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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » I really messed up.

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Author Topic: I really messed up.
Daaante
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Hey again, i have no where else to turn to which is depressing no disrespect, I've messed up big time, seriously i mean there's messing up then there's MESSING UP. I gained a unhealthy pill habit shall i say, or i could just be blunt and say i got addicted to pain killers hence I've messed up. My kids are now officially living with my parents, i managed to push any friends that stood by me away, and the one person who has been there for me truly been there i managed to destroy in a 2 minute conversation today, and my family have gone from being all over me to barely even looking at me, and if my daughter even makes eye contact with me the look in her eyes of sheer hurt burns into my soul, i so badly just want to say im sorry and i love her, i don't even remember what happened, all i remember is going round my parents house with my kids then waking up in hospital after apparently nearly dying, hmm. I really don't need telling how selfish i am im reminded every time i look at her, although people do still feel they need to tell me. I just needed someone, but i cant really turn to my family or my friends, and if i sit in a room with my counsellor again this week im going to scream, so i guess i came back. :-\
(i really didn't know where to post it in sorry)

Posts: 56 | From: brighton east sussex England | Registered: Jun 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Dante,

I'm so, so sorry to hear how rough things have gotten.

I'm also sorry to hear that people have turned away from you, as this is clearly the time when you need the most help and support.


You won't hear any accusations of selfishness from us, so have no fear of that.

From your talks before with heather, it was clear how much pain you were in, and we also know that people often turn to drugs because they're in emotional pain.

Can you fill me in on what makes you not want to see your counselor again? it sounds like you're really, really needing some in-person support right now, not only to help with how miserable you're feeling at the moment, but to help you figure a way forward from here.

....and you know, you can tell your daughter that you love her. it may not change anything right now, but you are allowed to tell her that. It will help both you and her, I think, for you to tell her what you're thinking and feeling in a way that she can understand. is that something that feels possible for you?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Daaante
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Hey, thanks i think, its not that i mind seeing my counsellor i don't, but I've seen her everyday this week and on top of that I've had a drug counsellor three times this week, I've had my fill of counsellors and their claustrophobic offices and their brightly coloured walls that make my headache even worse, my patience is worn with it, i wont quit on it i know the importance of it, im just a little grouchy... My daughter cries when she's left in the room with me alone, she hides from me, she was hurt enough before and I've added to it, she's a little girl she shouldn't know this stuff, she sat in front of me and asked was it her fault did i do it because of her, utterly utterly screwed it up.
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Robin Lee
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Oh Dante, I can only imagine how terrible it is to see your child hurting like that.

Know though that children are resilient, and telling her that it's not her fault, and that you love her, is a good thing, even if it doesn't appear to help right now.

I certainly do hear you on being sick of counselors.




I'm wondering if it would be helpful for you to talk with your counselors about how to find some extra support for you right now.

just to let you know, I'm finishing up work shortly. Heather will be in tomorrow, though.

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Robin

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Daaante
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Its really not great i wont lie :-/
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Heather
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I'm so sorry to hear about all of this, Daante.

Can I first check in with you just to see how YOU are, right now? I mean obviously, you have still been deeply hurting, understandably.

But today, right now: how are you holding up?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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Im okay i guess, i don't really know, im pretty irritated for no good reason apart from i just am and im uncomfortable and tired which isn't really cheering me up. My god im moany im sorry
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Heather
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No need to be sorry: like I've -- we've -- said before, know you're in a space where I don't think anyone is missing the gravity of all you've been going through, and probably even before your wife's death, no less.

To say you have had a lot on your plate so far in life seems like the understatement of the century.

I'm glad to hear that you feel like you're okay, though.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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Its the only place i do feel okay at the minute, hmm it makes me feel bad that i haven't really been thinking about her lately, and i don't mean I've forgotten her cause i couldn't even if i tried, she just hasn't been on my mind, but when people ask me how im doing without her and i genuinely have to think what their talking about it doesn't make me feel good, but all I've really been thinking about is women and getting high which hadn't been particularly productive towards anything.
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Heather
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A lot of people who have lost people close to them struggle with those feelings: where you think of that person less and less, and often feel guilt about it. I know I went through that myself when I lost my first big love in high school.

