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Author Topic: I don't know what to do about this guy
katebradshaw5
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Member # 108719

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There’s a guy I have liked at university for a year now, I had a bf when I was with him and when we broke up in February I wanted to try and start something up with him. Nothing happened until 3 weeks ago after summer when I saw him out in a club. I am close to his group of friends who saw me and brought me over to him and we chatted for about 2 hours and then he walked me home, only kissing me good night once.

He said some pretty lovely stuff like how he loves my red curly hair and I’m totally his type and then we text for the next couple of days, saw him out again and he came back to mine and slept over. Nothing happened as I have only slept with 1 person before (my ex) so I wasn’t ready. He said that was fine and he respected me for it etc.

Texting again for the next few days, and then it’s his birthday. He goes out the night before his birthday and rings me at about 2:30am when I was asleep and asks to come round. I say yes and then he comes over and this time it’s very different.

He tells me he’s not a relationship guy, doesn’t ever plan anything out, only thinks about what’s happening in the moment and finds it hard to commit to a relationship – he “doesn’t see the point”. I am completely the opposite of this guy and he knows it. I am not very laid back about things and over analyse everything like most girls I guess, but he has these opinions in his head of me which are completely true unfortunately – he says I’m predictable but not in a bad way (don’t see how it could be a good thing though).

Anyway, then it’s his birthday and his friend from back home comes to visit for the weekend. We go out the next night and I bump into him, say hi, hug etc but no more than that. I leave and then at 4:30am (I’m back home asleep) he calls me 13 times in 10 minutes but I didn’t hear cos my phone was on silent that time. Next morning I freak that he’s rang me that much wondering if something was up and text him about it. About 7 hours later he replies ‘oh yeah just wanted somewhere to sleep cos my friend from home was in my bed’… Red flag goes up here.

I reply making a joke of it and then he goes out again that night and rings me, I hear and let him come round (stupidly I know). So I decide to confront him a bit. I say is this all you want from me, just ringing me after nights out and sleeping round? He says no he wants to take me out on a date ‘we’ll do something next week I promise where do you want to go’ … So I believe him.

A few days pass and I see him again and go back to his – now he couldn’t be any lovelier to me, saying even more lovely things which are just making me fall for him even more. We make plans (shock!) to go out somewhere on the Saturday (it was a Tuesday night) and I sleep at his but again nothing more happens than just making out and touching a bit and then I leave about 11:30am the next day and borrow his hoody to walk home in.

Texting more but not much at all really, he often just doesn’t ever reply, never mind late. I go out and leave a drunk voicemail about doing something the next day and then its Saturday (yesterday now), I text apologizing for the voicemail and ask if he wants to do something. He says he has something planned with the guys he plays football with but doesn’t want to go so doesn’t know… I just say it’s up to him and he says I can come round if I want, I say well its whether you want to as well! He says yes and then I do.

So last night, I go round to his and we watch a film and cuddle a bit and then are just chatting for ages. He keeps repeating ‘you’re not sleeping round’ which I thought was pretty rude but fine, and then we’re kissing again. He says he could get me to sleep with him if he wanted to, that he’s totally in control etc, so then I say well when I am ready to we will!

He then turns on the charm even more and I am literally so ready to sleep with him, but then he tells me its late and I should go. He walks me back to mine and on the way just keeps saying we’ll see about everything – sleeping together, going out, everything. And that since I know this about him I can’t be upset about it… He can tell I’m a bit upset on the walk home cos he didn’t let me stay over and stuff and I just feel like I’ve messed it up.

He tweeted (we both follow each other) “blumin’eck” which I took to mean that I’ve freaked him out and I’ve become too much for him now. And that’s where we’re at.

From this you must think this guy is terrible but he’s literally amazing which is rubbish. I have never fallen for anyone like this guy, in the 3 weeks that we’ve been seeing each other hes all I think about and I really like him. It’s hard not having him care that much or put much effort in but I really like him and I don’t know what to do.

Do I carry on texting casually, seeing him casually and just seeing what happens? Or do I cut my losses now? I want to do the first option, but I am finding it hard to understand what will happen if he can’t plan beyond the next couple of days. I don’t know what he thinks I’m thinking as surely he knows I will want more eventually. I just have no idea what to do now.

