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Author Topic: Healing your Sexuality
Saffron Raymie
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If you know a lot about surviving rape and do a lot of your own healing, then you are raped again by a new perp - have people and sexualities been know to recover quickly? I was raped again and I really don't want to be back at square one per the effects on my own sexual life.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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Oh, Saffy, I am so, so sorry to hear you were assaulted again. [Frown] I can't say how much.

I'm not sure that we have data on timelines per healing from a second assault, nor that we really could have any that was of use. Because, with any kind of trauma, each trauma and each individual -- per the impact of the trauma on them, per their resilience and resources, etc. -- are all so individual? I just don't think we can predict this.

But I would say that when we have done healing work from a previous assault and are assaulted again, we certainly aren't starting from square one. We usually have tools and ways of thinking and supports we have developed, for instance, and also have learned at least some about what we need when it comes to healing.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
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I understand. Thanks for being here for me.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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Of course. What else can I do for you right now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
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I'm okay for now. I just want to express how much I hate him right now in healthy ways. I still have him on my facebook, in case I can talk him out of ever doing that to anyone again. He does seem remorseful about it in his status updates - saying he's feeling self-loathing. What do you think? Should I delete him or keep him and maybe stop him when I feel more able to do so?

[ 09-13-2013, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: Saffron Raymie ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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This person is making status updates about having assaulted you? And you are also still following their feed?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
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He said he felt self loathing today, and this happened last night. I've hidden the feed...

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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Personally, I would always suggest cutting all ties with anyone who has assaulted us, and cutting off any contact they can have with us, too.

Do you want to talk about your options with reporting, before we talk about anything else more?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
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Well, I'm scared of reporting because it was so murky. I consented after he ignored my first no.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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That's not legally murky.

But it's also not up to you, when reporting, to have to defend that. It's up to the person you are reporting it to to decide if they can and will prosecute.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
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Okay. I'll think about this. I should get some sleep now.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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Sure thing. You know where to find me/us whenever you need.

Again, I'm so, so sorry, Saffy. I hope you take good care of you tonight.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
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Ok, I really want to report.

The little bastard just called me a coward and immature for deleting and blocking him from facebook. He's also said, repeatedly, that the rape was my fault as well as his.

The phone people can't block his number either.

[ 10-12-2013, 04:53 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Raymie ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Robin Lee
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Hi Saffy,

I'm so sorry he's dragging this out instead of just leaving you alone!

Is he calling or texting you frequently?

How safe do you feel from him right now?

In case you need to hear it, the rape wasn't your fault. It's just not possible for something *he* did to be your fault.

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Robin

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AuntiePixie
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Wrong account.

[ 10-12-2013, 10:17 AM: Message edited by: AuntiePixie ]

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Saffron Raymie
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Hey Robin.

Well, the contact is because I actually tried to fix this myself.

And no to the frequency...yet. I am safe, because he doesn't know where I live. However, I can't stop feeling nauseas. However again, I did just manage to keep my breakfast down.

And thank you, but I don't need to hear it; I know. [Smile]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Robin Lee
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Good. I'm so glad you know! [Smile]

I'm relieved to hear that you're safe from him.

What do you feel like you need right now?

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Robin

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Saffron Raymie
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I think I have a bit of PTSD. Uterine cramps for no reason, trouble sleeping, unable to look customers in the eyes at work, random crying, feeling hated, and sometimes a little worthless, feeling desperate and like I want time to pass quicker all the time, nausea, shaking. I just nearly had a panic attack walking to the shop to buy water...

[ 10-12-2013, 12:19 PM: Message edited by: Saffron Raymie ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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How about contacting Rape Crisis, Saffy? They really are fantastic, and very accessible.

http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
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Will do.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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They're good people and I have yet to refer anyone over there and have them come back with anything but a glowing report.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
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Thank you. [Smile]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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Just venting:

This is all really horrible when I trusted this person. When I lived in my old flat, we had a platonic relationship; they slept in my bed, we ate dinner together, just generally hung out. It all seemed safe.

Then we didn't talk for a year because I was getting slightly weird vibes that maybe he wasn't very feminist (although I wouldn't have imagined it was this bad), but I split with my long-term partner and got back in touch because I was running low on mates.

I never would have dreamed.

[ 10-12-2013, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: Saffron Raymie ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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Vent away! It's good for you.

Unfortunately, what may have happened was that this person simply changed as a person, and obviously, very much for the worse. Sadly, sometimes as we go on in life, we don't always grow. Some people don't, or regress, or grow in a Voldemorty-kind-if-way. [Frown]

But by all means, the betrayal that sexual abuse and assault always is is always amplified when there are other betrayals piled on it, like someone you built trust with choosing to assault you, betraying you not just as a person, but as a friend. That hurts like hell, obviously.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
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I love having this space as like, a healing journal. Facebook is just to scary right now.

