Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Trouble orgasming + bisexuality

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Trouble orgasming + bisexuality
afastmachine129
Neophyte
Member # 109518

Icon 1 posted      Profile for afastmachine129     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Advance apology for rambling like a crazy person, 'case I do that. A lot.

So, a little backstory. My boyfriend(19) and I(18) have been dating for about six months. This is both of our first serious relationship (he's had other girlfriends before and I'd never been in a romantic relationship), so we're both new to lots of things. We've been having sex for almost as long as we've been together, and it's been great for the most part. We mesh together nearly perfectly in a lot of ways and we surprisingly have found ourselves falling much harder than expected. We're in agreement that this is pretty serious and there are things in play because of the fact that we've chosen to go serious instead of staying casual. There have been a few discussions we've had to have together, but it's been pretty amazing thus far; we've figured out how to communicate and talk things out without getting into arguments. Additionally, we both have pretty high sex drives; we have sex nearly every day, and sometimes as many as three times a day when we can, so we manage to squeeze quite a bit of physical and emotional intimacy into our relationship.
Unfortunately, there are two issues that we have that persist despite lots of talking it out and trying to help each other find a good middle ground.

I'm gonna go with the more physical issue first; despite all the (great) sex we're having, I've never been able to come. As of late, I've gotten close, but no cigar. Before I invested in some vibrators and dildos(before I was in a relationship) I could never make myself come, and it's still at the point where I can only come from vibrators. Fingers on my clit just don't cut it, and, in fact, feel uncomfortable a lot of the time. When my boyfriend touches me there during sex, usually it's uncomfortable and just awkward for me, so I usually just encourage him to touch me in other places (and by now he's realized I'm not too fond of it so he doesn't really do it). When I have gotten close to coming while we're having sex, it's been purely because of penetration and hard/fast sex with good angles and stuff. Unfortunately, the same things that get me close are the same things that make him come, so no matter how hard he tries to stop himself, he starts to come and has to pull out(we use the shot + pull out for BC) whenever I'm hitting that last little peak before the grand finale. He really hates that he can't make me come; in fact, without fail, every time, he's frustrated and upset with himself and incredibly apologetic for coming and not making me come, despite the fact that I tell him over and over again it's ok; I do honestly enjoy sex a lot even without orgasming. We've tried pretty much everything we can think of; he actually likes going down on me, and while it feels fantastic, it doesn't get me anywhere near close. Fingering feels great, but again, nothing. He's always felt guilty about not being able to make me come, and lately has made it his sole mission during sex(which, while it's great to feel taken care of, sometimes I wanna take care of him, y'know?). He's a really honestly caring person and he tries really hard to understand what I need and to work with me, and really, our sex life is fantastic apart from that one little thing.

But, tied into that, he hates the fact that I still have sex toys and use them occasionally. He says they make him feel bad and inadequate(especially the dildos), which I completely understand, and I think I probably would be more willing to not use them/get rid of them if they weren't the only thing that made me come. He hates to think about them/me mention them/anything. I've tried to delicately broach the subject of using a vibrator during sex and I even tried it once after he came myself, but it just felt uncomfortable and I couldn't come because I knew he was awkwardly just kind of trying to snuggle with me. I think we're more comfortable with each other now and it would probably be easier, and I'd like to actually include him in using toys so that it's not him watching me get myself off but him helping me come, but he's still really uncomfortable and stuff and the one time I obliquely mentioned it he seemed nervous and so I dropped it. I've also tried to occasionally bring up other things we could try that I know are a turn on for me (spanking, bondage, dirty talk, rough sex, etc.) but he doesn't usually seem to enjoy them as much as I do and so I feel bad about that(though he's perfectly willing, I just don't want him to be getting nothing out of it).

Right now, I don't mind not coming from sex. I've always sort of seen orgasming as lovely but the build-up and stuff is just as great. But I'm scared I'm eventually going to get bitter or angry or that he'll keep getting more and more frustrated and upset with himself and either of those will cause a rift between us because sex is such a large part of our relationship, and just...stopping having sex isn't really an option. We were away from each other for about a week once and when he came back we spent all day in bed getting reacquainted. I don't know how to deal with where we've found ourselves or how to get around it or if there is a way or if we just have to wait it out or what. I really feel like maybe bringing a vibrator into our sex life would help things tremendously but I also don't want to do anything he's uncomfortable with of course. I'm usually quite the problem solver but this is something I just can't quite figure out and that fact alone bothers me.


