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Author Topic: My bisexual boyfriend, help pls
Hety
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Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months(we're friends for 3 years now). I know that he's bi for almost 2 years and it never was a big deal for me. He really loves me and he would never cheat and he said that he want's to be forever together with me. I want that too, cuz he's really special. A few months ago he told me that he wants to try something ''gay'' like kissing a guy(or even sex), but only if I'm totally okay with it, otherwise he wouldn't do it(he would still be together with me tho). At first I didn't know what to say and I cryed cuz I thought like I'm not enough or idk.. Then I talked to my best friend and she said that I shouldn't let him do it(she thinks it's the same like cheating with a woman). I told him that it's okay for me, but now I'm scared that if he's gonna do it, and if he's gonna like it, and then he might even fall in love, then he'll leave me for a guy. I really don't wanna lose him. But I totally understand him and his situation, he really doesn't wanna hurt me, but it would hurt so much to see him with another person. And after that things between us might change and I really don't want that. So I wanna hear your opinion, should I let him do it or no?
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September
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So it sound like your partner is interesting in opening up your relationship. Not all people have monogamous relationships, and this is not necessarily connected to their sexual orientation. Wanting an open relationship is typically not about one partner not being "enough". Rather, it is often about being interested in things that are beyond the scope or possibilities of that relationship, about liking variety, wanting to gather different experiences, etc.

One thing that open relationships are not about is cheating. Cheating means going outside of an angreement and doing something you know your partner does not want you to do. In an open relationship, there are (ideally) clear rules about what's okay and what isn't, and if you were to agree that it was okay for your partner to seek out sexual activity with someone else, then it would not be cheating.

However, open relationshps are not for everyone, and that is okay. They can be hard work. They require good communication skills, they require a lot of self-awareness and trust. And beyond that, some people are simply not interested in having multiple partners, or being with someone who is seeing other people. And that is totally okay.

If you would be interested in giving an open relationship a try, we'd be happy to help you figure out how to get that started, and give you pointers on how to negotiate that with your partner.

If you're not interested in that, then that's perfectly fine, and we can help you figure out how to discuss that with your partner, as well.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Hety
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Thanks for your answer. It really helped me. And yes I'm interested in giving an open relationship a try, because I want him to be happy, even tho this might be hard for me, but I'm optimistic. So should I just wait until he finds a person (a guy) that he wants to do this with, or/and what should I say to him?
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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What you will both want to do if you are going to open up your relationship is get started first on reading up about how to do that soundly, and start having conversations about how both of you want to structure this. And IF you want to. Once you both start reading up on how to do this, one or both of you may or may not feel like it is the right thing or something you are up to managing.

Have either of you first yet read any books about navigating open relationships? If not, two good ones to start by looking at are Tristan Taormino's "Open," or Easton and Lizst's "The Ethical Slut."

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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September
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Alright, so it sounds like it is time for the two of you to negotiate what an open relationship would look like for the two of you. You'll both want to figure out where your boundaries are, and what you are and are not oka with.

You might want to start by sitting down and figuring out what you want for yourself. Before you go any further, please make sure for yourself that you really are truly okay, and are not just agreeing to please your partner, or for fear that he will leave you otherwise.

Other questions are, for example, whether you would want to pursue other partners, as well? Are there sexual activities that are off limits? How will you two deal with safer sex and protection?

This article may also help you start thinking about some of this: Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

Also remember that figuring this out is not a one-time deal. You'll want to keep talking about this as things develop. And at any point, either of you get to call a time-out, or call things off altogether. It is often hard to anticipate how we will deal with a new situation, so if you feel things you did not expect, are uncomfortable with anything, you'll always want to bring that up and talk it out with your partner.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Hety
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Thank you both. I kind of think another reason to do this open relationship thing is cuz we're both so young (we're both 17 years old), and I personally don't know if we're gonna like stay together forever (it sounds a bit cheesy to me), and that doesn't mean that I don't love him, it's just I might wanna have some more experience with other guys (he's only my second boyfriend), but I also wanna be only with him. I'm really confused at the moment:/
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Heather
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So, it actually sounds like opening up your relationship might be something you both would potentially enjoy and benefit from. [Smile]

The cool thing about doing that well is that it does mean you still get to very much be together while also having the option of exploring other people the way it sounds like you both may want to.

