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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Emergencies and Crises » Why should I live?

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Author Topic: Why should I live?
Chinyere85
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Member # 7554

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I guess this is an emergency...I dunno. I've been really depressed for the past consecutive nights, and last night I cried myself to sleep, waking with my heavy-lidded eyes with bags beneath them. I'm slightly depressed now, but I know it will get worse come the evening.

All of my friends are out having fun now, and I don't want to burden them with my own psychological problems, even though they offered to help.

I've tried to tell my parents, but I don't want to. My father usually brushes it of, even when I told him once that I wanted to suffocate myself. My mother usually takes it personally, thinking that it is a direct attack on her motherhood, or she thinks that I am depressed because she doesn't allow me to date or even get close to being promiscuous. But it's not that at all.

I'm tired of being blamed for ruining evenings. Maybe it'd be better for me to ruin one last evening and get it over with.

I don't really know what it is. Chemical, I guess. And I've come here about this before, I know, but...I just need help, someway, somehow. I don't see a doctor until after I'm 18, because this is a new doctor my other doctor didn't really care. None of my friends are here and I doubt they could do much, and my parents don't understand.

I believe I'm coming closer and closer to the old days when I was suicidal. Any advice? Why should I live? Why am I so important that I've lived thus far? Gah, I have no real problems, I don't understand it.

I don't fear death...I look forward to it as a relief. I don't really want to kill myself, but I want to die.

Help.

------------------
"Baby, To me your like a growing / Addiction I can't deny / Now would you tell me, is that healthy, baby?" -- Seal, Kiss From a Rose


Posts: 55 | From: Ypsilanti | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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No one can tell you why you should live. Only you can do that.

But as someone who personally had to clean up a wall with pieces of her boyfriends head covering it in high school, I can say very plainly that while you may feel death may be a relief to you (as if you could know), it is pretty bloody horrendous, traumatic and terrible for all the folks left to deal with. You say you don't want to burden your friends by asking for support, but you think them dealing with a suicide won't be a burden? Think the heck again.

And a bloody waste, if you ask me.

Really, we can't deal with direct threats of suicide here at ST, because technically what you are doing is stating possible intent tfor unlawful activity. And honestly, I don't think it's fair or kind to post such here (and you should be aware that we sometimes report such as need be). But I can do what I can in short.

Most of us go through hell at least once or twice in our lives. It's hard. It can hurt something profoundly awful. It's difficult to ask for help and sometimes difficult to get it. We also may at many times not be sure what we're doing here, why we're important, or what it all means or is worth. That's part of life. You may not even have anything tangible to pin your feelings to -- but if you're chemically depressed, there needn't be anything. For all we know, it may be part of death and numerous lives after -- often I think we might feel death would be a relief because we assume it'll be like sleeping, or nothing, or something profoundly different than where we're at. I've yet to get a postcard back from the afterworld, so who's to say?

If you are seriously in this space, call a hotline. We have plenty in the Crisis section. They are all good. Or walk into your local ER and tell them how you feel and what you worry you may do. You WILL get treatment.

Moreover: breathe. Really, just stop and breathe. Take a long walk. Call one of your friends and take a chance by asking for an ear. Eat a handful of snow. Cry your heart out. If you feel you really need something more direct and tougher, call your local morgue and ask if you can view a suicide. No, I'm not kidding.

I know all of that sounds terribly simple, but oftentimes, it really is as simple as getting a grip, snapping out of your miasma and really looking around you. I spent lots of my teen years suicidal (though I confess, dealing with someone I loved doing so and physically cleaning it up took that urge RIGHT out of my system), and voila. Here I am. Doing things with my life I think are pretty darn useful. Couldn't have forseen them from that space, that's for sure. You get very blinndsided when you're depressed and can't see the forest from the trees or much outside of your head. It's like living in a fishbowl.

But I think you have to try. If you don't, then you're the one who has made your life be worthless, love. Death is no easier a choice or a solution than taking a big risk in the other direction and taking a real chance on living (and the latter is a lot more predictable). Hang in there. For everyone who loves you, for yourself. It's doable. You're worth it, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. We all are. You are.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 01-10-2003).]


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Chinyere85
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Member # 7554

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Thank you so much for all of the advice and the response, and I'm sorry for posting this here...I just could think of no other place to get help. A friend arrived on the IM and I IMed her so I feel a lot better now, but I know that this is a problem I'm going to have to address. Even when not suicidal, being this depressed is unpleasant and really wastes valuable energy in my life.

But such has been my entire teenaged life. I've gotten through depression before, and I can get through it now. I'll just need a little more help, and my friend is helping me find it.

Thank you again.


Posts: 55 | From: Ypsilanti | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I can't express how pleased I am to hear that. Really.

I just got up out of bed just to check and see if we'd hear from you again. You know, even people you don't know DO care.

Take your time making steps, and give yourself credit for the ones you have. Asking for some help and affirming your value -- you know, it's a pretty big one. Brava.

You'll also find lots of folks here -- users, volunteers and staff -- have been in that place. Feel free to keep poking in as need be.

...and have a great life. It's there for the asking, gal.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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