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Author Topic: I need some advice :/
justarandomgirl15
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Member # 101304

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I don't even know if this is where this is supposed to go, I just really need help figuring out what I should do, I don't have anyone else to talk to about it..

I have a guy friend and we're super close and all, and even though we aren't dating, we both have feelings for each other. He asked me if the next time I come over, if I'd want to have sex... I'm not going to lie, I want to, but he hasn't asked me out or anything :/ I'm super nervous, I don't know if that's just from the thought of having sex for the first time, Or if it's an instinct telling me not to. I really like him a lot and I don't want to mess up anything.

Please help!!

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Love is a curious thing....

Posts: 6 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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HI justarandomgirl15 and welcome to Scarleteen,

I have a few questions: Have you and this guy ever done anything sexual with each other before--for example, making out, touching, and the like? Have you ever engaged in these types of sexual activities with anyone else?

When you say he suggested that you have sex, I think you mean that he's interested in engaging in intercourse. Do you think that's what he means?

How comfortable do you feel with the idea of discussing your nervous feelings with him and telling him that you're trying to figure out whether this is right for you right now?

Can you fill me in on some of the pros and cons you're thinking of when you think of whether to have sex with him or not?

WE have a checklist that a lot of folks have found helpful in figuring out whether they're ready for engaging in sexual activities. Here it is:
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

How about you take a look through that as a place for us to begin to figure out whether this is something you want right now? How does that sound?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
justarandomgirl15
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Member # 101304

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We've touched and things, but very little, and I've only had one boyfriend before, and the only thing we did was kiss.

Yea, I know he meant intercourse, but I also know he's willing to do less if I'm not ready for it.

I've told him I'm not positive I'll be ready, and he seemed fairly understanding. Which was a relief for me.

I'm afraid that if I do OR I don't, either way it's going to mess up our friendship. I think, if I do, he'll be happy, but since this would be my first time, but not his, I'm afraid he'll be disappointed. I'm afraid if I do, that I'll do something wrong, but I'm also afraid that if I don't I'll miss out on something good... I've really liked him for a long time, before I knew he liked me too, and the chance of going that far is both amazing and terrifying.

I looked it over, and I feel like I'm ready in all the senses except the material. I have no way to get any of that with out my grandparents(I live with them) noticing, and they aren't people you can talk to about sex, or anything really. I don't know how my grandma would react if she found out, and frankly, I really don't want to.
I know he has access to condoms, and I'm positive he would use them if I requested,(He doesn't want to be a father yet, I am sure) But I have no way to get birth control, I have no way to even get to a doctor if I had to, everything has to go through my grandparents, and my grandma wouldn't even let me get birth control like the doctor suggested to keep me from having to have my period every month(I have extreme cramping about every other month and the doctor said that the pill could reduce how many times a year I had to have a period) so I know for a fact that she wouldn't take me it to get it so I could have sex. Sex is something no one ever talks about in my house, I learned everything I know from school and the internet. I just wish I could talk about it with someone close to me. But for now, I am very grateful for this site.

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Love is a curious thing....

Posts: 6 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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HI There,

So, you think that if you decided to have intercourse with him that he would be happy. Do you think you would be happy?
In terms of doing something wrong, that's really not possible. Any kind of sex, as long as all parties consent to it, isn't about getting things right or not right. [Smile] Engaging in sexual activities with a partner isn't a performance; it's an equal sharing of experience.


You know, I like to think of other sexual activities besides intercourse as just other, rather than less. So I don't think that a decision, no matter who makes it, to not engage in intercourse is depriving either partner of anything. You worry about what this might do to your friendship. has your friend indicated that your friendship is contingent on sexual activity?

It sounds as if you not only don't have access to sexual healthcare right now, but that you actually have barriers to accessing sexual healthcare. While intercourse isn't any more or less valuable or important than any other activity, it does carry more risks with it. Do you feel like those risks, and the possibility of having to get your grandparents' help should any of those risks manifest, are risks you want to take right now? (There's no right answer; we're just exploring this.) [Smile]

I also want to check in with you: Since you don't really have anyone to talk about sexual information with, is there anything you think you need more information on?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
justarandomgirl15
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I think I would be happy, I've liked him for a long time, and I've thought about this happening, but I never dreamed it actually would, so it's kind of a shock and I'm not quite sure how I'll feel.

He hasn't said anything like that, but I feel if I say no, I'll hurt him, I'm not really afraid he'll be mad or hate me, but that he'll feel as though I don't want to. But I also feel that if I do, and it doesn't go well, that everything will end up awkward.

I'm not sure, when I think about it one way, I think it would be worth taking those risks, but if I look at it differently, I feel like it's not, and I'm not sure which side I feel I should lean towards. Both feelings are equally strong and it's all so confusing.