I had a lovely morning with my housemate Steve, listening to some funny stuff. We started out with early Pink Floyd, and took a wander through music that way.

I chose 'Bike' by Floyd because it was mine and the rapist's thing, but now, it's mine. I won't let him take it from me. I love that song, and it doesn't remind me of him anymore. Same goes for all the other bands we had in common.

I still love Spanish people (he was Spanish) and their lovely language/food/culture and I won't let him take that from me either. I've decided I'm going there, for a solo holiday, to near-ish but not quite where he's from, as my first ever time out of the UK. Build some happy associations for context. Scarleteen en español is the most lovely, wonderful, incredible healing thing for me right now. To whom do I owe my gratitude for the translations? Thank you!

I'd bought him a ticket to see The Cult on the 20th October. I tried finding a replacement friend to go with, but in the name of healing, I'm giving his ticket away in the pub or outside the venue. I'm going solo. And I am going to have the time of my life.

He will not, WILL NOT take a single thing from me.

[ 10-13-2013, 10:53 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Raymie ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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Hey Saffy, you know you have all my support and everything, so I thought I'd say it here.

Keep on keeping on.

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Saffron Raymie
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You were right about everything. I expected him to either listen to me or to do what what my previous rapist did and just block me or evade the conversation.

This guy was really evil about everything. He used me trying to show him what he did to hurt me further. He had no compassion at all. The previous one at least seemed to have a shread of humility. At enough to change the subject rather than belittle me.

Before he did it, he was watching music videos of music he hates - staring at Britney Spears like he honestly wanted to kill her. It made me uncomfortable so I asked if he was ok. He smiled, but it was like I caught him by suprise. It was a look of hatred, and then later he called her 'eye candy.'

Literally terrifying. Like, if this make any sense, my past rape didn't really feel sinister like this. This person said 'I'm not done yet' to me when he did it. Harley would never have done that.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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That is pretty awful, I'm glad you're making steps to cut ties with him.

Some really general thoughts on healing that might only work for me:

It's a cliche but time is a healer.

Moving through the worst of my more recent healing stuff has helped me with things that came earlier, not that it outweighs the crap, but it is something.

Another possibly useful thing that has helped me (not that it's easy) is getting used to something becoming part of my 'healing-repertoire' and working out how to fit that already existing repertoire into our every day life, long-term. So, I feel like I've benefited a lot from moving towards thinking of this process as making my healing manageable rather than 'completing' the healing itself... although my situation is different from yours.

There's also not a right way to do do that... sometimes after crap happens we just need to try things out.

Taking it slow can be a really good idea too, where possible (see 'time is a healer').

[ 10-13-2013, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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Saffron Raymie
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Thanks Jacob. Yeah, he won't be coming near me ever again. Housemate is screening my texts and calls.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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<3 Sexo sin consentimiento es Violación <3

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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I love my body.

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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I feel like all the rape actually did was show me how jealous he is of my sexuality. He doesn't experience it at all like I do - he can't.

He was surrounded by intense female sexual power all that night. Was with me and my loud, genderqueer, lesbian & cis buddies, one of whom hooked up many men that night in front of this person - to the sound of our loud praise - and she pretended to have sex with her own driver's licence - just joyously, and not for any man's attention. Later she vanished and we were joking that she was probably doing sex in the loos, but there were no judgements. Only celebration and love for her. Meanwhile me and my buddy talked about who we we were finding attractive to him, flirted with him, and each other. Later, I asked him if he found Britney Spears attractive out of interest/flirting and he said yes, but angrily, and then looked away. One of my friends made a problematic statement about rape, and myself and another girl challenged it. I remember saying rape was a crime. Then he and I went back to his, and he assaulted me there. After the assault, I told him I loved women and he tried to convince me to hate them, and did a little slut shaming.

This was sheer, targeted misogyny.

But I hope the memory of that night beforehand sticks in his mind, as does my month of challenging him on it and my breaking contact. We're incredible women and our sexualities and confidence levels are unstoppable.

Obviously I'm not going to do this, but my friends are now joking that I should phone him after the next time I have incredible sex, just to let him know. I'm having a fantasy when ever woman in the world does that to him. "Hey there. Just calling to say I love my sexuality."

[ 10-13-2013, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: Saffron Raymie ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Saffron Raymie
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Rape Crisis called. Referred to the Southampton Rape Crisis. Going to call them today.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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Heather
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Really glad to hear it. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
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This is how I feel right now: "I want the magic manipulator immunity I somehow feel I earned, please."

Thank you for the times when you're the air in my lungs.

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

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