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Author Topic: i dont get aroused and it is frustrating!
arwen
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Member # 109019

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This is a very frustrating problem but i never get turned on. I have been in many relationships but none of the guys have managed to turn me on. When i masterbate i have no sexual fantasies. I watch porn and do it. My current boyfriend is very well built and goodlooking and i am always in awe of his physical beauty but even he cannot turn me on. I dont know whats wrong with me.please help...
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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When you have gotten into these romantic or sexual relationships, have you entered them only if the people you are entering them with are people who turn you on? If not, can I ask why you pursued those relationships from the start as sexual, or potentially sexual, relationships?

Do you feel like you have given yourself time away from dating, away from porn to really find out what your own sexuality is like, all by itself? Time as in years, potentially?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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arwen
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No. It wasnt sexual. I chose these guys because they were cool and fun and interesting and popular. Some of these guys were abusive, but others were really great and i loved them. But it was never sexually arousing.
As for porn,i started watching it 2yrs ago. Before that i did not watch anything nor did i masterbate. And i dont watch it regularly. Strange but even when i do watch porn i get aroused by the girl,not the guy. This made me think i was a lesbian but when i tried it with girls i was kinda disgusting.
There is another thing that i have never told anyone because i am so ashamed of it...the only time i get aroused is when i play no part in the foreplay. When the man is sort of seducing me and i am either resisting or pretending to be asleep or something. This turns me on. And in my imagination the man is always a lot older than me. I have tried this fantasy as a roleplay with my bf but when i know its just acting,it nolonger works for me. Whats wrong with me? Am i a pervert???

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Heather
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Okay. So, first things first? Nix dating people you don't feel emotionally or sexually attracted to. You are not likely to figure out who you are attracted to, and who does excite you, if you just keep dating without those feelings. As well, it is not that big of a deal not to feel aroused if you are not putting yourself in sexual situations with other people, just like it is no big deal not to be hungry if you are not being forced to eat, or going places where you are expected to.

Sexual thoughts of any kind do not mean someone is a "pervert." They are only thoughts. And by all means, if those kinds of things are things you want to role play with a partner in the future, there are ways of doing that fully consensually.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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arwen
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i am insanely attached to my current boyfriend. I cant imagine life without him. But after reading what you wrote i'm understanding that i am not sexually attracted to this particular man. In this case what do i do? And also, i get attracted to people who are quite old and behave like a dad. Is that strange?
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Heather
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In terms of your boyfriend, not every kind of relationship will be the right one for us and someone else. Sometimes we have to try a few different kinds to find out what fits. How might you feel for instance about shifting your relationship to a close friendship?

At the very least, if you do not want to be sexual with this person, and do not have those feelings, you will want to take sex off the table. Engaging in sex we do not really want, and that never excites us tends to trash relationships and also impact our sexuality poorly.

People feeling attracted to people who remind them of parents is common enough. It can be just because that is who they find attractive, or it can be because of things like missing a parent or parent figure, wanting a partner to take all the responsibility, or a hist of things that are problematic. Only you can really have a sense of where this might be coming from, and if it is something you can just let be, or something where you might want to try and work on or resolve something underneath it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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arwen
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my father is a rather selfish man who thinks providong for his own family is an unfair deal. He has never protected me or been there for me. My other is diagnosed with NPD. My family life sucks big time. I have felt like a burden for as long as i can remember. My 1st bf was 8yrs older to me and initially gave me everything i wanted from my father. But then he changed. his therapist later diagnosed that he too had NPD. Strange coincidence. So maybe thats why i'm looking for a fatherly man. You are right. Thank you so much!!!
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Heather
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So, sounds to me like it is pretty likely you are looking for a father figure, honestly, and probably want to start finding some healthy ways to resolve your feelings. You also can seek out father figures to actually kind of play that role, rather than sexualizing the situation. Mentors and coaches, for example, can often provide us with a lot of the emotional things we look for from parents.

Really, while I do not know the situation with your boyfriend, someone we are romantically and sexually involved in is always going to fail us if we are looking for them to be a parent to us because that is not the kind of relationship we have with a parent. Sexual and romantic relationships, to be healthy, need to be about partners who are peers, who are equals, not where one person is taking a parent role and the other person the role of a child. Make sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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arwen
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Yes i do understand. Just one other question. I sometimes have strange dreams about having sex with my own dad and when i get up in the morning i am completely repulsed. Is this normal?
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Heather
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Again, sexual thoughts are just that: thoughts. And human beings tend to have a wide range of them.

But again, if you are asking me about this, I would say the theme of you needing to resolve your feelings about your father, which are understandably tough and complex, is pervasive. That's something, were I you, I would start putting some time and energy into.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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arwen
Neophyte
Member # 109019

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I see.thank you very much.you have really helped me out.i'll go to a therapist then.i hope things will get better.thanks a lot. :-)
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