly felt scared and guilty. Not so much guilty as scared though. I always used to think if I was not part of such a conservative family I would be fine with what I was doing.
I remeber the first time I had sex I thought imediatly that God would discipline me by giving me aids or some kind of std or something.
It sounds like you love your family very much and you don't want to hurt them and you want them to be proud of you. But sex is part of life and it is not a bad thing our bodies are designed to have sexual desires.You are a good person and your family should love you no matter what you do even if you were a "bad child" they should still love you.
I really agree with what Heather said here!

You talk about abusing your religion: is your religion important to you, for you? I mean, is it YOUR belief system, not just that of your parents?
Coming from a conservative Christian home that is all I knew my whole life so its not liked I learned anything else besides what my parents told me and what I learned in church. I realized that I had been shoved into this tiny box and was so blinded I could not get out. My parents pretty much chose for me what I was going to believe. I think we should all have a CHOICE to believe what we want. Now that I am living on my own I am not being forced into religion. Now I am not completely turned off to it but I would like to now figure out and study out different things rather then just be told what to believe and this time choose what I really believe.
Oh and do not feel bad about not knowing things about sex and sexual education. I did not know anything either when I was growing up and I was always taught not to have sex until you get married so no one ever felt like they should have told me anything.I kinda ended up learning as i went along in life. I don't suggest that though you should deefinately make sure you know more about your body and sex.Thank goodness for this forum eh? [Smile] I have even read about information in different books and also asking a doctor could also be helpful.
I hope that you will learn to accept that you are a good person honey! I hope everything works out for you!

--------------------
live and let live

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GreenHouse12
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Thank you so much, Heather. Really. Reading that made me feel like I wasn't alone in this world, and that I should go on with my life.

Yes, I am very interested in a clinic that will offer me a test for free, as well as a little bit of counseling. I think I really need it. I'm not sure how you would like me to tell you my zipcode, but let me know, and I'll somehow give it to you. I'm simply afraid of spending more money- eventually my parents will start asking questions.


quote:
I want to say one last time that I am pretty darn sure you are not pregnant, but given the context of all of this, can get why you feel so clearly that you are. Guilt and shame have a lot of power when you give them a lot of power, and if someone is of a mind that they have broken the rules and deserve an unwanted outcome, it's pretty easy for them to convince themselves they are having that outcome. You might even feel, in some way, like you NEED to have that outcome to "pay" for what you did. I disagree with that (and also don't see pregnancy as punishment), but how I or you feel about that intellectually doesn't alter what you may be feeling emotionally.

That made me extremely emotional because I was finally reading the truth. Thank you. In more ways than one, I feel like I have to "pay" for what I did. Like, I won't be satisfied unless I see a positive, because that's what I expected.

I guess I need a little help learning to forgive myself. And if I somehow get a place with free counseling, I'll take advantage of it. Thanks so much, Heather. I don't know how many times I can thank you, but you helped me. It took a lot to express everything I was feeling, and this site made me comfortable.


Thanks jilly bean. Yes, I love my religion, I really do. I think my religion is about knowledge, and loving your family. I believe in 90% of its policies. However, I believe I should be able to trust my instincts when it comes to guys. I can take care of myself, and I know what's best for me when it comes to wanting to be cared for. And since choosing my boyfriend, I don't think I could have found someone better. We've been together for a year and 1/2, and I'm simply head over heels, and I trust him with so much. I don't see anything going wrong just yet. I want to be allowed to fall in love- outside of marriage. My religion emphasizes love. I just don't understand how that can happen with a marriage that was more than likely arranged, with a complete stranger. It's the one thing..I just don't agree with. My boyfriend loves me like no other, and he cares for me. And I plan on sticking it out with him. And when the time comes, telling my parents that it's him or nothing. If they love me, and care for what I want, they'll understand.

But my fear of pregnancy is plaguing my life. I've become irritable towards my boyfriend, towards my family, and just about everyone else in my life.
I want to take what Heather said: that I really, and truly have NO chance of conceiving through what my boyfriend and I did, and start saying it to myself...I don't know if it will help aleve my fears. But I really hope it will.