Aaaand...I rambled a lot and I'm sorry because the second problem is probably gonna be just as rambly. Sorry!

Obviously, I'm bi. I told the boyfriend that on our second date because I wanted to be sure that he knew, because it is a part of who I am and my past is tied into that and I tend to make offhand comments about women that would quickly lead to him thinking I like girls even if I hadn't brought it up. And if he was going to reject me for it, I wanted it to be early on before there was a strong attachment. But I told him, and he seemed surprised and a little uncomfortable, but I just chalked that up to the fact that it was kind of a shock. Every time I've mentioned being attracted to women or making an offhand comment about threesomes or wanting to sleep with a woman he's gotten really closed off or sensitive and I never really understood; I couldn't understand if he was hiding homophobia or if he was jealous or what, but I eventually stopped being an ******* and just shut up about it. Well, recently he revealed some personal information that made me understand why he's uncomfortable with it; he repeatedly caught his mother cheating on his father with another woman when he was in middle school, and so he obviously has some serious and understandable issues. He's admitted that he was terrified when I told him I was bi because he already felt a strong connection to me and didn't want to become his father, basically. And I now understand why he's been slightly possessive and jealous and openly affectionate; he's very scared of the same thing happening to him. I've assured him I don't see the sense in cheating and I would never do it and I think he's finally comfortable around me and knows me well enough for it not to worry him anymore(the cheating thing), but, he still struggles with the fact that I'm bi. He's still scared that one day I might leave him for a woman, and he still has very real problems when I mention finding a woman attractive or let slip something about my past(relationships/friendships with other girls) or am around my best friend, with whom I'm extremely comfortable. And I've always been very expressive and sexual, and I have a bad habit of not knowing when to shut up/letting comments slip that I KNOW bother him but I just don't think before I speak. He knows I'm with him, not anyone else, and while I find it easy to be like I'm with you but I still find other people attractive, he struggles with accepting that.

I'm trying to adjust myself so it doesn't bother him so much and he's trying to accept that I am the way I am and we're trying really hard to meet each other half-way in this regard, but I don't know if we're doing it right. I don't want to change who I am completely or try to mask the fact that I find people, men and women, attractive and I just can't help it. But at the same time I know that he's got some serious childhood trauma and stuff he never should have had to experience and it's selfish to just be like well I'm the way I am and he needs to just get over it. I don't know if we just need to give it time, or what. I love him, and I'd change if I could, but I know I can't, and I know that's not the path to a healthy relationship either. I know he feels the same way, too. I haven't talked much about him but he's very caring and sweet and head-over-heels in love with me and he would do anything he could to make me happy and make us happy together. But it just seems like these two things keep coming up and I love him and our relationship so much that I'm scared how they'll effect us in the long run. So basically I just need some reassurances/advice/suggestions/whatever y'all can give about us. I kind of typed this up in a rush and so I'm not sure if I've messed up or left anything out but I'm too nervous to re-read it right now so I guess I'm going to post it.

If you've made it reading this far I'd like to offer virtual cookies and lots of thanks for any suggestions or comments. [Smile]

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi, afastmachine, and welcome to the boards. I'll definitely have some of those cookies, then, nom [Smile]

So, I'm hearing that you want to orgasm during sex with your boyfriend, but the ways you both are currently having sex aren't quite doing it for you; that you orgasm by yourself with toys, but your boyfriend isn't happy about using them with you or about you using them at all.

My first comment is at that point. What any of us do during solo sex isn't really for anyone else to have an opinion on (unless of course we're making them an unwilling watcher or using their stuff, which obviously does involve another person, and clearly isn't the case here). Your solo sex life is yours and yours alone, in your own time and privacy, with your own body and belongings. Your boyfriend can have thoughts and feelings about it, sure, but those are something separate, because your solo sex life doesn't involve and isn't about him.

