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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Newly and happily married to a man...sexually attracted to women?

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Author Topic: Newly and happily married to a man...sexually attracted to women?
turtl3lady
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I always had crushes on boys, always wanted a family with a man...but when it has come to sex, I usually become a little intimidated (at least now I do) and find it difficult to relax, be at ease in the bedroom...but if I see a woman on TV that's half naked, she interests me most...when I would watch porn...it would always be lesbian porn. Men in porn have always seemed so goofy and the sight of penises is not always the hottest thing. But women...I get turned on so easily. I don understand. I'm not emotionally attracted to women, I have never been in a relationship with a lady...nor do I really want to. That doesn't appeal to me. I love my man. But sometimes penetration, or the thought of it, can be a little stressful or intimidating. I've never considered myself gay. I don't believe I am. But why do I find women's anatomy soooo much more attractive?! Ever since I was young I always marveled at the woman's body...but always had crushes and relationships and true feelings for men. What's going on here? [Frown]
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Onionpie
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Hi turtl3lady. Unfortunately, this isn't exactly a question we can answer for you. The only person who can tell you what the significance of these feelings is, "what it means", how it plays into your sexual orientation or how you identify your orientation... is YOU! Have you seen any of our articles on the complexity of sexual attraction and sexual orientation? I think they might give you some good stuff to think about with all of this.

The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone
Attracted to women 24/7 but attracted to men in my fantasies -- does that make me bisexual?
I'm bisexual so why don't I feel exactly the same about men and women

As you might have noticed from the titles of the two Advice articles, MANY people of ALL genders and orientations have confusion around and difficulty figuring out what different parts of their sexuality is all about and how it fits in with the rest of their sexuality. So you're definitely not alone in feeling this way [Smile]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'd also add that sex with entry into the body -- what you're calling penetration -- isn't an activity unique to male/female couples. It's something lesbians will often engage in with other women, for instance, too.

I'd also add that attraction really is not something we can ever just say is somehow only sexual and not emotional, because emotions are part of our sexuality. We can't magically experience it without feelings, since they're a huge part of what it is. To boot, people, including women, aren't just bodies or body parts.

(Also, I'm guessing when you say "lesbian porn," you actually mean girl-girl porn, not porn made by queer women, with queer women, and for queer women, but porn with women in it being sexual together mostly made for a male audience? I ask because while all porn isn't reality, that kind of porn is generally a really far cry from what's real with sex between women in real life, further than porn that really IS lesbian porn. For an easy telling-the-difference, if everyone in all of it is femme, thin, mostly white, and rarely, if ever, is anyone using a strap-on or getting big with hands deep inside any vaginas, you can be sure it's girl-girl porn, made primarily for men, you're watching, not lesbian porn.)

I'm not really hearing what sounds, to me, so much like a big attraction to women, as maybe more like a better familiarity and comfort with bodies like your own and, additionally, what sounds like not always wanting to engage in sexual activity that involves vaginal entry or a penis. How does that sit with you?

[ 09-25-2013, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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turtl3lady
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Ah yes, I did then mean "girl-on-girl" porn...I didn't think there was a difference. Thanks or clarifying. I think having a familiarity and comfort with women's bodies makes sense...I am after all a woman and it's what I know best...I have always considered a woman's anatomy a beautiful form, certainly the stuff of art...all those Renaissance paintings, Venus etc...I love that stuff. That sits much better with me...and you're right that feelings are not absent from sex...but I suppose it's more of a lust thing, my being turned on by "lady parts". Hmm. It all seems so complicated. Thank you for your suggestions [Smile]
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Heather
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The difference is effectively something that's often not so realistic (lesbian porn) versus total fairy tales so utterly divorced from reality most of the time, you couldn't possibly mistake it for reality if you knew and experienced what the reality really was (girl-girl porn).

Really, though, lust is a feeling: it's a synonym for sexual desire. And that's a feeling, a feeling that often carries a range of other feelings with it. But being turned on by your own body and its parts? That's certainly a part of most people's sexuality, of all orientations. But being attracted to other people? Not the same thing. You know the diff, sounds like: do you feel attracted to your husband as an actual person, not just an aesthetic or collection of parts? If so, then you get the difference. Just figure to be earnestly attracted to women or another woman? It'd be the same thing.

But I do think that if and when we're pretty clear we're all about bodies as parts, or aesthetics, we're not actually talking about real people or whole people, but ideas or projections. And when we're talking about orientation, that's about we and actual people, not body parts or ideas about people, or just fantasies, if that helps it all make more sense.

[ 09-25-2013, 01:17 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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turtl3lady
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So if I understand correctly...am I attracted to the idea of women? The fantasies and the ideals of this "non-human/non-feeling-person"? Because then I may not be actually attracted to a woman, the real, emotional, thinking, feeling, real person...just the...idea? I think that makes sense...that's what porn is. It's all fake, it's not why real life is like...so what do I do with that?
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Heather
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I can't tell you that: really, only you can sort out these feelings.

But if you're not earnestly interested in women as whole people in this regard, but instead as images or body parts; if you don't feel a deep desire to get sexually or romantically involved with women, if you don't feel, in some respect, in love with women? Then chances are very good it's highly unlikely you're bisexual or lesbian.

Per sorting out what you're seeing in pornography and real life, really, I;d say it's doing just what I see you doing here: accepting that sexual entertainment media is just that -- it's fantasy, not reality, and it's media made with the intent of getting people turned on per fantasy. Know what I mean?

I mean, look, someone who really can't figure out if they only feel attracted to porn or fantasy or reality in this respect could certainly do an experiment like going one night to a lesbian bar and seeing how that community and more real-life kind of interaction feels. Always an option. But you also can likely just sort this out in your own head and heart.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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turtl3lady
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Thank you so very much for helping me clear this up. I suppose I had a mix between fantasy and reality. Actually, I had gone to a gay bar with some of my friends a few moths ago. It was certainly a different experience but I felt nothing worth noting by it...it was just good time with friends [Smile] thank you.
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Heather
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Ha! You already tested the theory then. [Smile]

But yep, dyke/lesbian/bisexual life and sex life generally isn't about soft lighting, loads of makeup and fancy lingerie, skinny white models, and nothing but oral sex all the time. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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