[ 08-07-2009, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: GreenHouse12 ]

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Heather
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You're so much more than welcome. I'm very, very glad I could help.

You can leave your zip code here in your post, or email it to me using the "contact us" link at the bottom of the page, whichever you'd like.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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GreenHouse12
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I e-mailed you the zipcode.
Thank you in advance.
Please, let me know through here if you found anything. I'm really grateful. Thank you.

Sincerely yours,
Dreema.

[ 08-07-2009, 02:10 PM: Message edited by: GreenHouse12 ]

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GreenHouse12
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I just want to add- I was doing fine. So fine. Until I decided to find out why my stomach was feeling 'bubbly', and it has been for several days. So much gurgling, so much movement- sure, it feels like gas, but I'm not letting that gas out as a burp or as flatulance.
So I read that it could be "activities within the uterus." It happens around my belly button.

I'm so lost. =/
_______

I'm sorry for that freak-post. I just took a couple of minutes to cool down. Ignore it. I'm so sorry.

[ 08-07-2009, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: GreenHouse12 ]

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Heather
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Did you get the email I sent you earlier?

Given the timing, even if you HAD become pregnant, you'd certainly not have fetal movement at this stage. But like we've discussed, my sense is that facts and logic aren't going to have much of a chance here until you see what you can't do when it comes to processing your emotional feelings and your guilt around all of this.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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GreenHouse12
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Yes, I did. Thank you. My best friend is going to help me make the call to that private, independent facility that you found me. It looks amazing. Thanks again, Heather. I really do need to get my life into shape again.

Yes, I realized the timing and everything, and also realized that I've been eating quite a lot of bread and cheese to aid me in gaining weight, and that can cause a lot of intestinal gas movement. I just need to look at things logically, and I just need a little bit of help doing that- which is why I hope that independent facility will help me.

I can't thank you enough. I'm sure if I have further questions, I'll come straight here.
I feel like I owe so much for all the time you took to help me collect my thoughts, and calm me down a little bit.

Sincerely yours,
Dreema

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GreenHouse12
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Hello. I'm sorry if double-posting isn't allowed. I guess I have one more question-

Is it possible I'm having a phantom pregnancy- that I've freaked myself out so much, that my body is secreting prolactin and making me believe I'm having symptoms?
I discovered the term a little bit ago, and it seems to fit what's been going on with me.
Apparently, a phantom pregnancy (if you desire it or fear it enough) can make you feel sick, make your boobs hurt, cause secretions, give you headaches, and make your abdominal area expand- which has all happened to me- despite all the negatives.

Anyways, I thought I would give you a tiny update, Heather. I was given a depression and anxiety test- and the results I got back were-"Severe depression" and "Severe anxiety", and it was all from the 2 months of freaking out.

Truthfully, I hope I'm having a phantom pregnancy. My best friend, and my mind, are trying to convince me not to get blood work done because it'll be a waste of money. Typically, I know that it varies from Planned Parenthood to Planned Parenthood, but in general, if a teenager requests blood work, has no income, and is below 18- would/should the price go down? I keep hearing blood work is around 60 dollars. I'm afraid to call because I have no private time to myself in my home. Saying "I would like to know how much I would have to pay for a blood pregnancy test" would be heard by everyone in my house."

Thank you, once more.

Sincerely yours,
Dreema

[ 08-09-2009, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: GreenHouse12 ]

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Heather
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A pregnancy test at Planned Parenthood is usually free, full-stop. same with at that other clinic I suggested for you. And I do think you having a healthcare professional do a test would be of value to you. Even if it does cost you something (and if it's more than $20, if anything, I'll be surprised) I, personally, think it would be worth that for you.

You don't have to call, either, to find out what it might cost you: just go in.

Psychosomatic pregnancy symptoms can happen and do happen. And yep, when it does, you really can feel as if you are pregnant.

