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Author Topic: confused about my relationship
Cristina
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Me and my boyfriend have been dating for ten months now and things have definetly changed. After I had my first pregnancy scare I got paranoid and every thing. Anyway now a days im easily angered and stuff but I get mad at him easily so the other day we were just messing around (not sexualy just playfuly)and he randomly bit my arm and would not let go and he bit it harder when I told him to stop. I got mad at him for that and then he got mad at me for getting mad at him. And then he made me cry infront of my friends and later on he apologized but I was to hurt and said no and that I was done (but we mess around like thT and never mean it) so the next day he was being really mean to me and then I found out that he had let this girl sit on his lap and I felt destroyed. And again he made me cry infront of all my friend and so there was this guy we used to be friend with but he staarted being mean to us so we just ignored him later on he apologized but my bf still held a grudge and I went and hung outbwith him to get back at my bf (during lunch but all i did was talk to the guy nothing else)my bf obvioisly was mad and said he didn't care and I cried all through my classes. When I got home I called him and he said that I was a whore and that he hated me and I kept begging and begging but he kept saying mean things so i hung up then he called me a few times but I ignored him he left me voice mails but i hadn't heard them so i called him and he said thank god cause he thought. I had killed myself. Apperantly the voice mail said that if I answer he would get back with me and I asked him if him thinking I was gonna kill myself was the only reason he would go out with me and he said yeah and that he didn't want to go to jail for that. So I cried. But eventully we somewhat made up and then he told me he had watched porn and I don't like him doing that and made me feel worse. Also he has this friend and his friend is always mean to me infront of him and my bf doesn't say anything to him because my bf says he is only defending him from me. And so today my bf said the only reason I said all of that hurtful stuff is so that I don't seem like a little B**** in front of him when I tell him and I got so depressed more than I was. And I still am. I get jelous easily and I love him more than anyone he is the only person who listen to me and has been there for me during my whole precnancy scare. And if we do break up...I just could not stand seeing him with another girl I just couldnt. And I feel so empty without him but I know this relationship is unhealthy. I ju don't know what to do. Please any advice? [Confused]

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-thisgirl sprinkles

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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Hey Cristina!

This sounds like a lot of complex stuff going on with you guys. I would agree with you that it sounds unhealthy and for me, you saying that sounds like you're already making the first step towards making things better for yourself.

I get that he was there for you when you needed him, and that he has been good at listening to you in the past... but it also sounds to me that you have become really invested in the rivalry and jealousy stuff between you guys... That can really pull you in to a relationship because it demands you to think about stuff so much, but it is also really stressful. It sounds like you're feeling all that. Does that sound fair?

I would think that either you folks could end this relationship as a romantic thing (After all as a friend, couldn't he still listen to you and be there for you, and you for him?) Or you could agree to radically change the relationship, no more jealous stuff, or 'getting back' at each other, allowing friends to be mean to each other, and hearing each other out when something is upsetting.

I don't think it was cool that he didn't stop biting you when you asked, that isn't very respectful towards your body. I would personally look at whether that sort of improvement would be possible, and if not I would think that shifting to friendship would be a much better and much happier arrangement.

How does that sound to you?

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September
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Oh Cristina. I have to agree with your assessment: this relationship is deeply unhealthy.

What do you think that you need in your life in order to feel ready to break up with him? What is it that scares you about being without him?

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Cristina
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I just don't know I'm so confused I love him I do but I can't trust him anymore and he told me that if we did break up he would go and flirt with girls infront of me. Just a while ago we were talking and I asked him that If he really loved me...than why would you treat me like this to impress your friend and he got mad and said to stop brining up the past. I told him that it's not like this happend years ago it just recently. And that I wasn't going to be ok for a while...then again he got mad I started crying and was making fun of me for that so I just hung up.

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-thisgirl sprinkles

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Heather
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I was just saying to someone the other day that I find one of the toughest lessons we have to learn in life, and hardest parts of it, is learning that loving someone doesn't mean they're good for us, or we for each other, and loving doesn't mean it's safe or sound for us to be with someone.

Someone who treats you like this doesn't love you: you know that's not how we treat people we love. maybe he's just not capable of love, probably not just with you, who knows, but you do know verbal and emotional abuse isn't safe or sound for you, or something to keep putting yourself around.

I think the questions Joey asked are really important, and can result in excellent cues of how to get yourself safe and away from this, as well as feeling way better about yourself soon: "What do you think that you need in your life in order to feel ready to break up with him? What is it that scares you about being without him?"

If you don't know the answers to those right now, maybe sit down, think about them, and try writing some things out, even just for yourself, to see what comes up?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cristina
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In order for me to break up with him I would need to not love him or at least immune to him hurting me or making me jelous. Im scared that I just couldn't love anyone else. I've told him every thing. And we've done things and I just couldn't do that with anyone else. Id just feel like a whore. I've just grown so attached that if we aren't together like in a relationship I feel bad because I start thinking he with another girl or something.

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-thisgirl sprinkles

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Heather
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You know, I'm not a big fan of the word "whore," or what people usually mean when they say that, but what that word is is a synonym for prostitution. What a prostitute is is someone who engages in sex for the exchange of money. If that is not something you have done, that's not a word that has anything to do with you. If that is something you have done, we can certainly talk about that if you'd like.

