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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Don't get fully aroused while making out, but I do in fantasies.

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Author Topic: Don't get fully aroused while making out, but I do in fantasies.
purpletemptation
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So, this is a big problem for me. I am 20 and lost my virginity with my boyfriend. I get fully aroused whenever I think of him(having sex with him, to be more accurate.) But, while I lost virginity I didn't got fully aroused. :'(
Its not like he was not good, he was just amazing and I wanted him, but still I couldn't enjoy it as much as I thought. It felt like my body didn't let me to have pleasure.
and this whole thing made my boyfriend feel like he was forcing me, but he wasn't. I mean I wanted him badly, but my body didn't, I guess. Is it normal? Or am I just being silly?

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Sam W
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Hi Purple,

I wouldn't say you're being silly. Sexual arousal can vary depending on the situation. When you were with your boyfriend, were you giving him feedback on what he was doing (what felt good, what didn't, that sort of thing)?

You also mention not enjoying it as much as you thought you would. What are your expectations in terms of what you think sex feels like?

Also, I think you might find this article useful:With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

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purpletemptation
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OMG, that article is just amazing. I skimmed it and I think it would be helpful.

And yes, he does know the "things" I like. But at that time, I don't know what happened, may be it was pain or may be something emotional(I think this is the reason, I was thrilled. Excited but feeling scared also).

As for my expectations in terms of what I thought sex feels like, umm. I would just say that if that was what it feels like then I think I am gonna think twice before having sex again. It was painful at first, but went uphill after somewhat ten minutes. But that peak excitement was not there.

Well, I will read that article in the morning. may be it helps. Currently, I just think something (may be tension or other emotion) overlapped my desire to ecstasy.

[ 11-05-2013, 04:39 PM: Message edited by: purpletemptation ]

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Molias
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If you're talking about vaginal intercourse with your boyfriend (not everyone has the same definition of virginity or what it means to "lose" it so I don't want to assume), it may be helpful to look at these articles:

From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
Yield for Pleasure

It's certainly not universal, but it's common for many women to find that intercourse just isn't the most pleasurable kind of sex. So even if you were feeling aroused at the time, it's possible that this just isn't the kind of sex that feels best for you, or that it could feel better with a slower pace or more lube. It's always ok to take a step back from a certain kind of sex and try to find something that you and your partner will really enjoy.

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Sam W
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Glad the article looks helpful.

It's totally possible that tension or other emotions was effecting your pleasure during sex. So I think it's good that you are waiting to engage in it again until you have thought more about what might be causing that tension.
I'm going to give you another article as well, since you mention there was some pain during sex
From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

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purpletemptation
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@Molias, yes I am definitely talking about vaginal intercourse. The other one seems embarrassing and unnatural to me. Anyways,I would like to know some prominent lubes. Could olive oil or coconut oil be used as one(considering that we are using latex condom)? Also, I read somewhere on this website that latex condom gets broken down when vaseline is used as a lube.


@Sam W, Yes. I am positive that emotions were the barriers between me and pleasure. And the article is just great. Thanks [Smile] I will take care next time.

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purpletemptation
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I read the article, and the points mentioned in 2nd criteria makes me feel even more confident that's my arousal was absent due to some psychological reason.
umm.. Is there any way to know if I am ready (psychologically) to engage in sexual activities?

I don't really feel guilty about having sex with my BF, but I am confused, I mean I really want to do and while foreplay I would be extremely horny but during vaginal intercourse I wont.

[ 11-06-2013, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: purpletemptation ]

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Edith_*
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Hi there Purpletemptation! [Smile]

You know? When it comes to readiness about sex, it's something very personal. It's about how YOU feel and about what YOU need to feel ready and safe, IMO. Also there is no rule for intercourse to be part -- or always be part -- of our sexual activities. If you feel like you enjoy others kinds of sex but not intercourse, that's okay. You don't have to do it, at least not yet if you don't feel truly ready for it.

Have you talked with your boyfriend about how you feel around this? If not, I advice that's a very good thing to do. Open communication between partners is so important, and sometimes just letting them know how we feel could make a BIG difference.

I don't think you have read this article so, here it goes:

Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

Hope it helps! [Smile]

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"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it " (...'cause no one else will) -Gandhi-

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Sam W
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Hi Purple,

I'm glad that you're finding the readings to be useful.

The only person who can really answer if you're psychologically ready to engage in sexual behaviors is you. However, I think taking a look at this might be helpful:http://www.scarleteen.com/message_board_cheatsheet

To answer your lube question, yes, any lube that is oil based will cause a latex condom to break down. So you want to steer clear of those.
So you want to find one that is either water or silicone based (they will often say "latex safe" or "condom safe" on the tubes)
Lube 101: A Slick Little primer

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purpletemptation
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Member # 108825

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@Sam W, I read all about the lubes. [Smile] Very informative article again. *I love reading articles, reading's my hobby* LOL!
Thanks ♥ now I know to stay away from oil while using latex condoms. [Smile] As far as my readiness is concerned I think I want sometime.


@Edith: Yes, I talked to my BF. He is absolutely okay to wait until I am ready for sex for real. I know he would wait for ages also if I tell him too. He is really very understanding. As far as my readiness is concerned I think I want sometime.


thanks guys, I just love the way you helped me. thanks a ton. ♥ [Smile]

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