It does also sound like you might benefit from some general counseling and healthcare for any depression or anxiety, not just around this. If you like, I can also help you see if there aren't any free or sliding-scale general counseling service sin your area. Knowing where you're originally from might also help with that: in urban areas, there are often extra services for some immigrants, and they can be seriously amazing sometimes.

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GreenHouse12
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Okay. I believe I'll just go to the Planned Parenthood near my place. Hopefully, the price won't break the bank of the little money I possess. I guess I just needed to hear that I could be freaking myself out into thinking I was pregnant.

I'm actually not an immigrant. My family (my parents), however, are immigrants. I come from the Middle East, and they have made sure that it feels like I was born and raised there.

First, I'm going to see what happens at the Planned Parenthood I'm going to pay a visit to. I'll make sure to ask if they offer a brief couseling session with me. If not, I will definitely come here, and take up your offer. Thank you, Heather.

[ 08-09-2009, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: GreenHouse12 ]

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Heather
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What country is your family from, Dreema? There are some AMAZING organizations in NYC for middle eastern women (and I was actually thinking that was probably the region at hand here, given some of what you'd said and how you're feeling). Not only could you likely get some good counseling through them, you might also be able to forge some connections with women who understand the kinds of conflicts you're having in terms of this situation.

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GreenHouse12
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My family is from Lebanon. I hope that helps. =]

Thanks a million.

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GreenHouse12
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Hey, Heather.
I figured I'd let you know that I think I found a breakthrough through all of this, and I'd like to thank you for the millionth time.

Last night, I was talking to my boyfriend- he's away for the summer, so I hardly get to talk to him. And last night I realized that every time I talk to him, it's the only time I don't think I'm pregnant. It's the only time I laugh at my fears, and stupidity, and I calm down. On July 3rd, he left for his vacation, and I didn't speak to him at all. On July 9th, that's when my fears started haunting me. And with each day without him, it just grew and grew. The fear returns when I'm not talking to him- I just freak out when I don't have him. It's happened before- but it was never a pregnancy scare before. It was more of a fear that we were going to get caught by my family, or word was going to get out about us.

I had gotten to attached to seeing him every day, and before he went on vacation, we'd talk for hours- endlessly.

I'm 100% positive that if he didn't go away on vacation, this pregnancy scare would have never emerged. So right now, I'm solely depending on this resolution.

I'd like to thank you for all your help. I am going to seek help- I learned that I could be suffering from seperation-anxiety, like a little child being away from their mother, or parent or guardian, and I need to treat it. First things first, I do need to get a blood pregnancy test to put all of this to rest
(I hope. BTW- does it matter if you're below 18 to get a blood pregnancy test at Planned Parenthood?).

If all goes well there, I plan on getting on birth control to regulate my menstrual cycle- so I hope that goes well for me as well. Lastly, I won't put myself in situations like this again. This rollercoaster ride was too much for me. And it's still taking its toll- because the fear exists.

Thank you for listening to me, Heather. And if and when I do get my blood test, I'll let you know if you'd like, and I'll update you on how I feel afterwards. You were truly remarkable for not judging me, and talking to me like someone who needs the help badly.

Sincerely yours,
-Dreema.

[ 08-10-2009, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: GreenHouse12 ]

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Heather
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Thanks for checking in. [Smile] Sorry I missed your last post! I'll get back to that, too: for some strange reason I cannot for the life of me find the list of orgs for middle eastern women I know I have here somewhere.

By all means, being or feeling isolated can always make things like this much worse. And when you can't talk to the person who's involved with you in this, that can be really rough. How are you when it comes to having other close relationships, besides the one with your boyfriend: close enough you can talk just as freely to others as to him?

You don't have to be over 18 to get a test: it doesn't matter at all that you're not.

I've been more than happy to listen and talk, and am here whenever you need, Dreema. I'll also pop back in when I do find where on earth I put those resources. [Smile]

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[Smile] It's no problem if you can't find the list; when the time comes, and you find it, I'm sure you'll let me know.

