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Author Topic: Sex issues with boyfriend? We'll touching him I guess?
wisteriawestd3
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I talked to somebody in a live chat yesterday about this and they said to bring the topic here. The thing that I told her was I'm scared for my boyfriend to take his pants off. And I don't know why. I'm just scared to touch him. This doesn't make sense to me because I let him touch me. He's fingered me and performed oral. I completely trust him and we've been together for 6 months in a few days. I don't have a problem being completely named and exposed to him so why am I having these problems?

Whoever I talked to yesterday actually managed to help me figure out why I'm scared which was something I never could figure out for myself. It's because of the unknown. How both of is will feel mainly me but him to. Also how we will react to it.

So I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how do I over come this? Like begin easing into berthing I guess. Any ideas? Thanks so much!

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Heather
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Good to see you again, wisteria. [Smile]

When we left off yesterday, I was bringing up the option of taking baby steps with this, like, as one example, just being around - and not necessarily even sexual with or touching - your boyfriend with both of you naked, instead of just you. How did you feel about that idea?

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wisteriawestd3
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That's the thing. We talked about it but I won't even let him take his boxers off because even that part freaks me out.
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Heather
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So, here's the thing: you have to figure out why first, then. And then deal with that and make choices around that.

You said it might be because of not knowing what will happen. But one presumes that, him being your first partner, you didn't know what will happen -- it was all unknown to you -- when you got naked with him, and he did sexual things to you?

Any sense, then, of why this is different and feels so scary if that did not?

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wisteriawestd3
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That's exactly why I'm confused. I think it might be because I was on the receiving end. I just had to lay there I wasn't actullu doing anything. This is why it's so confusing and complicated for me.
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Heather
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So, are you saying that in the sexual activities you have been part of, you have felt or been very passive; feeling like you are just laying there, rather than interacting with your own words, movements or other actions?

Like, literally, have you not been interacting in any way when he has been sexual with you so far? Nothing said from you, no movement of your hands or other parts of your body, etc?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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If I can also check in about something: in our conversation in chat the other day, I was getting the sense you two are not doing a lot of active consent or other sexual communication.

In other words, am I getting it right that there is little to no talking during or with any kind of sexual activity? That rather than, say, him asking about doing something, he does it and looks for non-verbal consent from you, and you're not using words to, during these activities, say things like what does and doesn't feel awesome, how fast or slow to go, which ways to touch you, and he's not really asking those questions, either?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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wisteriawestd3
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Sorry. I'm in school. But no. We usually make out. I guess I do make noise and we do move and shift on the bed. My hands usually stay on his back. We do pull away and talk a bit sometimes.
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Heather
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So, sounds like this is about more than his genitals, then?

Here's my suggestion to you, from what I have so far in our talks, per next steps:

1. Start talking MUCH more about what you do and do not want, what does and does not feel good. Not sometimes. Often. At least as often as you are doing these things, be talking about them, including while yo are doing them.

2. Pull back a little with what you have been doing rather than trying to push forward. It really sounds like a big part of what is happening here is that you are simply scared to really participate in sexual activity together, period, especially in any way HE is not initiating. I'd vote for slowing way down, asking him to give you a chance to initiate, and then getting some practice yourself initiating activities you already have been part of so far and have felt pretty comfortable with (which you've said is not just making out, but if that's the thing so far where you do feel totally comfy, maybe that's the thing to stick with for now, trying to be more active in and and initiating yourself more often).

3. I'd also try and even things out a bit here. If it's not cool yet for him to be without his pants, it might go better if you start keeping yours on, to kind of level the playing field here, if you get me.

4. Start just talking -- with friends, with your boyfriend -- about what you are scared of here. Get it outta your head, even if it feels vague at first. You say you are afraid of the unknown, but probably you can get more specific. In other words, I bet there are things you are not sure will or won't happen you are not scared of because you think they'd be awesome if they did. But then things where you ARE scared, because they're not what you want or feel comfortable with, right?

[ 05-27-2014, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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wisteriawestd3
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The being scared of what will or won't happen is correct. We talk a lot about what were doing. I let him know if something hurts or feels good.

What do you mean by he is not initiating? I'm completely comfortable with him being withe so I just want to start getting comfortable touching him other than just over his pants.

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wisteriawestd3
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I also have to go to gym shortly so I will not be able to reply. I will reply as soon as I can.
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Heather
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I mean that YOU take turns asking HIM to do sexual things with you you want to do, and you start asking about touching him (or asking him to touch you, whichever), rather than him only or mostly being the person to ask you, or touch you first.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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wisteriawestd3
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I've asked him about it. He said that it doesn't bother him. That he doesn't wanna push me and that it'll happen when I'm ready. But how do I get ready? How do I ease into touching him and being with him like that?
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wisteriawestd3
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He doesn't really ask either. We just kind of do it. I'll ask sometimes. We just kinda silently agree to do it I guess. We both just know when we wanna do stuff and the. It starts and we talk about how far we wanna go.
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Heather
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Were you able to read the suggestions around that I have already made for you a couple posts up?

