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Author Topic: Scared
PandaLover
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My mother is finally going to make an appointment to see a specialist for my missing periods. I'm super scared because I know that when the doctor asks if I am or was sexually active I going to break down crying. I keep telling myself that I wanted to have sex but I don't feel like that is the case. Yesturday I had an anxiety attack thinking about it. I'm worried because I read that I can hpv and I don't want my family to find out that I did have sex. A part of me wants them to know because I am so scared and I feel ashamed that I let it happen. I'm scared about finding out if I have hpv or something else wrong. I don't know what to do because while I was talking to my mother about seeing a gynocologist she was talking about sex and how you can get alot of things for it and that the majority of diseases you can get is having sex and I just wanted to break down crying. I'm afraid my family is going to hate me and be ashamed of me for having sex and that if they think that I was forced which I feel like I was because I didn't want it not fully. I felt pressured. Do you think that I'm just over reacting? I just need to talk to somebody because I just can't take it anymore I wish I never felt like I needed to do it.
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September
Scarleteen Volunteer
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I am glad to hear that you are getting healthcare, Panda. I just went to read up on your posts and it seems like you have been dealing with it for a while, so I am sure it will be good for you to finally get some answers.

One thing I can tell you right away is that you do not need to have a family member accommpany you into the exam room. You have a right to patient confidentiality, so no one needs to come with you and no one needs to find out what you discuss with the doctor.

As for how to talk to the doctor, that depends more on what you feel comfortable with. I know Heather has talked to you before about how important it is to be honest with a healthcare provider. However if you are not comfortable saying that you have had sex, because what happened did not feel consensual to you, then you can absolutely say that you had non-consensual sex. What is important to the doctor is what kind of activities happened, because that is the information they need to best take care of you.

And it is okay to be upset, as well. Doctor's visits can be times of high anxiety for lots of people and for lots of reasons, so even if you did cry, you would not be the first person to do so in that doctor's office.

If it helps you to hear someone's personal experience, I also went to get checked for STIs after my first sexual experience, which was also non-consensual. I cried quite a bit during that visit with my doctor, and it wasn't one of the more pleasant experiences of my life. But all in all I am glad that I went, and that - it was positive for me in that it allowed me to do something healthy and beneficial for myself.

Maybe you can try and look at it that way? You are taking charge of your needs and going out to get reproductive healthcare. That is big, important stuff and you can be proud of yourself for that.

I hope this helps a little. If you want to talk more about dealing with your exprience and the feeling that you were pressured, we're happy to listen, as well.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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PandaLover
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Will the specialist say tell my mother I had non consenual sex? I don't know what I am going to do if I find out I have an abnormal pap, I just have the worst feeling that I do have abnormal cells. I read online about so many people getting hpv even without having sex and it scares me that I might have it. As for the experience everytime he would ask to have sex I would always say no but he kept on pushing me and pushing me. I thought I really liked this guy and so I thought that if I said ok to it that he wouldn't leave me. It took awhile for it to happen though and everytime he would ask me to come over so we can do it I would try to make an excuse and I would feel so scared and worried that he would find out I was lying. Finally the day came and I went to his house and I can't remember if he asks me or if I just said to do it out of fear but it happend. I just remember afterwards feeling like things were not okay and so I kept saying excuses that I couldn't see him and finally I got the courage to talk over the phone saying that I couldn't do this stuff anymore and that I wasn't ready and that I was sorry. He said he understood and we left it at that and we never did that kind of stuff again. Whenever I think back to it I just feel sick like I want to throw up. I don't think its entirely his fault, part of it was mine not saying how I truly felt. The way I feel about the whole thing is getting worse as days go by and I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I just hope that everything goes okay at the doctors and that I don't have hpv or any other sexual diseases. He was a virgin and so was I and we did have protected sex but we did do oral and I am worried that could cause me to have hpv but I read somewhere that it is a low risk but still a risk. How can Make myself feel better about this whole thing? How did you move past your experience?
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September
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No, the doctor cannot talk to your parents about anything that you tell them. Doctors are bound by laws of patient confidentiality.

If you had protected intercourse, then your risk is very low. So chances are good that you have nothing to worry about. But even if the doctor does find something, that does not mean that your life is over. There are options for treatments, and we can talk about all of that with you should there be a need to. But from what you've said, again, it does not sound likely.

I have to leave now, but I will be back later to answer the rest of your questions.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Heather
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Just so it is clear, HPV, the genital strains of it, are ONLY transmitted by direct contact with someone's genitals. So, if you have read anyone online saying they never, ever had that contact and got HPV, you need to know they are either being dishonest, or not understanding how they acquired HPV, through some kind of genital or oral-genital contact with someone else.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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PandaLover
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So I can't get hpv from oral? There are alot of stories saying that they were a virgin and got it. Some say that they go it from having multiple partners. So theres a low risk that I might have hpv? I didn't have direct contact like genital to genital and may websites say it really depends on how many partners someone had. We were both virgins and we were safe. We only did it once. We also weren't active for that long, maybe three months and even then it wasn't that many days that we did things. So hpv can only be transmitted through un safe sex?
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Heather
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Yes, HPV can be orally acquired: as I said, it can be acquired via genital sex or contact, including oral-genital contact. That way of acquiring it, and oral HPV period, is far more rare than genital-to-genital acquisition, but it can happen.

Having oral, vaginal or anal sex without using any barriers for safer sex is, yes, usually how HPV is transmitted or acquired. However, it will still be spread sometimes even whepeople are using barriers, as barriers do not provide complete protection from HPV, but around 60 - 70 percent. That is a lot better than none, by a long shot, but again, it is still not total protection.