You say that he feels inadequate that you don't orgasm from the kinds of partnered sex you have together. He's certainly not the only person to feel like that, but that doesn't mean all of those people are approaching it through a helpful lens. I'd suggest he - and they - are very much not approaching it through a fitting lens, but instead a lens that makes it all kinds of oddly shaped. Someone orgasming isn't about achievement, or adequacy, of their partner. Orgasm is a nervous system response to a collection of complex things in the brain and the body. If a person's body doesn't respond to any action of their partner's body, it doesn't mean that the partner is doing anything wrong or inadequate in any way - it's just about what sensations your body does and doesn't respond to.

When a partner is reluctant to use different methods that Do give pleasure or orgasm - like toys - that suggests that the partner is more concerned with or focused on their own feelings of inadequacy than on their partner's pleasure.

You have the right to be who you feel you are and who you want to be in any relationship. You shouldn't feel like you have to change some aspect of yourself or cover up some aspect of yourself because it makes another person unhappy or insecure. Your boyfriend has a right to feel however he feels about things that happened in his childhood, and to be upset by that. However, you are not his mother, and it's not fair to you that he's bringing his feelings about what happened in his family and putting them directly onto you. If his household was unhappy and insecure, it wouldn't be surprising if he was left with some difficulties around trust and security. He - any of us - should not behave with people in our lives as if they were other people who hurt us. Having a firm line on that isn't about not being sympathetic or caring for someone's difficulties and past hurt, it's about knowing that we are not responsible for hurt that someone else did. If he is having difficulty around his family and childhood, the right thing for him to do is to deal with that for itself, likely in therapy.

It sounds like he could do with understanding - either rationally or emotionally - that his mother cheating with another woman was simply about his mother, and not about all bi women. Having someone close to us be uncomfortable with us on the grounds of our orientation, or some other fundamental thing, is going to feel all kinds of not-ok. You trying to meet him half-way with things is usually a really admirable thing to do, but with something like orientation, I'm struggling to imagine a half-way: if you're bi, you're bi, and however uncomfortable he is about that, it's not something you can become only half of.

I know I said a lot here - I hope that's ok with you, as you opened with a lot [Smile] . How would you like to take the conversation from here, and what would you like to focus on?

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
afastmachine129
Neophyte
Member # 109518

Icon 1 posted      Profile for afastmachine129     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Honestly, I strongly suspected that I would get a response similar to this, but I guess I needed someone else to say it first? I have struggled a lot in the past and still deal with it to a degree about rejection and a fear of telling someone what I genuinely think because of it. I talked it over with him that I was planning on making a post to this site asking for advice, so he is open to seeing if we can get help because he knows how much these things have bothered me. I'm planning on showing this to him and having a talk about it (and make sure I haven't misrepresented how he feels, too!) and seeing where we take things together from there and see if we feel like there's more advice or thoughts to be sought on the matter.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sometimes it can be really helpful to get confirmation, or validation, of something we'd been thinking from someone else.

If you'd like to talk more at any point about any of this, or if you'd like any help figuring out how to communicate about any of this with your boyfriend, we're happy to help you out. Is there anything from us that would be helpful for you at this point?

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
afastmachine129
Neophyte
Member # 109518

Icon 1 posted      Profile for afastmachine129     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, yesterday I showed him your reply not too long after I replied back, and he was quiet, but he did say (twice) that "they have a point" and that you made sense. I assured him that we didn't have to talk about it right then and he could think about what was said before we really discussed it(mostly because we weren't alone in the house together at that time).

We had a good rest of the day and everything until we were talking on the phone last night and he decided to bring it up. He sort of danced around it for a while and I told him I didn't really want him to make a choice or anything right away without thinking about it but he assured me that he had and it was only going to continue to bother him if he didn't talk about it. So we sort of talked; I did a lot of talking and reassuring and he just hummed and sounded noncommittal. Eventually he said I could use toys when he left(he's going to be leaving for the military in a few months), and I said that wasn't addressing our actual current issue (and that I felt like he was saying I was "allowed" to do something that didn't involve him in the slightest). He sort of hemmed and hawed and I told him again that he didn't have to try to figure it all out right this minute, but he kept saying that he had to. Eventually he just came right out and told me straight up that "that" (meaning toys) was my thing and it wasn't about him and he didn't want to be involved and that it was all me.