I can't really think of anything else I really need to ask about right now, but thanks. If I do, I'll be sure to ask. [Smile]

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Love is a curious thing....

Posts: 6 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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When are you planning to see him next?

Do you think maybe you could talk to him about how you're worried that your decision, either way, could impact the friendship? After all, it's very possible that he's having some of the same thoughts and concerns. Also, since the physical act of being sexual with a partner is about, well, doing something with a partner, it also makes sense to discuss the emotional aspects of it too. (and yes, I know he's not your boyfriend or partner; I mean partner in the sense of somebody you do something with.)

Do you know what his previous experience with sexual activities has been?

IN terms of your lack of access to sexual healthcare, the risks are pretty real. If the two of you used a condom, and it broke, would you be able to access, and have the money to pay for, emergency contraception? Whether or not you could access emergency contraception, you would still need to be able to access pregnancy testing, either through a home pregnancy test or from a doctor or sexual health clinic. If you did have a contraceptive failure and bbecme pregnant, you would then have to talk to your grandparents.

My intention is not to scare you, but just to be clearer about what the risks could be.

There are also STI (sexually transmitted infection) transmission risks, depending on what your friend has experienced before sexually and whether he's been tested for STIs.

That said, there are a lot of sexual activities that are fun, pleasurable, intimate, and don't have pregnancy risks, though many do still have STI transmission risks. Do you feel like you have a good sense of what those activities are, a good sense of what all your options are, not just intercourse?

There are other reasons to consider your other sexual options as, for most (though certainly not all) women, intercourse all by itself isn't going to be terribly exciting or pleasurable. ON that, you might find this article informative:
With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
justarandomgirl15
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I'm planning on seeing him this coming week, though I'm not sure if I'll be able to.

I think I could probably talk to him about it, I think he would most likely understand.

I have a vague idea, and I know who the girls he's been with are for the most part, though if he has had sex with with anyone that I don't know, I'm not sure, it never really seemed like something I had the right to ask.

I knew all this could happen before, however, hearing it again has really reminded me that there is a lot to worry about. I don't have any money, or a way to get emergency contraceptives if something did happen. I also highly doubt access to a pregnancy test either...

I do know other things we could do, and we have talked about some of them a bit, and I think that they would be much better options.

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Love is a curious thing....

Posts: 6 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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HI There,

While it's not necessarily copasetic to grill someone on their sexual history, I think it is okay for you, since you're friends, to ask him if he's engaged in sexual activities with other folks and if so, if he's been tested for STIs. Either way, you can opt to use safer sex practices.

I do hope you understand I wasn't trying to scare you with laying out what you'd need to have access too; my intention was to see what you practically did have the ability to do if you needed it. sadly, practicalities can get in the way of unbridled fun sometimes. [Smile]

I'm headed out for the evening but would be happy to continue talking about any of this tomorrow if you still have thoughts or questions.

Also, here's an article on safer sex practices:

Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
justarandomgirl15
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I understand you weren't trying to scare me [Smile] Facts are facts, and I'm choosing to listen to them. I really don't want to risk getting pregnant or an STI and I can't believe I hadn't fiqured that out before!

Thanks so very much for your help [Smile] It's greatly appreciated. Talking about it was very helpful! [Smile] I'll read that article [Smile] Thanks!

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Love is a curious thing....

Posts: 6 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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You're most welcome. [Smile]

And as to figuring things out, it's often helpful to talk to someone when trying to figure out anything from big life stuff to what to make for dinner. [Smile]

Wishing you all the best and remember we're always here if you have questions or want to talk about this. [Smile]

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
justarandomgirl15
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UPDATE:

Hi [Smile]

This whole situation feels like forever ago, but I thought I'd give a little update on it. I did not have sex with him. However, he asked me out officially, on my birthday, and we've been dating, coming up on seven months now! [Smile] Since then, many things have happened. I was taken out of my home in March, and put in Foster care. I've been here since. I also got started on birth control which is rather nice.

Him and I are in a very happy relationship and I'm very happy to be with him. We have had sex, but he's never been one to pressure me to do anything I don't want to do.

Thanks again for helping me out before! This site is an amazing resource and I've been able to spread the word about it to my Human Anatomy class when we learned about sexual health, and also to a sexual assault worker to have as an extra resource. This site has helped me a lot, especially all the articles!

Thanks again so much!! [Smile]

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Love is a curious thing....

Posts: 6 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Hi justarandomgirl15,


You're welcome! I'm glad we could be helpful.
It's good to hear from you. I'm glad to hear things are going so well. You sound like you feel safe and confident.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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