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Author Topic: How to handle this? Molestation?
paige_softball1992
Neophyte
Member # 107631

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I'm 20 and I have a new guy in my life. He's younger than me and we haven't had sex yet (by my choice, I'm not a virgin and neither is he but I'm not comfortable with sex with him just yet as we aren't officially together). He came to a gathering of a group of friends that I was at on Sunday night and spent the night there (we slept on the couch).

The next morning I woke up not feeling well. I went home to take a shower and get some rest and he offered to come keep me company before he went back to his college. I agreed and he came over. I ended up falling asleep next to him in my bed. I then woke up to him fondling my butt and stroking my stomach (trying to get into my underwear I think) and I'm not sure but I really think he was also grinding against me at some point.

When I woke up (he was definitely fully awake when he was doing these things) he told me jokingly that I kept getting him hard in my sleep by throwing my legs over him and he just couldn't help but "grab that a** a little". I kind of laughed uncomfortably but now I feel absolutely disgusted and dirty. I don't even want to be touched by my friends now.

Am I overreacting? Is this something I can talk about and trust him again or should I just shut the whole thing down? I am absolutely miserable about this and feel like I've been violated when I was at my most vulnerable.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi paige_softball1992,

It is never, ever okay for someone to touch someone else without their permission.

So no, I don't think you're overreacting at all.

Even if you were doing things in your sleep that were arousing to this person, that's on him to control his arousal or go somewhere else and take care of it with masturbation. A person's actions during their sleep, when they're not able to give consent, are not an invitation to anyone.

What you choose to do about this is up to you. Do you feel like this is a relationship you're invested in? Do you think this guy would be responsive if you told him that what he did wasn't okay?

Personally, I'd suggest not having anything to do with him again, because it's pretty clear he doesn't respect boundaries or understand consent. None of us can make that decision for you though.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
paige_softball1992
Neophyte
Member # 107631

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I don't know how he would react. I don't know him well enough. He has seemed to care about my general wellbeing but rarely takes no for an answer and if I'm too busy to hang out he will say something like "You know we both need this" or "It'll make you feel better". He also tried really hard to coerce me into having sex with him after I woke up yesterday. But on the other hand he has told me that if he does things I don't like just to tell him and he will stop. I don't know. I'm just so upset because this seemed like such a promising relationship. I'm worried I'm lying to myself because I want a relationship with him to work.
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Molias
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Wow, that level of coercion is, in my opinion, a pretty clear sign that this person isn't respectful of boundaries at all. He might say "tell me to stop and I will" but if he continues to try to coerce you into things you have already said you don't want to do, then that just sets you up to be constantly fending off his advances.

I also think constant coercion in one area of interaction, like setting up time to hang out, is a pretty good indication that a person will try to push boundaries and change your mind in other areas. =(

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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I can definitely understand why this would be upsetting.

It's pretty hard, though, for you to tell him you don't like something when you're sleeping, isn't it?


I concur with what Molias has said about how coercion in one area can really tell one a lot about the coercive person's attitudes towards boundaries, regardless of what they say their attitudes are.

I think, too, that this really unpleasant feeling you're experiencing, and the feeling of not wanting anyone else to touch you right now, is something that can tell you a lot about whether this was okay or not, and about whether this person is okay for you or not.

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Robin

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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quote:
He has seemed to care about my general wellbeing but rarely takes no for an answer and if I'm too busy to hang out he will say something like "You know we both need this" or "It'll make you feel better". He also tried really hard to coerce me into having sex with him after I woke up yesterday. But on the other hand he has told me that if he does things I don't like just to tell him and he will stop. I don't know. I'm just so upset because this seemed like such a promising relationship.
Don't mean to pile on here, but if I may be direct, while this may have seemed promising at first, all I am seeing now is Red Flag City.

In other words, I think you have some very clear evidence that suggests it would probably be best to run, not walk, away from seeing this guy again. Especially when you understand that when someone does this kind of stuff right from the start, without even any pretense of respect and consent? That almost guarantees they will either continue or it will get even worse. It is pretty much never going to magically stop or get better.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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