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Author Topic: Am I still a Virgin?
Lotus Cake
Neophyte
Member # 110715

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This may sound weird but I still consider myself a virgin, even though I had sex at age 5. I am now 19 years old and I am still bothered by having sexual experiences before even getting my first period at age 9.
I feel rather uncomfortable around guys since the guys that I had sex with ranged from my age group to middle school aged boys. But all that stopped after I got my period and learned about sex education. I guess you can say I was a lolita of sorts before I even knew how to spell sex nor even knew what sex was. To me at that age, it just felt good. Now I feel completely ashamed and don't feel I deserve to have a boyfriend nor a healthy love life.
But I feel like even after all those sexual experiences, the scorpio in me still craves to have a love life. Am I still a virgin since I had sex before my period, before I even knew what sex was? And should I tell any of my future male partners (if there are any) about what happened in my early childhood?
And on a side note, being home from college a couple of the guys who "tricked" me into having sex with them are still in close proximity with me and I feel very uncomfortable and nervous around them though they seem to have forgotten the "experiences" they shared with me at our younger age. And I am scared of telling anyone because those guys are going through a very tough time in their lives and I don't want to make it any harder for them because they were weird in their earlier years. I believe it could be karma biting them back already for what they did...

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey there, Lotus Cake.

Before we really dig in here, I want to check in with you about how you feel about discussing sexual abuse and assault and calling it what it is. I hear you describing at least some here - consensual sex does not involve anyone tricking anyone, for starters - but you clearly have been managing this for a long time, and I do not want to talk to you about any of this in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, while still being able to talk about the factual stuff here factually.

So, mind giving me some cues around that so I do not accidentally step on your toes? Thanks. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Lotus Cake
Neophyte
Member # 110715

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I'm fine talking about abuse. And I'm not sure if sex is consensual if the person is so far under the age that they haven't gotten their period yet and has never even heard of sex before. But I'm just really confused on how to describe myself and how to handle my "abusers" today.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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By all means, consent = informed consent. So, if someone who knows what they are asking someone else to do, but the person they are asking don't, or isn't capable of really understanding? Then by all means, that's not consensual sex we're talking about.

Same-age sexual experimentation is different than that, and is more stuff like kids playing doctor.

(I would suggest ditching the idea you were a "Lolita." Not only is that a fiction, it was a fiction written by an older man who was assigning a lot to young girls -- and young girls older than you are asking about here by a long shot -- without ever had their life experiences. And young children don't seduce people into being sexual with them: that's actually something that comes from some, IMO, pretty messed-up adult fantasies about young people that are really fantasies of abuse. Just doesn't seem like a framework to really support you or help you in healing, and it certainly is one with a seriously high yuck-factor in a lot of ways.)

You know, I'm willing to bet most -- if not all -- of what you're asking about per your history here is probably sexual abuse. And while I can't tell you if you're a virgin or not, because that's an idea, not something medical, and it's a very arbitrary idea (and personally, also not a framework I, myself, am a fan of), I am very glad to hear what sounds like you figuring that sex you didn't consent to or couldn't consent to doesn't "count" as sex.

Because I strongly agree: consensual sexual experience we choose are just that, and only that. They are not things where others choose for us in any way, or where we are tricked or coerced into participating.

Who you share any of your sexual history with -- and that means for any sex in your life you HAVE freely and knowingly chosen to be part of, and for any sexual abuse or assault -- is always up to you. It's up to anyone. Chances are that with partners you feel strongly about and really want to connect with, you both will share parts of your sexual history with each other. Too, it doesn't usually feel good to feel like we have to keep our pasts in hiding from people we are being intimate with. But that still is a choice.

The only bit where not sharing that gets iffy is when someone has had sexual abuse/assault or consensual sex in their past and has not gotten STI testing done. So, where they may be someone with high STI risks, but the other person isn't being informed of that. But again, if you've been tested and know your status, that provides that information for partners.

That all said, the fact that someone has been sexually abused doesn't mean they will not want a love or sexual life, nor that they will not want consensual sexual experiences. As it sounds like you already have a good handle on, consensual sex is just a totally different thing.

It's tough to talk about what you might want to do with partners if you don't even know these people yet. Really, you'll only get a sense of what you want to share, when, and with whom, when the "with whom" and "when" aren't total question marks.

In terms of being around people who it sounds like may have abused you -- or, in any case where we're talking same-age experimentation, but you just don't feel comfortable around them regardless -- do you WANT these people in your life at all? If not, you do not have to have them there. It sounds to me like it'd probably be best for you if they weren't, especially if you find yourself feeling like you have to cover for them or make excuses for them, which is something else unlikely to help you do any healing you need to do.

So, what do you want with that? If you don't want to be around them, you have the option of telling them or others why, but you also have the option of just saying you don't want to be around them without disclosing anything else. It's really all about what you want and feel most comfortable with.

This link may give you some more info on the whole virginity business: Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I forgot to ask if you've ever sought out any kind of support or counseling around this, especially since you've mentioned feeling ashamed around what, again, sounds most likely to have been abuses or assaults.

If you haven't, is that something you'd like help looking into?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Lotus Cake
Neophyte
Member # 110715

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I've never really realized that I was being sexual abused as I didn't even know my peers (other kids that were at the most 13) could sexual assult someone whose age is in the single age range. So maybe I will seek out my college counselor.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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People of the same age can certainly abuse or assault each other, whether we are talking about adults or talking about children. And if and when things are happening like someone being "tricked" into any sexual activity, then we can know, again, no matter someone's age, consensual sex or sexual experimentation is NOT what is happening.

Because consensual sex involves not just people understanding what they are agreeing to, but freely, knowingly, agreeing to it without any kind of deception.

College counseling services can absolutely be a good place to get started with this kind of care and support.

Can I offer you anything else around this?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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