Do see if you can find one or both of those books. Too, this piece from one of our users may be helpful to you, too: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/in_your_own_words/polyamorous_does_that_mean_you_like_parrots_0

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Hety
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I'll talk to my boyfriend and we'll see what he thinks of this. Thanks for now:)
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Hety
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Hi. I'm back, but this time I have another question. Well, we did talk about the thing about his the topic I talked about the last time I was here, and now we're okay. But lately me and my boyfriend always have small fights, usually nothing important. I also feel like he doesn't wanna talk to me anymore, like he has lost interest in me, or like he just doesn't care about anything I say and that I'm boring. And a few days ago I said to him that this relationship is just going down the hill, and I asked him what we should do and he said that we should take a break.. it really broke my heart, I cryed A LOT, cuz I really didn't think he would say that we should take a break, I thought he would be prepared to work on this relationship or something like that. We're together now for 9 months and we hang almost every day after school. Did he just get used to being with me, or should I give him more free space? He never says how he feels, if he's bored or anything. I really don't wanna break up with him so what should I do to make this relationship more interesting?
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Heather
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Well, sometimes taking some time apart IS working on a relationship. Taking time apart can help people to clarify their feelings, process what the relationship is like for them with some distance from it -- which can bring some objectivity -- and check in with the other parts of their lives that may be getting less attention, to see if perhaps some of what is problematic is not having enough time for those things or oneself.

Since your boyfriend suggested a break when you voiced how you felt, how about trying that, as one thing to try, to see what comes of it?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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September
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I am sorry to hear that you're so upset, Hety. I don't think that there is anything you need to do to make the relationship more interesting - especially since it is not even clear that that is the problem. So, I'd suggest that the best thing to do would be to to give your partner what hs did ask for - some space. But it also perfectly valid for you to wonder what is going on, and I think asking him to communicate to you, or to at least agree to discuss this more once he has had some time to think things through, is a completely valid thing for you to do.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Hety
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I will give him some space, this might help myself too, to think about everything. I hope this will clear things up.
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Heather
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You two can structure this some, too, which is often helpful.

For instance, you can pick a date around the time you both agree you want to take a break for to meet again and talk.

You can also each make goals about what you want to evaluate while you're apart to bring back to that table when you do reconnect.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Hety
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So I talked with my boyfriend yesterday, and he said that he doesn't feel sparks anymore.. he said that he loves me but he feels like we're just best friends who kiss. He said he doesn't wanna break up with me and that he doesn't wanna hurt me in any way. He really cryed and he's so depressed. He said he wishes he wouldn't feel this way, and he also mentioned that he hates being bisexual and that he wishes he would be completely straight. And now I feel so guilty cuz he's so sad and depressed, but I'm sad too. He said that we should talk in a week again and the we'll see if we're gonna stay together or no. I REALLY want him, more than anything else, but I can't force him to be with me:( I don't know what to do, I'm sad all the time and I just wish he would love me the way I love him:(
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Heather
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Unfortunately, we are just not always going to feel the same, or stay feeling the same, as someone else when it comes to relationships. Most of the relationships in our lives will be more temporary than permanent, because life is full of change. [Frown]

Some of this sounds like your boyfriend has a lot on his own plate he is dealing with right now, including what sounds like an awfully rough struggle with his orientation. It sounds like right now, period, may not be the best time for him to be in an intimate relationship, period, while he takes care of himself.

But for now, I understand you are starting by taking a week apart. So, how are you going to spend that time? How do you think you can best spend it in terms of your own self-care and evaluation?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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