Really, if we feel we can't leave unhealthy relationships that are making us feel terrible, and likely will only continue to do so, unless we become unattached or stop loving a person, we've got a pretty big problem. Same goes for feeling we can't leave bad relationships because we don't want someone to ever be with someone else. Because that's just not going to be a healthy framework for your life, nor will it result in you having healthy relationships.

The good news is, there is help for that.

(The other good news is that most of the things you are feeling you're talking about here in this relationship are likely BECAUSE you are in this relationship and its dynamics. Outside of it, chances are good a lot of these feelings would diminish, possibly even very quickly. Kind of like being on a ride that's making you dizzy, saying you feel so dizzy, but then once you get off, that dizziness fades away, because you've gotten off the thing making you feel that way.)

All the things you're listing here are things counselors or therapists can help with, and are likely the best people to help you with. I know we've talked about counseling with you in another thread when you mentioned OCD. Can you fill me in on if that's something you have yet pursued or would be willing to look into pursuing?

[ 10-26-2013, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cristina
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Well I have not had sex yet, bu it would feel wrong doing things like that with someone else. Yes I am seeing therapist and I ha e an appointment monday because I felt bad about this but I just want to know exactly how or what could I do to stop being attached.

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-thisgirl sprinkles

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Heather
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Like I said, one of the biggest things you can do is to leave this relationship. I hear you in saying you don't feel able to do that yet, and I'm glad to hear you're taking a step in getting help. But when you do do that, you literally will be making a huge movement to detach yourself, which is going to help you out a lot with your attachment to this and this person.

Unfortunately, there's no instant, fast way to emotionally detach ourselves from something we have dug in deep with and been attached to. It's a process that takes time, over time.

I'd strongly encourage you to be as honest with the therapist as you have been with us about what's gone on in this relationship, how it's made you feel, how you're feeling now, and the struggles you're having in separating yourself from it even though you know it's not good for you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cristina
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Well I have not had sex yet, bu it would feel wrong doing things like that with someone else. Yes I am seeing therapist and I ha e an appointment monday because I felt bad about this but I just want to know exactly how or what could I do to stop being attached.

--------------------
-thisgirl sprinkles

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Heather
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I'm not sure we can know how something would feel when we haven't had that experience.

But again, while I'm not sure a "whore" is really what you feel like, given what that word is actually about, if you want to talk about how you feel per being sexual in some way with someone and than not being in a relationship with them, or later in life being sexual with someone else (which is going to be the case for the vast majority of the human population and always has been, as very few people ever have, or have ever had, only one sexual partner in their whole lives), we can certainly talk about that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cristina
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I just don't know what to do. Im so sad and I don't want to do anything I just wan to lay in bed.

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-thisgirl sprinkles

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Heather
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Well, just laying in bed when one feels sad is certainly an option. If that feels like what you want to do, that is something you can do.

It's okay to feel sad, and you are going to have feelings about all of this, of course you are. Allowing yourself to experience them, rather than trying to push them away, also is going to be important, as it always is, to figure out what's really best for you, what you need to do what's best for you, and to start doing that.

But I hear you saying you have one big step ready to go for Monday. That is a thing you can do and it's great you did that. But we can also only take so many steps at a time, and sometimes as we work through changing a bad situation, we're going to have times, sometimes long times, where we feel bad and that's just how we feel.

You can also do some other self-care right now, too, to support and take care of yourself, while you wait for that appointment Monday: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/selfcare_a_la_carte

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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I just want to chime in and say I totally agree with what heather and joey have said.

"What do you need to break up?" is a really good question from joey.

And when you said you need to feel immune to being hurt, I really get that too. I think I might use the word 'resilient', meaning able to get through hard feelings (rather than not having those feelings at all).

Heather's metaphor about dizziness is really great too.

When I think about it, maybe a merry-go-round, rather than a roller-coaster, is a really useful way of thinking about unhealthy relationships.

Because although you get dizzy while you're spinning round... you get even more dizzy when you get off. That is scary, but the reason you do it is because you know that after that it will get better.

There are different ways of doing that... you could ask the person on the merry-go-round with you to slow down and take it easy, so you can get off safely. Or if they don't help you, you could jump off and it'd be harder but the dizziness would still stop.

The point is, it can be hard before it gets better, but you know it's going to get better. That's what I think can be said about some unhealthy relationships, ending them is hard, you could scrape your knee jumping off the merry-go-round. But no matter what, the dizziness wears off.

You also don't need to think jumping off he merry-go-round, means you have to jump onto another one (meaning a different relationship) and worry about whether that one will be like; especially if you're still dizzy!

That's a different decision to make when you're feeling different. Nobody knows how you'd feel then.

Maybe my imagination is going wild, but what sort of cushions (support, encouragement, someone to talk to, supportive friends) do you need to land on if you're going to jump off? Those seem to me the kinds of things you could ask your therapy for advice on getting in place.

Does that make sense or did I just confuse things?

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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I saw the more recent posts... as Heather says, it does sound like you are indeed set with that stuff to do on Monday, and self care for now is a real good move. Feel free to ignore the above if you prefer to!
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Heather
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(I love what you added here, Jacob, and I think that's all really great. Cristina: if you haven't looked at what he added already, I think it could be very helpful to you per frameworks to think about this with, especially as you move forward.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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