And when I say you ask to touch him, I mean that when you two do things that are sexual YOU take turns initiating them; you take a turn asking if it's okay -- this is something we do each time with touch with someone, not just once and forever -- of you touch him there, or you invite him to do something sexual with you you would like him to do or be part of. Understand?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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wisteriawestd3
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He doesn't really ask either. We just kind of do it. I'll ask sometimes. We just kinda silently agree to do it I guess. We both just know when we wanna do stuff and the. It starts and we talk about how far we wanna go.
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wisteriawestd3
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I Kind of understand. I just don't see it as really easing into it like I wanna.
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Heather
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So, sounds like, as I said yesterday, consenting is something you BOTH need to work on. It's really important, both so that everyone can know clearly what everyone wants and is okay with, but it also is important because communicating in words about sex is one of the things that makes it most likely to feel great -- physically and emotionally -- for everyone.

And for sure, if he isn't asking or really communicating either, you're not going to find it any easier to do yourself.

Like I said yesterday, "sex" is not something outside of you that can 'start" or end." Sex is things people have to actively choose to do or they don't happen at all. If you feel like you are being passive no matter what, I can get that, for you, it might feel like "it just starts," but in reality what is happening is your boyfriend is doing things, or you are, that make any kind of sex be what is happening and continuing.

Here's a guide to consent it seems like would be good for both of you to read: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent

This might be helpful, too: When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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wisteriawestd3
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I'm still not understanding how to get more comfortable touching him intimately and seeing him naked. I will check out the links tho.
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Heather
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Well, by all means, if you already know what YOU want to do and feel best about, then by all means, do that! [Smile] I have been giving you the time, advice and information I am because you have seemed to be saying you did not know what to do or how you wanted to handle this and were asking for help with that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Seriously, I'm at a bit of a loss here.

You just responded, before this, to all the things I have suggested in the last two days with: "I just don't see it as really easing into it like I wanna."

...which suggests you have ways you want to go about this yourself, already.

But then you say, "I'm still not understanding how to get more comfortable touching him intimately and seeing him naked."

...which makes it sound like you do NOT have things and ways you want to try that you know about.

So, I'm very far past confused here. Perhaps if you go ahead and read some of the various things I've given you, it might be easier to see where you are at with this before coming back again, so when and if you do respond again, you can give me a clearer idea of what exactly you're looking for from us?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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wisteriawestd3
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What I mean is the suggestions that you have given me just feel like to me that it's jumping into things. You suggest earlier about just laying with him naked and not doing anything. That just feels like jumping right into it. If I make him leave his boxers on them how am I supposed to handle him just Latin there with me without anything on? I'm sorry for confusing you but I am so confused about this topic by myself. That's why I came searching for help so I could try to have this mess figured out and hope to find a way of slowly easing into me touching him and being comfortable around his naked body.
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Heather
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Again, maybe the answer then, which was one of the options I brought up with you yesterday and today, is to step WAAAAAY back with all of this?

Like, how about you are not just "laying there" naked when he isn't: how about no one is naked for now, and all of this slows way down so you can really get the time you need to figure out both what you really want and what you need to feel comfortable?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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One thing I want to add for you with all of this is that if something feels really, really scary?

It's usually a good cue you are trying to do something before you really feel at all ready, AND before you do truly, strongly want to do that thing.

So, trying to figure out how to push past those feelings? Usually not the best way to go. Instead, what you want to do is really spend your own time working through those feelings, and figuring out what they can tell you about what you want and need.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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wisteriawestd3
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What do you mean exactly?
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wisteriawestd3
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What do you mean exactly?
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Sam W
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Hi wisteria,

Hope you don't mind if I jump in. I think what Heather is getting at is that it sounds like you are really not comfortable with, or pretty scared, of seeing your boyfriend this way. When someone is having that strong a reaction to something, it is very often a sign that they are not ready to do that thing just yet. So, instead of trying to push through or past those uncomfortable emotions, it might be more helpful to sit with them a while and figure out what they might be trying to tell you, or where they're coming from.

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wisteriawestd3
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That's the thing I want to do it. I want to have sex with him.
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Sam W
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okay, so I think doing something like easing into (like heather mentioned) is the place to start. So, step one could be something like lying together in your underwear.

I want to touch on something you mentioned way up at the top about fearing the unknown in this situation. What aspects of the unknown worry you the most (and try to be as specific as you can)?

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wisteriawestd3
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I couldn't really tell you. Just not knowing what will happen and how we'll both feel.
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Sam W
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feel in terms of the physical sensations, or feel in terms of something more emotional (vulnerability, etc)?
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wisteriawestd3
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Physical more I say. But there's mental in their to obviously.
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Sam W
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okay, so one step may be to sit for a few minutes and try to write out those fears. It sounds like they might be kind of nebulous at this point, but taking the time to sit and concentrate on them might help you articulate them for yourself.

Did you get a chance to read some of the links Heather gave you up above? Did anything in those jump out at you?

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wisteriawestd3
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I didn't read any yet. I'm on my iPod so it's hard to. I just didn't see how those would help me necessarily with getting more comfortable around him. I trust him completely and I wanna go all the way with him.
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Sam W
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I think (and again, not heather so can't say for certain why she gave them to you) that reading them might help you think about the communication and participation part of sex in relation to you and your partner which, in turn, might help you feel more comfortable in the way you're hoping.

[ 05-27-2014, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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