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Author Topic: Confusing behavior by a guy
she_who_questions
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Since early January, I've been seeing a fellow intern at the school where I work. We initially didn't think of each other romantically but at a party we ended up talking directly and really getting along. Things progressed from there and I ended up spending the night at his house the following weekend (cuddling and that's it). Things are occasionally awkward between us... He is very quiet and admits that it's worse around girls. He has a hard time extending a conversation and often waits for me to do the work, which is annoying. Early on, he had some hesitations about continuing things and voiced them to me. Basically he said that he was used to being solitary and explained that he'd never been in a relationship. He was worried that he'd been pursuing me out of a nonspecific desire for a relationship--not because of me alone. However, he said he definitely liked me and that this worry was newly conceived. I told him, since we hadn't been seeing each other long, that I thought some of his worries were premature. But I also said that I would heed his concerns and leave him with space to reach a conclusion about his uncertainty. Anyway, through all this, we kept seeing one another and became pretty close. We had some great conversations at points when we were both feeling relaxed. Then, after one particularly great hangout, he kind of became distant.
I eventually asked if this was due to him not being over a girl he'd fallen in love with 2 years before (it had never become a mutual relationship). He confessed that he did have some lingering feelings for her, because she was part of his group of friends still. At that point, we discussed breaking things off, but he went back on that and said that I was "really awesome and supportive and that things just felt right." Obviously I was a little skeptical of all of these circumstances combined and was considering backing off myself.
Nonetheless, after our recent school vacation (during which we both put space between each other), he's been acting really strange and hard to read. He keeps in touch with me over text even though he acts sheepish while we're working together. Today we flirted a lot and he was making an effort to be near me. But he's made no move to see me outside of school.
Right now I'm just annoyed at this seeming loss of interest and debating whether I should ask him outright if he has any desire to see me outside of school in future (as a friend or more). But I dunno if that would be too pushy and make a bad situation worse. Advice?

Posts: 120 | From: Florida | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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It sounds like you have been great about checking in with each other and being honest so far, and I don't see a reason to stop that now. His behavior has changed, so you have every right and reason to ask him about that.

Of course, it is also up to you to decide whether you want to continue to pursue this relationship with someone who appears so conflicted. That might be something to consider and decide for yourself before you ask him for a conversation, so you know where you stand and what you want.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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she_who_questions
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I just can't get over the sense that I'd be bothering him. And that my pride would remain more intact if I let things unfold or disappear on their own (gradually). But I do feel ruffled about the whole thing and embarrassed for wanting an explanation.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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How do you feel about him?

In other words, looking at your posts in this thread, I am having a hard time getting a feel for if this is a developing relationship you feel excited about and really want to keep pursuing or not. I am hearing what sounds like more negatives about him and your interactions than positives, but I can't know if that's because you feel there are, or if that's just what you chose to talk about here so far.

Knowing how you feel and what you want in that regard would help me best figure out what to suggest.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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she_who_questions
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I'm definitely very attracted to him. I like his way of seeing the world, his kindness, and his humor. Physically we're very in tune with one another. Being close helps us both get over our respective hangups and actually talk. But in a lot of situations I find myself disappointed by his self-consciousness, lack of self-awareness and lack of initiative. I think I might just be scaling back my feelings in response to his distance/internal conflict. When I think about our best dates, I think I could possibly fall for that person though. If he acted consistently.
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Sam W
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Ok, so it does sound like he has qualities that you find attractive and appealing. Heather is out for the evening, so I am not sure of the advice she had in mind, but I thought I would give you one thing to consider It seems like you saw a good potential for a relationship with that version of him, and are hoping that this same version will re-emerge and become the consistent personality. But, when dating, it's good to keep in mind that we don't date someone's potential. We date the person as they exist now.

So, if are you interested in dating him flaws and all (or being his friend), then I think it's completely sound to ask him where you two stand in terms of your relationship.

[ 02-27-2014, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: Sam W ]

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