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Author Topic: Still not there
coralcat
Neophyte
Member # 108689

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Hi, I'm wondering if you can advise me? I'm 24 and have been sexually active for 8 years. I enjoy sex and find it pleasurable, but I've never had an orgasm, even by myself. I hardly ever masturbate as its an unpleasurable, frustrating experience. Recently I've been trying to do so more to see if it would get better, but it hasn't. I also get almost no pleasure from touching my clitoris - it feels more sensitive than other parts of my body, but that's it. I'm wondering if I might have something physically wrong with me.
Posts: 6 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Welcome to Scarleteen, coralcat.

To start with, it does not sound to me like you are dealing with ay sort of a physical issue, so you can put that worry to rest. You do experience pleasure and arousal, which means that it is likely just a matter of time and of becoming more comfortable and relaxed to experience orgasm.

If you have never had a gynecological check up, by all means, it would be a good idea to get caught up on that now, and if you'd like you can bring up this question with your doctor and see what they have to add.

In the meantime, there are some other avenues we can explore.

You are saying you find masturbation unpleasurable and frustrating. Can you explain more what part of it you find frustrating?

What do you expect from sex? What sort of feelings do you feel you are still missing out on? You may find this article helpful here:
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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coralcat
Neophyte
Member # 108689

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Just FYI, having scrolled through some of the previous topics,my problem is pretty much IDENTICAL to a poster called 'radiatorfromspace', who wrote in far more detail than me (but 99.9% of what she says applies to me too)- unfortunately she hasn't replied yet to a question from a mod so no answers yet :-(
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coralcat
Neophyte
Member # 108689

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Most of the time, I just don't have the desire to masturbate - attempts to make myself feel excited by myself (e.g. by thinking about arousing experiences, reading erotica etc)don't seem to increase my arousal enough. The occasions when I'm genuinely feeling really aroused and wanting to masturbate, I'll try, but I'll get no pleasurable experience at all - I'll just be aroused and touching an area of my body that has a slightly more sensitive feeling than other parts (that is, a slight tingly sensation), not even a more enjoyable feeling. I've tried touching different areas and different ways,using toys etc, but nothing seems to feel any better. I get bored and stop, and feel frustrated because I'm still aroused but can't do anything about it. Oddly, my previous sexual partners HAVE given me a pleasurable experience by touching my clitoris / labia - looking at the article, I'd say I get to the plateau phase with a partner, but there's no 'increase' in pleasure or sensitivity; it begins fairly pleasurable and continues to be fairly pleasurable, until I end up feeling bored and frustrated because nothing new is happening.
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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When you're feeling aroused, either alone or with a partner, do you feel like you're able to just enjoy that feeling of arousal, or do you feel like you want more? What I'm wondering is whether you feel like you're *supposed* to want more, or whether you actually feel, in your own body and mind, like there's more to come and you're just not sure how to get there.

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Robin

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coralcat
Neophyte
Member # 108689

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When I masturbate, it definitely feels like I should be able to 'do something' about my arousal - I want to be touched sexually when aroused, but when I do touch myself, the physical feelings I wanted/expected just aren't there. So I can't just enjoy the arousal, because it's like a need not getting fulfilled - like being really thirsty and not having anything to drink, for example. With a partner, it depends. I really enjoy sex and what pleasure I do get, but I do feel very much like there should be more - there isn't any peak for me, and I don't usually finish having sex feeling particularly relaxed or fulfilled, either because I wanted the pleasure to continue and intensify, and am left with nothing I can do about my still- present arousal, or because - after a while - moderate pleasure gets boring and I'd rather just stop.
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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One thing you said here jumps out at me--that you want to be touched sexually when you're feeling aroused.

Genital touching isn't the only kind of sexual touching there is, and for some people may not be the most pleasurable form of sexual touching.

When you say sex with your partner is pleasurable for you to a degree, I suspect you're talking about intercourse. Intercourse is just one kind of sex though. Likewise, sexual activities that involve the genitals aren't the only kinds of sexual activities.

What sorts of sexual activities (if any) do you and your partner engage in where you do feel more pleasure or enjoyment (again, that doesn't have to be pleasure based in the genitals)?

Here are a few articles to read that will expand on what i'm talking about here.

With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

Yield for Pleasure

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/sexuality_wtf_is_it_anyway

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Robin

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coralcat
Neophyte
Member # 108689

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When I say, 'touched sexually', I do mean specifically that I want to be touched in the genital region, but then actually doing this doesn't give me much (or any) pleasure. Often with a partner, being touched genitally does give me pleasure, as does penetrative intercourse, and that feels like a 'step up' in pleasure compared to having other parts of my body which are sexual to me (such as my neck, ears, thighs etc)touched. However, there is no build up in pleasure - it starts out feeling nice and continues to just feel nice. The reason that isn't okay is that I either finish having sex feeling dissatisfied that I haven't found a release for my arousal, or I just end up losing desire while having sex and wanting to stop.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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When you're doing this, either alone or with a partner, and any genital touch begins, are you ALREADY feeling a lot of desire and pleasure from other kinds of touch -- like with your neck and ears, as you mentioned -- sexual thoughts, etc?

As well, have you tried basically self-designing your sexual life so that that per activities, you're really ONLY doing what feels really, really good and gets you more and more excited? Even with masturbation, for instance, what happens for you when you stick to touching yourself in ways, or on parts of your body, that DO feel great?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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coralcat
Neophyte
Member # 108689

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I'm single now, but my last boyfriend was really attentive and made a real effort to do foreplay that I really enjoyed - my desire would increase and I'd feel like I wanted penetration, so that the feeling of pleasure would escalate. But if we then had intercourse, or I just let him continue with foreplay, the escalation of pleasure wouldn't continue, and it would end up dropping. Like, on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being mild arousal and 10 being very intense pleasure (with the possibility of orgasm etc), I feel like under the right circumstances (feeling desire to start and being with an understanding partner), I could go up the scale to about a 6 or 7 and want to go higher, but then this would stop and I'd drop back down the scale again. Also, I know it's an individual thing and getting hung up on it will probably make it worse, but I feel like having been sexually active for so long and having tried lots of things and having had lots of sexual experiences I've enjoyed, I should have had an orgasm by now. I also don't understand why I don't seem to get any pleasure from masturbation, even when I'm feeling aroused.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, one of the reasons I asked about if you have basically followed your bliss with ONLY things that felt good is about that.

Orgasm doesn't require genital sex of any kind, even though that's a route to orgasm for a lot of people. And masturbation just means touching ourselves: it, too, doesn't have to mean genitally, or genitally with entry.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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