The only person I can really talk to like him is my best friend. However, she was on vacation for 4 weeks, and I hadn't seen or spoken to her very much. I had to bother her on her break because of my fears. So the two closest people to me were gone, and I felt so alone. Now, she's back. And I talk to her about it. And she rationally tries to show me I had no viable risk unless my boyfriend was soaked in pre-cum or semen. It helps. Yet, the only time my fears seem to go away is when I'm talking to my boyfriend.

I ended up calling Planned Parenthood- however, not the one you reccomended to me. I called the one that showed up closer to my home. I asked about blood tests, and the woman told me they can't tell me whether or not they're going to give me a blood test over the phone; she told me I'd have to come in, and they'd have to see me to give me a definite answer. When I asked about how high the price can go, she said generally 55 dollars. =/

I spoke to my best friend, she said we'll get me checked out on Wednesday. I'm really nervous. I don't want the price to be that high. If it is, I think...I think I'll simply ask for a urine test. It'll be my fifth. And the last time I took one was 2 weeks ago. I'll just have to learn to accept the result that they'll give me. I don't know why I can't trust urine tests. I've read your pee-on-a-stick article. I just don't know how to come to terms that it's reliable; especially after reading so many stories that HPT's aren't that reliable, and some people don't get positives until they're about 2 months pregnant.

But nevermind that. I need to learn to breathe.
Also, when my boyfriend does come back, I guess we need to have a talk about our sexual relationship, and my fears.

P.S. Last night, I e-mailed this woman who's also known as a sexpert near me- hoping to get her insight as well. It was awful. I got a reply back this moring saying, "Thanks for e-mail. However, I cannot give you an answer unless you are a student of (insert school here). If you are a student, please send me your ID number and name, then I'll be happy to help." It was humiliating. I wanted to reply back that if she was an expert, and really set out on helping people, she would have replied to me no matter what. I had no guts to do so, though.

Sincerely yours,
-Dreema.

[ 08-10-2009, 07:39 PM: Message edited by: GreenHouse12 ]

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GreenHouse12
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Hi, Heather.

My best friend and I went to Planned Parenthood. We paid a lot to get there by cab. When we got there, the staff was in a meeting until 2, so we waited. When 2 rolled around, a nurse or worker there came in, and said, "Who's here for a walk-in?" So I raised my hand and said, "me." And so did a few others. She then said, to my shock, "We're not taking walk-in's today. There's only one doctor, and no nurses, and the doctor doesn't want to see walk-in's."

I was hurt. Devastated. She told us to come back tomorrow, but I couldn't afford that trip all over again, so my best friend and I just left. I laughed it off for her- told her, I'll be fine. But I'm not.

I don't understand. Every time I don't feel pregnant, and I convince myself I'm not- my lower back will start hurting. It looks like a vein on my left boob got darker, and is forming somewhat of a ring around it... My head has been constantly hurting. Its become a normal thing for me. It just keeps hurting. And I get tired in the day.
To top it off, I see pregnant people, or things associated with pregnancy EVERYWHERE- especially when I'm convinced I'm NOT pregnant. It's like something is telling me, "How could you think you're not pregnant?" and then pops a pregnant teenager or woman in front of me, as if to mock me. It's unbelievable to me- I'll laugh it off, but then idea just stays in my head for the whole day. Yesterday, I was nearly 100% convinced I'll be fine. And then my sister had to randomy say to me, "You know Kortney Kardasian? Yeah, they're saying she's pregnant." I just gave her a weak smile. It was too random for me. We never talk about the Kardasian's or anything like that. It creeped me out.

Every time I feel fine...something to do with pregnancy pops up. It scares me.

I figured I'd give you that update on my failed visit to Planned Parenthood. I was very disappointed in them. I even called a few days before then, and the woman told me, "Just come in whenever you'd like."


Sincerely yours,
-Dreema.