Needless to say, we didn't talk much else about anything after that, since I was feeling very hurt. I didn't want to talk to him about how I was feeling on the phone since I hate phone discussions and much prefer face to face ones, so I just ended the phone call and went to sleep. But I've been up for a couple hours and I can't stop thinking about it. And it keeps making me feel like I'm not worth it to him. Maybe he didn't intend it that way, but it feels like my happiness or my pleasure isn't even worth enough to him to a) actually think about things for longer than a couple hours b) even consider trying to overcome his own insecurities for and c) try something new. It just keeps bothering me because it doesn't feel like love, or affection, or caring, or anything good.

I mean, when we first started dating, I'd never given a blowjob before and I wasn't exactly comfortable with it even though I sometimes fantasized about it, something I expressed to him. He was disappointed, since that had previously been a large part of his sex life, but he wasn't going to push it. It only took about a week for me to realize I cared more about him and trying new things with him than having a fear of something when I knew exactly what it entailed. And now I genuinely love giving blowjobs and it's great. I just feel like he doesn't know how to do the same thing I did. And sure, he has reasons for saying what he said and acting the way he is, just like I had reasons for not wanting to give blowjobs, but it still feels like he's choosing himself over our relationship in a way. And maybe I'm overreacting emotionally, I don't know. But that was my first response, really, to feel betrayed.

I'm going to see him for a little while in a couple hours to work out together, but he has class all day so I'm not sure if I'll get to see him again and if we'll be able to talk today about it. He says he doesn't think our sex life is going to get stale or boring, and I just want to snap back that it's fine for him to say that; he's getting everything he could want out of it. I just really don't know how to approach things right now because of my emotions being all twisted up.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I would have been pretty miffed, too, at his telling you you could use toys. That sounds to me, too, like he is telling you what you are and are not allowed to do, which obviously he does not get to do.

Really, I think all the feelings you are having are both valid and sound.

Can you make time soon to voice all of these feelings to him?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I would also add that it sounds like, for now, it might be a good idea to consider taking sex together off the table while you both instead out more energy into addressing these conflicts and seeing if you can't get to some kind of resolution you bith feel good about.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
afastmachine129
Neophyte
Member # 109518

Icon 1 posted      Profile for afastmachine129     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think I'm going to get to talk to him this evening and see how it goes; I was sort of still dwelling on it this morning when we were working out, which of course he noticed, so he knows I'm not cool with everything in our relationship right now. And I think you're right about the sex, too, though I'm sure there will be a discussion there too.

[ 02-06-2014, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: afastmachine129 ]

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
afastmachine129
Neophyte
Member # 109518

Icon 1 posted      Profile for afastmachine129     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, we talked. And he reaffirmed the fact that he sees our relationship as the most important thing for him and he doesn't want to lose it. So we talked. A lot. And I don't think I realized how hurt I was until I started talking about it. But I think we sorted things out. We're not going to do anything right away(in fact, I talked with him about not having sex for a few days just so we're on the same page with things) and move really slow for a bit and make sure we're trying to work together on everything. We're in agreement about trying harder to work together, and I communicated how I felt like I was trying really hard and it didn't feel like he was putting as much effort in and he finally seemed to understand where I was coming from and expressed a desire to prove just how much he does care about me and us together. I really can't explain it because it all kinda feels like an emotional blur but I think we're out better on this side if that makes sense. I'm still sort of upset by him and hurt but we're working on it.
So, um, thanks very much to the both of you for your help and I THINK things are better, at least for now. I'll definitely be back if we have any more hiccups though on these subjects. Again, thanks guys [Smile]

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Given how big these issues are -- for both of you -- I'd suspect this is something that will take some time to work through and also feel out. In other words, how you're feeling today, you'll see, with some time and thoughts forward, how that feels for you, and then take further steps from there.

By the way, it sounds like this might be someone who could benefit on both some education about bisexuality as well as sexual anatomy and such for people with a clitoris. If you'd like me to suggest some books or links you can pass on, I'd be glad to do that for you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
afastmachine129
Neophyte
Member # 109518

Icon 1 posted      Profile for afastmachine129     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Links would be excellent! He's not in a position right now to be able to have hard-copy books on him, unfortunately, but I'd love to get a chance to show him things. Most of my learning has been really piecemeal so I really struggle trying to pass it on myself.
Speaking of education (and this is off topic a bit) did you ever find the link to the Sexual Inventory Stocklist?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Feb 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Molias     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Here are a few links to get you started: Yield for Pleasure
With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3

Google
Search Scarleteen