You know that's okay though, right? I know what helped me a lot with that was thinking, remembering, that that person really would want me to move on as time passed, not stay stuck in that part of my life and my heart when they couldn't be there with me anymore.

Per the other stuff, what does that feel like for you: escapism -- ways to get away from what you're dealing with? Ways to punish yourself? Or to let off steam, or...?

[ 08-18-2013, 12:36 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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I guess i know its okay to feel that way, and a couple of weeks ago i did feel alright about it, life was okay the kids were fine, i just lost control, and i just think if she could see me now she's be i don't know disgusted, rightly so. The stuff a way to escape i think, nothing bothered me when i was high, i didn't have to think, i didn't feel anything but good, and hooking up with people is just so im not alone.
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Heather
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Personally, I'd presume that if you two cared about each other, and she had the capacity to see you know, she'd understand how hard what you're dealing with is.

I certainly understand feeling lonely, and if you're hooking up in ways that are safe, consensual and feel emotionally and physically good to you and whoever you're having sex with, that's certainly nothing we probably need to be concerned about.

Obviously, developing addictions to drugs or staying high all the time is another matter. What things have you found, when sober, you feel like you want to run away from the most? What things have seemed to make you want to go for escape the most?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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The guilt, all i was meant to do was protect my family, keep them happy and safe and together and i failed miserably. The fact that this time last year i had everything EVERYTHING, i had a wife, a kid, a kid on the way, friends, family, and this year i don't, im literally hanging onto the custody of my kids by the skin of my teeth,
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Heather
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I understand.

What I'm hearing in some of what you're saying here sounds like you feel that you were, all by yourself, responsible for taking care of your family and protecting them from everything, perhaps including things we can't protect anyone from, like illness, death or loss.

I'm also hearing you express that before -- what happened? Your wife's death, or more than that? -- you felt like you had everything a person could have, and some of what you're feeling here is about then losing so much, perhaps feeling like you've fallen from grace, for lack of a better term?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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I guess i wrapped my daughter up i protected her from everything that was dark, or scary, or ugly. Even the things i couldn't control i did my up most best to keep her protected from, i did the same with jay, i wasn't controlling at the end of the day i knew who was the boss, they were the people i loved most in the world i would of done anything, i never thought that my daughter would of needed protecting from me. Before she died i felt like i did have everything, it got stressful, really stressful she was pregnant, worked more hours than i slept, my biggest concern last year was that i was stressed i couldn't really complain, having gone from then to now, i don't know it feels like I've been blown up.
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Heather
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In general, I'd say parents who love their children want to protect them. Nothing wrong with that.

At the same time, you know you can't actually protect them from things outside your control.

So, with something like your wife's death? Outside your control. With things like your own choices and behaviour? Those you can control.

I can certainly understand that going from feeling like, for the most part, you had so many things together, especially when you're still so young, to so much loss, in a very short period of time would really be overwhelming. Are you still working with the grief counselor? If so, what have they offered you around those feelings?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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I see my counsellor alot, and she wants to put me back on the CBT waiting list, and get re-evaluated by the doctor in the long term, but in the short term she wants me to go to a different support group next week.as well as trying to get the drug issue under control.
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Heather
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That all sounds like a good call to me: how do you feel about it? And what has she suggested for coping in the meantime?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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I feel if its something that will make life better then its something I'll do, and to keep a journal of thoughts and feelings, stick to a daily plan so i don't end up with lost time where I'd just get stoned, and to try and keep up with the things i like, and help me relax like meditation or kick boxing.
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Heather
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Those are two of my relaxing things, too. [Smile]

It's clear you're really committed to doing all you can here, and I really admire your dedication. I know that when we make mistakes or bungle things up it can be hard to remember all the ways we're trying hard or doing well, so I hope you can do that for yourself, and not lose sight of the fact that you're still here, and it really sounds like you have been doing some of the very best you can.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Daaante
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Thanks, i never really saw it like that i guess, I've had so much negativity drummed into me lately, i failed to see it in a different way, i don't know if i see the good yet, hopefully i will.
Posts: 56 | From: brighton east sussex England | Registered: Jun 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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