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Heather
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Dreema: that is really upsetting, and I'm so sorry you got such poor service. I'd be glad to make a secondary complaint on your behalf if you like (or contact someone I know at PPNYC in general). By all means, those things happen, but not telling clients days you have staff meetings and won't be available is NOT okay.

My suggestion, again, would be to start with the independent clinic if you can. Don't cab it, just take the subway. Given the level of your anxiety, seeing a general healthcare provider is also something I'd suggest.

What can I do for you from here? Just let me know.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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GreenHouse12
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Oh. That would be wonderful. I wanted to file a complaint myself, but I didn't know what to do. Thank you so much, Heather.

I'm going to a clinic on Monday.
I think I'll be fine.

But thanks so much for continuing to listen.


P.S. I just read Joey's 'To Worry or Not to Worry' forum. Undeniably, it helped me.
I thought I was the only one that has fears this extreme. But I'm not. And it helped to see people bashing Yahoo Answers [Smile]


Sincerely yours,
-Dreema.

[ 08-13-2009, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: GreenHouse12 ]

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GreenHouse12
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Btw- Can any healthcare provider administer a blood pregnancy test?
I'm going to a G.I. specialist on Monday, and I was wondering if I could ask her for one, but I want to make sure through here that any healthcare provider can draw blood for a pregnancy test before I embarrass myself for asking.

Thank you, Heather.

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GreenHouse12
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Hi, Heather.
Its been 5 days since I posted...
I'm not sure if I'm doing any better.
I've gained a tiny amount of weight since my appetite sort of came back.

However, today, I couldn't resist. I bought yet another test.
I couldn't take it right after waking up. So I held in my urine after waking up for an extra 4 hours.

Next monday will make it 10 weeks after my risk.
But I feel awful- still.

I would like to know if depression makes you tired. I'm absolutely exhausted- all the time. If I'm not yawning, my eyes feel heavy. I want to stop thinking it could be associated with pregnancy- since women feel extreme fatigue. I've just been very stressed, and overworking my mind, and extremely upset all time- could that be causing my extreme tiredness?

Also, what exactly defines depression?
Personally, I haven't been able to find pure happiness in awhile, so I count myself as depressed. When I do feel happy, it doesn't last very long- so does mood swings link to depression too?

I am seeing and talking to someone about my problems. But..I just don't talk during those sessions. I cry.

Sincerely yours,
- Dreema.

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Heather
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Hi, Dreema. I'm so sorry to hear you're still having so much trouble.

One of the most common effects of depression is fatigue or lethargy. When you talk to people who live with depression, especially when it's untreated, you'll often hear them talk about how tough it can be even for them to just get out of bed in the morning. I'm not at all surprised to hear you're feeling like this, everything given, and again, given all your tests, I feel we can clearly say pregnancy is NOT why.

In terms of how depression is defined, in general, it starts with what kind of depression we're talking about" chemical or situational depression. Situational depression means we had a situation -- like say, the death of someone close to us -- that is the cause of our being depressed. Chemical depression needs no cause: it's about chemical imbalances, for lack of a better term, in our brains. Sometimes both can be happening at the same time.

As well, having very intense mood changes is often about some sort of mood disorder, like depression or anxiety.

In your counseling sessions, when you only cry and don't talk, how has your counselor been responding to that? have you two talked at all about evaluating you for your depression and perhaps seeing if a medication isn't of help to you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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GreenHouse12
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My counselor just lets me let it out. I...trust her, I guess. But, I just can't let words out to her, the way I can here.
We're waiting to see what happens when I see my boyfriend for the first time in 7 weeks- this will occur next Monday.

I feel so unmotivated. I don't want to leave the house.
I know every woman is different, and their bodies and reactions all differ- but truthfully, I'm tired of hearing this. Straight up, I just want to hear that if I was pregnant, and since it would be my first, my symptoms would have been intense since my body doesn't know what it's getting itself into- at least by the second pregnancy, some things would be more dull than in the first.
But all I keep hearing is, "it depends on you." But..I don't think it does. A first pregnancy is a first pregnancy, and everything should feel different to you.

