No one can tell you why you should live. Only you can do that.
But as someone who personally had to clean up a wall with pieces of her boyfriends head covering it in high school, I can say very plainly that while you may feel death may be a relief to you (as if you could know), it is pretty bloody horrendous, traumatic and terrible for all the folks left to deal with. You say you don't want to burden your friends by asking for support, but you think them dealing with a suicide won't be a burden? Think the heck again.
And a bloody waste, if you ask me.
Really, we can't deal with direct threats of suicide here at ST, because technically what you are doing is stating possible intent tfor unlawful activity. And honestly, I don't think it's fair or kind to post such here (and you should be aware that we sometimes report such as need be). But I can do what I can in short.
Most of us go through hell at least once or twice in our lives. It's hard. It can hurt something profoundly awful. It's difficult to ask for help and sometimes difficult to get it. We also may at many times not be sure what we're doing here, why we're important, or what it all means or is worth. That's part of life. You may not even have anything tangible to pin your feelings to -- but if you're chemically depressed, there needn't be anything. For all we know, it may be part of death and numerous lives after -- often I think we might feel death would be a relief because we assume it'll be like sleeping, or nothing, or something profoundly different than where we're at. I've yet to get a postcard back from the afterworld, so who's to say?
If you are seriously in this space, call a hotline. We have plenty in the Crisis section. They are all good. Or walk into your local ER and tell them how you feel and what you worry you may do. You WILL get treatment.
Moreover: breathe. Really, just stop and breathe. Take a long walk. Call one of your friends and take a chance by asking for an ear. Eat a handful of snow. Cry your heart out. If you feel you really need something more direct and tougher, call your local morgue and ask if you can view a suicide. No, I'm not kidding.
I know all of that sounds terribly simple, but oftentimes, it really is as simple as getting a grip, snapping out of your miasma and really looking around you. I spent lots of my teen years suicidal (though I confess, dealing with someone I loved doing so and physically cleaning it up took that urge RIGHT out of my system), and voila. Here I am. Doing things with my life I think are pretty darn useful. Couldn't have forseen them from that space, that's for sure. You get very blinndsided when you're depressed and can't see the forest from the trees or much outside of your head. It's like living in a fishbowl.
But I think you have to try. If you don't, then you're the one who has made your life be worthless, love. Death is no easier a choice or a solution than taking a big risk in the other direction and taking a real chance on living (and the latter is a lot more predictable). Hang in there. For everyone who loves you, for yourself. It's doable. You're worth it, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. We all are. You are.
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen
My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson
[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 01-10-2003).]