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Author Topic: I love you...
DreamCatches
Neophyte
Member # 48877

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So, I finally told the guy I've been dating for 4 months that I love him last night. We happened to be on skype. I don't think I've ever said those words and meant them so much before. He told me that he doesn't love me and that I can't love him. That he can't love anyone. He loves me as a person. Well, at least he was honest. I mean, I don't want anyone to say it if they don't... so I sucked it up. And I wasn't upset that he didn't love me. I don't think that's what love is. He might not love me, but that doesn't stop me from loving him.

But then as we went along in the conversation. He admitted that he was just using me for sex. I am so disgusted and shocked and hurt and angry. I mean, I know people say that they are shocked when this happens, but I mean, I honestly assume just about every man is just interested in sex in this point in my life because of what I've gone through. I honestly and totally thought he was different. I knew him in high school... I crushed on him in hs and he said he crushed on me back then. I mean, it felt like a story book setup almost. And we have great sex... the best I've ever had. This is my dream guy. He has the right intelligence, drive, ambition, sexiness, whatever. Seriously my dream guy because I've never had feelings for anyone like this.

And all of a sudden, he's telling me he just wanted to have sex with me. That I was really good and he cares about me, but that he doesn't care about me as a girlfriend. I had asked him ahead of time, before sex, that if he just wanted sex to let me know and we could decide on that. He said that he thought that I wanted to think about it back then and ultimately would have said no, so he led me on. I told him, what I meant by "think about it", was to be ready so as to not get anyone hurt and for it to be fully consensual, not coerced or forced. I've been raped twice and had several abusive and bad relationships, so if I'm gonna just have sex with a guy, I want it to be right and mutually agreed on. Every step of the way, I gave him "outs" or told him to be honest and he lied every step of the way. For what? Getting in my pants? Is that really all I am to these guys? Just female organs?

Is it really that good that the person I am gets pushed to the wayside? I'm a good person. I promise, scarleteen, I really am. I know people say that, but I really am. I actually care about people and love them and want to help. I try to never be jaded or malicious. And everyone says I'm toooooo nice. And I know I wear my heart on my sleeves, but at least I have a heart. And my heart beats and I breathe and no one cares. I am intelligent. I have a high gpa... I'm talented at different things. I'm pretty, and sweet, and sometimes funny. I like to bake, I like nostalgia, and dancing... but it doesn't matter... because as long as I got my warm lady parts... that will always trump everything else.

And maybe that's all I am... I used to have sex with practically random people all the time because I was trying to fill a hole... because I was looking for love in all the wrong places. So I stopped looking. And I stopped putting myself in unsafe sexual situations. I waited a year and a half, and I chose to have sex with this guy. I chose to. And for the first time, I didn't feel guilty or bad afterwards. And it didn't matter, because he was using me all along. He was just better at it. Seriously, I know this guys family. His brother (who's the sweetest thing) is good friends with my family. I didn't ever think people could be like this though... I didn't think he could. This is something you see from a movie... I can't explain how betrayed and setup I feel... i feel like despite all I did to lay it out there to not be hurt, I'm the always the one. I'm the one who can barely type this this morning, through my tears and swollen eyes.

I don't know where to turn to. I am in between therapists right now. And the clinic therapist that I saw before, said they can't help me. And I called the hotlines, but no one answered last night after like 15 minutes and I fell asleep...

And the guy said that he cares about me as a friend... but I'd never do that to a friend. He said he wants to buy me dinner this weekend to make it up... As if dinner will erase everything. As if dinner is what I wanted. As if dinner will pay me off for all the good times?

I don't want to hear that the right guy will see all these great things about me... because it sucks that it takes the 'right guy' to see that. Where is the respect for femalekind/womankind/humankind in general? Where is the honesty? Where is the respect for me because I am a living, breathing person? I probably don't even respect myself.

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Think of me, when you're out, when you're out there...

Posts: 34 | From: Georgia | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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DreamCatches: OOF.

I am so, so very sorry to hear all of this: it sounds very hurtful and I can certainly understand you having the hard feelings you are right now.

I also very much understand you saying that you feel disrespected and not seen as a whole person. I can't imagine how anyone would NOT be feeling like that in your position right now.

Besides listening to you talk about these feelings, how would you like for us to help you out here? Are you looking for problem-solving in terms of moving forward, and better protecting yourself as well as being more likely to only enter into the kind of relationships you want? Or help with self-care right now and you're having these feelings? Or something else....?

[ 08-28-2013, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DreamCatches
Neophyte
Member # 48877

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I'm sorry, I wasn't very clear earlier. I'm just feeling very overwhelmed today. I would like tips on how to protect myself in future endeavors and help with self-care too. I'm trying my hardest to not resort to nssi... but it's hard. I feel like I'm about to burst with too much emotion and whatnot. I'm scared of what I may do to myself... I just don't understand. Like why is this happening. what did i do to deserve this? I must really be an evil person... I just don't understand with my history of being raped and being used and abused, why someone who knew me for years would continue that pattern... I just don't get it... I don't know how to be a human if this is what being a human is about. It seems like every man I come across that shows interest in me or that i could be interested in, is just out to get me... like what am i doing wrong? why do i deserve all these things... why is kindness such a weakness... why am i the one crying and wanting to hurt myself... and he's probably perfectly fine ... why do i still love him? why am i so pathetic? maybe those are my real questions... the questions I really want to know...

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Think of me, when you're out, when you're out there...

Posts: 34 | From: Georgia | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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No need to apologize: it's hard to be clear when we're hurting like this. I just wanted to see where you'd like us to get started, that's all. [Smile]

I don't think things like this have anything to do with what someone "deserves." Instant karma isn't a real thing, nor does someone from on high -- if you ask me -- make decisions about our interpersonal relationships. Only the actual people in them do that.

And I certainly don't think anyone "deserves" abuse, maltreatment or to be treated like anything less than a whole person.

I don't think it sounds like this guy was out to get you: to me it sounds like really, he was in for his own self-interest, and not really seeing you much at all outside what he wanted from you.

If and when we have a long history of abuse and assault, that can sometimes hone our skills in seeing those things coming, but that kind of history can also sometimes make it tougher for us to see the bad stuff -- or even stuff that isn't bad as it is so much just crappy, or not at all what we want -- coming. It can make us more vulnerable, to be sure, and unfortunately, that can not only cloud our judgment, but others can see that vulnerability and exploit it. But too, some people don't even see it, or get at all what we've been through, so just don't even have the ability to be caring and sensitive in their choices with us.

Let's start first with the self-care, to get you through all of this, okay? It seems like pursuing another relationship or sexual interaction anytime soon, while you're this raw and feeling this wounded, would be a bad plan, so I'd say conversations about how to do that differently next time around would be premature: do you agree?

Have you yet seen this new piece on healthy self-care here on the site? http://www.scarleteen.com/article/crisis/selfcare_a_la_carte

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DreamCatches
Neophyte
Member # 48877

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Yes, that makes a lot of sense... I can see what you mean about someone not knowing that we are sensitive to certain things... I guess because I try to be very sensitive and either empathetic or sympathetic depending on the situation. But I can't expect others to be this way. It just hurts that he knew my history and still pursued what he wanted through lies, when he could have been honest from the beginning...I still have feelings for him that won't go away that easily unfortunately...

I will definitely check out your link however!

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Think of me, when you're out, when you're out there...

Posts: 34 | From: Georgia | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I certainly understand that it hurts. Really, this is one of those "Oh, the humanity!" moments that isn't even slightly funny. [Frown]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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