I'm so sorry if this is personal to you (I read an article on abortion on this site, and came across your own experience), Heather, and if it is, please- just let me know. But my question to you is: when you found out you were pregnant for the first time- how did your body react? Did you feel normal, or did things feel different? For example, did your breasts hurt more than what you're used to, were you experiencing any morning sickness, as well as any other cliched symptoms associated with pregnancy?

I don't understand why I don't feel any closure after reading all of the results from my pregnancy tests. Heck, I even went to Sex, etc. live chat last night, and asked some questions- yet, that wasn't even enough for me. I agree with what you said in my previous posts- the guilt is making me believe that I need to have this outcome. Not only that, but with a little help, I realized why I woke up one morning and said to myself, "Hey, you might be pregnant." My mind somehow blocked the thought that the previous night I was looking through shows, and one of them happened to be "16 & Pregnant" from MTV. And I contemplated if I wanted to watch it, and then dwelled on the thought, "What if you were pregnant?"

I'm sorry for my ranting and raving, and million questions. I'm trying to detach myself from the internet, but it's getting hard.

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Heather
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Per your counselor, have you tried writing some things down and bringing them in so you can communicate them to her that way? Even just printing out the conversation we have had here might help with that.

In terms of being tired of hearing that every woman -- and every pregnancy, even for one woman -- has different experiences with pregnany, I'm afraid there's no solution to that. There simply is no one, clear way all women experience pregnancy. However, I have yet to hear of any woman, ever, taking as many tests as you have who was pregnant.

I'm fine with talking to you about the couple of times I have been pregnant, but it may only be so useful. That's because I get hyperemesis when I'm pregnant -- it's a condition which is effectively highly severe morning sickness. The second time I was pregnant in my life, to give you an idea, I lost nearly 20 pounds in the six weeks I had to wait to get a termination. I also often tend to feel pregnant because of that symptom earlier than I hear most women reporting feeling pregnant. So, for me? I always feel like holy hell, nearly right from the start, and for the times I have been pregnant, it has never relented, even with nausea medications and other address of my nausea.

In terms of other symptoms, the couple times I have been pregnant I did not have any noticeable breast changes, no weird food cravings (but again, the hypermesis makes even the idea of eating nauseating), and the one time I was pregnant for weeks, I did feel more tired than usual, but not keeping any food down at all was probably why more than an early pregnancy.

But I can also tell you as someone who has worked a job where I will sit and talk to as many as fifteen pregnant women in one day that there really, truly, is no one way women feel when pregnant, and many women, in early pregnancy, don't feel different at all.

You don't need to be sorry about any of this, but I do think that until you resolve your emotional feelings about all of this -- and perhaps are in a more supportive environment -- tests are only going to do so much for you. If the first one or two didn't make a dent, I question what more tests will. Either you believe the very accurate science or you don't, but as I said before, profound fear often doesn't respond much to logic, you know? Work out all the shame, self-blame, guilt and fears around this -- or at least some -- and I think the tests will have more gravity for you.

Lastly, did you ever get to that other clinic? If not, you may still want to consider that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Dreema: just checking in to see how you're doing.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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GreenHouse12
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I'm taking these posts to the counselor.
Thank you for checking in on me.

I'm...I think I'm doing better. My depression is still present, that's a given. My empty feelings are still present- but I've learned that the things I'm feeling aren't only associated with pregnancy. I have to stop and remind myself that I've taken 5 tests.
I'm going through physical discomfort (back pains, sharp pains in my abdomen). But otherwise, my mental state of mind is better than before. The crying has stopped. I wake up, and remind myself about how a woman can get pregnant (I learned that I actually have to sit there and have a conversation with myself aloud to believe it). I even considered taping a post-it on my wall that said, "NO RISK." so that I can see it every morning when I wake up. I've stopped examining my body as much as I used to, and I'm learning to listen to the urges my body gives me (tired- go sleep. Hungry- go eat. Need to pee- go pee).

