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Author Topic: Sexuality Confusion
Charlotte Wood
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Hi,

So I'm an 18 year old girl who has always fancied guys. However, whenever I kiss, or have sex with a guy I feel absolutely nothing - I've never been aroused by a guy, even if I was previously very attracted to him.

I.e. I met an incredibly attractive man and it turned out we had a lot in common and we started seeing each other. When I thought of meeting up with him I couldn't stop smiling and was so excited. I liked holding his hand and hugging because it felt safe and comfortable but I have never felt excited or turned on by him despite lots of foreplay before sex.

I feel like anytime I get to know a guy and lose the excitement and the mystery of it I don't want to date them anymore. It's really frustrating because I love the idea of being with a man, having him there, snuggling on the sofa, holding hands, protector.. etc. I just don't feel anything sexually. As soon as I start talking to a guy properly and become friends with him as well as dating him I quickly just see him as a friend.

This caused me to question my sexuality. Despite having no exciting/arousing reaction to the male body, I do feel excited and aroused by the female body, although I have never fancied a woman or wanted to have a relationship with one. I haven't had any gay experiences and I suppose that's logically the next step but I really don't want to.

I'm wondering if I am perhaps bisexual with a romantic leaning towards men and a sexual leaning towards women.

What makes it more confusing is that I can get aroused thinking about sex I had with the guy I was seeing the night before but when I was there I didn't feel anything.

What should I do? Is it possible that I just haven't found the right guy to stimulate me in that way or am I just in denial of the fact that I am gay? Or perhaps I need to have a really good emotional connection with a man before I can feel aroused by him?

Thank you for spending the time to read this. I really appreciate it.

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CW

Posts: 5 | From: Brooklyn | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Welcome to the boards, CW. [Smile]

Let's start with what really matters here and is at the core of this: have you experienced feelings of sexual and romantic attraction, in real life, tangibly, not just as an abstract idea or thought, to anyone?

If so, if what you're wondering about is to what gender or genders of people you tend to experience those feelings with, have you found they have occurred with people of one gender or another, or with more than one gender of person?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Charlotte Wood
Neophyte
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Hi, thank you so much for getting back to me.

Really thinking about it, I can't say that I have. I've always had crushes on guys but have never dated someone who I've had a real emotional or sexual attraction to. As soon as I get to know someone, feelings of that nature dissipate and I feel only friendship for them. Even an amazing friendship that could last a long time, just nothing more.

I've always pushed questions about sexuality to the back of my mind until now, I have had fleeting moments of sexual attraction to other women but have never had long crushes on them or wanted to have a romantic relationship either which is why I feel really stuck. I've never been in a situation where I've had butterflies with a woman, only with a man.

Do I need to just keep exploring, dating, and having new experiences to work this out? I know I do have sexual feelings, I've just never had them strongly to another person in my life so far.

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CW

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Heather
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So, maybe, at this point in your life, you just don't have enough information via experience to be able to start to answer this question?

In other words, it sounds to me like you still need more time and some life experience with these feelings to observe and find out to whom you feel attracted, and in what ways.

If you're looking for a word to identify that space, I'd say "questioning" is a good one, though it's not like you -- or anyone -- needs to have a word if that's not something you feel you need or want.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Charlotte Wood
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Ok, that makes sense, it's just frustrating not knowing. I always thought this kind of thing was something you just know and are sure of, I didn't expect it to be so complicated! Thank you for taking the time to answer.

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CW

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Heather
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Clearly, a lot of people get that message.

In reality, it really varies a lot for people.

For sure, some people have a very strong sense of their own orientation even from childhood, and it turns out that sense was on target, and stays on target through their whole lives. That's not all that common, though, especially when we take out hererosexism and homophobia or biphobia as factors. Others who start that way find they have a shift -- or even more than one -- through life.

Others really don't have that sense from the start -- I'd say that's more common: it's really most common for the teens and twenties to be the time we're exploring all of this and just starting to get a real sense of this -- and can even be without it through their teens, twenties and beyond.

And I suspect a lot of that difference has to do with both differences in who we are as people on the whole, and what place sexual or romantic attraction has in our lives, or gender has in our lives, as well as how wide or narrow our scope of those attractions is, period. In other words, some folks are very widely attracted to many people around them, so will have the opportunity to see patterns in their attractions earlier, whereas those who have a smaller group of people to whom they are attracted won't have so many opportunities since they aren't attracted to as many people.

But since sexuality and sexual orientation often does shift, at least to some degree, through life, I'd say the idea, for pretty much anyone, that this is one of those totes-for-sure things we can know about ourselves early in life and have never, ever change is usually broken.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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If it helps, I'd see if you can't let go of the idea that it must be oh-so-awesome to know this for sure. Life is an adventure, after all, and having who we are and aren't attracted to, in any regard be a bit of a surprise to find out? That's hardly a bad thing. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Charlotte Wood
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Thank you so much. I've been so stressed lately questioning everything but it's relief to have some grounded and positive advice and to see it in a positive light rather than something to be anxious and stressed about is really helpful.

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CW

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You're welcome. [Smile]

If it helps, I'm someone who, my whole life, has been the kind of queer where truly, who the heck knows who I will find myself attracted to, based on gender or anything else. And it doesn't have to be a bummer, and I have rarely experienced it as one.

I just follow my heart and/or my feelings of sexual desire and it's all good. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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