Posts: 3 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Hi Katebradshaw5 and welcome to Scarleteen,

Well, you've said here that you and he have already expressed wanting different things. You want to see someone with an eye towards developing a relationship; he doesn't. It's unlikely that either of you is going to change the other's mind, and really, it's good that it is that way. If someone wants to change their stance on whether a relationship is okay, that has to come from them, not from another person's wants.

I have to say though that this guy telling you that he is completely in control and could get you to sleep with him if he wanted to is really alarming. That's not what someone says if they respect another person and care about their physical and emotional well-being.

I know you say this person is amazing, but what you've described is him giving you lots of compliments and being fun and gentle when you're together. You've also described that you don't like his habit of just calling you at night, and that you have already learned that he is not looking for the same things you are per a relationship.

As I said, I'm alarmed by his saying he's in control. That puts up a red flag for me that he's not as respectful of you as he should be.

What do you think reading all of this?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
katebradshaw5
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Member # 108719

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Thanks for your reply!

He has said many times that he isn't a relationship person, however he has not actually said that he definitely doesn't want one or not. He always says "we'll see". Part of me thinks he does like me and that he is trying to remind himself that he can't get serious with me because it's easier, even if part of him does wonder about that.

Yes I agree that really did freak me out, even though he did say it in a jokey way it's not very funny. He is completely wrong though as he has tried it on many times and I have been the one refusing.

It annoys me that he has the upper hand in all of this, so I think I have to start doing things he doesn't expect from me. Like not texting first or something like that. I really need to stick to my guns and have him chase me a bit but if I see him out when I'm drunk or something I know he'll be able to get his own way which is really annoying.

Posts: 3 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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You know, I think it's soundest to take what has happened, what he's said, your gut feelings about things he's done, and so on at face value rather than trying to read things into what he says and does. So, if he says he's not a relationship guy, I'd take that for what it is, rather than wondering if he might want a relationship with you. You don't know what's in his head, and it's risky to guess. [Smile]

I'm also concerned to hear you say that you know he'll get what he wants if he sees you out while you've been drinking. If you know you're not able to reliably stick to your guns when you've been drinking, then it's not safe to put yourself in that situation, with him or with anyone else.


Also, you resisting his advances doesn't necessarily mean that he's gotten the message that he's not in control. Someone who jokes about being in control, and how easy it would be to sleep with you, is, in my book, showing some borderline abusive tendencies. Realistically, you and he don't know each other very well. This is supposed to be a time when you get to know each other, but instead he seems to be making a lot of assumptions and taking a lot of liberties--for example, calling thirteen times in ten minutes.

What do you mean by having him "chase" you a bit?

I'm really not intending to be a buzz-kill here, but i'm really hearing a lot of red flags both for this guy not being as nice as he's often acting and for you wanting something very different from what this guy has said he wanted.

I'm wondering if it would be helpful to make a list of the things you'd want from someone you were starting to date, to see whether what you want, how you want things to go, is jiving with what is happening righ tnow?

[ 10-20-2013, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
katebradshaw5
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Member # 108719

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Yeah I think on nights out I will have to stick with my friends and not see him if I can, it's too risky to be in that situation like you said.

And by that I mean making him realise that he can't just see me when it suits him and only reply when he can be bothered. I really like spending time with him but he's ruining it by always saying he isn't a relationship person. Maybe if he realises I won't just stick around and be treated this way he'll either give up or put a bit more effort in. Either way he has to make the decision so I will have to just pull back from it for now and see what he does in response.

Posts: 3 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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How do you think that'll work for you, ignoring his texts and so on?

Again, I wouldn't put too much effort into trying to use your actions and behaviours to control how he reacts or what he decides to do. He's going to behave and think what he wants regardless of what you do, just as you're behaving and thinking what you want and what works for you regardless of what he's doing or saying. [Smile]


I'm glad to hear you'll hang with friends when you go out drinking. Have you and your friends talked about looking out for each other when you're out in those situations?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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