My GI doctor prescribed me prev-acid for my discomfort- I have to give it a couple of weeks to notice a difference. But I'm not sure there is any irritation in my stomach.

I come here every day, and I read every post I can- to teach myself that there are people out there that had real, viable risks, and I listen to the advice you give them, and I keep it in my head for future reference. I come back to my own post, and re-read everything you've told me, before doing anything during the day. It helps me.

Thanks again, Heather.

Sincerly yours,
- Dreema.

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Heather
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I'm so glad to hear that you're making some progress. It sounds like you've been developing some good tools to help yourself manage that, and that's fantastic.

Thanks for checking back in. Was just thinking about you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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GreenHouse12
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So. I think I may have lied...I don't think I'm alright. You don't need to reply to this at all- I just need a little place to vent.

I don't understand my body right now.
Whenever my feelings are fine, my body is not.
-Recently, my abdominal area has become increasingly sore.
-I have a 'pooch.'
-My ankle is so sore.
-I'm losing my memory
-And my back is simply the biggest annoyance of all.

I gave up on my counselor. In her own words, I was crazy. The clinic you offered me is also going to cost me a lot of money- so I gave up on that as well (I cannot use my insurance without my mother being billed). It seems like I have no hope anymore.
And maybe I am crazy.
I can't stay happy for more than an hour.
I can't talk to my parents about this- not at all.
Anti-depressants are out of the equation.

I'm so lost. So confused. And so hurt.
I used to be so full of life...so happy. And today, I had the most awful thought that maybe my life is meaningless now. That I'm going to feel like this for long ways to come, and if that were the case, maybe my life wouldn't be worth living. It wasn't suicidal thoughts. It was more like considering that I should walk around...empty, emotionless, and give up on my life, my family, my friends, and everything I've worked for. Because right now, it seems so pointless to me.

I can't find a haven right now.
I want to.
I'm tired of crying, and only feeling better after I cry.

I'm sorry, Heather. As well as to the whole Scarleteen staff.
I just need a space to vent to.
I've tried journals, and diaries.
None worked.

I hope I can just let it out here.
I don't mind at all if no one replies. I just need to let this out.

Thank you very very much.

[ 08-24-2009, 06:52 PM: Message edited by: GreenHouse12 ]

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GreenHouse12
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Does my mother have to be present at a doctor's appointment that may require blood work if I am under 18?
Posts: 27 | From: United States | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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No, she does not. And when your sexual health is involved, not only do you have the legal right to autonomy, but also to privacy.

I'm sorry I missed your previous post. I'm here for a few hours if you want to check in with how you've been feeling.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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GreenHouse12
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Okay. Thank you.
I e-mailed my doctor, asking for an appointment. And I explained to her that I don't want my mother in the room with me when I see her. So..we'll see what happens.

And, it's okay that you missed my last post. I just needed to vent that day. It was hard for me.

It still is right now. It looks like I'm growing a little bump- but it may be my mind playing tricks on me.
I'm taking things one day at a time. I just really need that appointment.
A lot of what I'm feeling can be related to so many different things, and I just want to be helped. I really cannot ignore it any longer. That's probably the one thing the counselor really did help me realize.
The list of my symptoms range from stress, pregnancy, ovarian cancer, ulcer, depression, to things I haven't really heard of like celiac disease (I was already tested for that- it was negative).
Every time I eat- it could be anything- I blow up like a balloon. But I don't wake up like that. =/

I'm really trying my best to take it easy.
I've grown accustomed to taking showers in the dark, to prevent myself from examining myself while I'm in there.

Just one day at a time... [Confused]

Sincerely yours,
Dreema.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, it certainly sounds like *something* is going on with your health, so I'm glad you're going to get some healthcare.

It should perhaps be mentioned that if you are having a reproductive health problem like an ovarian cyst, that can cause hormonal changes which might very well make a person think/feel like they are pregnant.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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