HPV, though, can also only be transmitted by someone who has a given strain to someone who does not. If your partner for the one time you did have any kind of sex with someone else had truly never had any other partner but tou for any kind of sex, then HPV is not something you were at risk of acquiring frohim because he could not have had it.

[ 12-05-2013, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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PandaLover
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How does someone get it? If I have another partner in the future I'll have a higher chance of getting it? I know for a fact that he has not had any sexual contact. So I have a low chance of getting hpv?
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Heather
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By having direct genital contact - be that with their genitals or mouths - with someone else who has it.

With any STI, the more partners we have, the greater our chances are of picking one up, just like if we walk across the street ten times, versus once, there is a greater chance we will be hit by a car. Make sense?

Again, if your partner had had no partners before you for any kind of sex, then your risk of all STIs would have been very low to none.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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PandaLover
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Thank goodness, I was so worried. Thank you so much for making things clear. I have learned so much thank you. Thank you so much!
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Heather
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You are quite welcome. Know you can also ask your doctor for any more information about STIs or safer sex you like.

By the way, if sayng out loud that you have engaged in any kind of sex to a healthcare provider is too hard, you can always just include that in any health forms you fill out in writing, or even just writeit on a note, with anything else you feel will be way hard to say out loud. And give them that note, too.

Getting healthcare should not be scary or traumatic, but we know that for some people it is. The good news is, there are often ways of making it less so. Is there anything else you think might make this experience more comfortable for you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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PandaLover
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Is there any way to make the process of the appointment more comfortable?
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Heather
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That is why I asked what you felt would make your visit more comfortable for you: what do YOU need that you think would accomplish that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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PandaLover
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How can I be more comfortable with the specialist checking down there? I feel like I will be embarrassed about them looking around there and be resistant. Is there any way to calm myself down enough for them to check?
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Heather
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One of the best things you can do is just to tell them you feel that way right frkthe start: even at reception, or when filling out your health history and intake forms. Then let the nurse yiu see first know, then the doctor.

That waythey will treat you like a first time patient, who are typically nervous. They will ask what you need to be comfortable, talk you through anything if you ask them to, and so forth.

I find it often helps people to recognize that a sexual health doctors sees gentals, genitals, genitals every day. To them, they are mo different from any other body part, besides the understanding people treat and think about them differntly, so good providers make an effort to be sensitive about that. But really, this is nothing like, say, sharing your body with sex, per how a doctor views and experiences things. They just happen to be looking at a body part that is one of the parts they are educated to help you take care of, just like if it was your spleen, not your vagina..

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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PandaLover
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Ok. If I tell them to explain everything and if everything looks okay they will let me know? Will they take blood work or anything like thar or would they just examine the genitals?
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Karybu
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They will let you know if everything looks okay, yes, but you can always ask as well. Whether or not they do any blood tests depends on what they think the problem may be, but you can ask at the beginning what kind of tests they think might be necessary.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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PandaLover
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Ok thank you for your help.
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PandaLover
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I have one last question. If someone gives oral can they effect somebody's genitals? or do you just get hpv in the mouth? Is the only way to get hpv is through genital to genital contact?
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PandaLover
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What I mean like can oral cause hpv to be in the genitals. I know you can get hpv from oral and through sex.
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Sam W
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As Heather mentioned, someone can contract HPV by having direct genital contact - be that with their genitals or mouths - with someone else who has it.
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September
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Panda, I just wanted to answer the other question you asked me yesterday, about moving past my experience. One of the things that really helped me was finding people I could confide in and talk to - and the first place I could do that was Scarleteen. So if you want to talk more about what happened and how you feel about it, this is a great place to do it and myself and the other volunteers, as well as many of our users, will be here to listen and support you.

Aside from Scarleteen, I also eventually found a counselor to talk to. If that is something you are intersted in doing, as well, we can help you look through your options.

And, of course, it also helped me to learn with time that I could assert my boundaries and have them be respected. That is something I had to work on for myself in small ways, but also later with other partners.

I hope some of that is helpful for you, as well. And I am keeping my fingers crossed for you for that appointment!

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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PandaLover
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Thank you for being there for me. Since I have talked to you guys I finally feel like I can move past this but its going to take time. My mother is making the appointment after christmas but I wish it would come here sooner. I just want to know that everything is okay and that theres nothing wrong with me. If I know that then I know I can move past all of this or try to. I know now that I will protect myself more and not let anybody pressure me into doing anything I'm not ready. The thing is i think that if I don't see the guy anymore or associate myself with him that I can feel better but the problem is that my best friend is best friends with him and its going to be hard to do that. I don't really have any friends that I can talk to about this because they have all gone to college and are very busy. I also can't talk to family about it because they would never understand or believe me. I think thats what makes it worse is not being able to tell loved ones how I am feeling. However after the appointment I think I will feel better because I will be able to talk about it and the specialist will
Be able to help me by telling me that they will check everything out and see if everything is ok. After I do have the appointment I will talk to you guys more about and possibly start the process of healing and also talk about anything the doctor tells me that I need like a procedure or something if it comes to that.

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PandaLover
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What type of counslers can I talk to? I don't want my parents to spend anymore money than they have to. I Keep getting anxiety attacks about the whole thing and it keeps getting worse everytime I think about my doctors appointments. I know my risk of having hpv is very low. Is it only a low chance because I did have sexual intercourse but protected and because of it not being 100% preventable from hpv is the low chance I have? I want to ask my doctor questions but I don't know what to ask? Do you have any suggestions?
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