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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » My ex is back - and wants me back

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Author Topic: My ex is back - and wants me back
Meggsy
Neophyte
Member # 104252

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We were together for over a year and we were regularly intimate. He cheated with another girl and I told him to go.
Now he is back but I have said its only casual not serious. I agreed to sex with him again - because I liked it with him BUT I now have two other friends I sleep with - recreational sex I refer to it as - not a commitment to be faithful to one or the other. I date both and they are happy with the arrangement - we get what we want and have fun. They are aware I share myself.
My ex is getting a bit posessive and wants me to stop with the others. I have said no as I dont believe I could love or trust him again.
I want him to go - am I being unreasonable or is he.

Posts: 37 | From: Sydney Australia | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI Meggsy,

Well, it sounds like both you and he want different things. He, from the sounds of it, wants a monogamous commitment, while you want to engage in sex with multiple people and not have a deep emotional or relational commitment with any of them.

So, neither of you is being unreasonable in wanting what you want, but your wants aren't really compatible with each other.

So, taking the question of who is being reasonable out of this, what do you want? Do you want to continue as you have been, which, from the sounds of it, might mean not being involved with your ex anymore? Are you interested in still being with your ex? If so, what compromises would you be willing to make to make that happen?

It sounds, here, as if you're not interested in a committed relationship with anyone. Am I understanding that correctly?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Meggsy
Neophyte
Member # 104252

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My ex - has been given his marching orders - for good this time. I am enjoying my life now and the fact I am not committed allows me to do what I wish and not submitting to his every demand -
and I am enjoying my freedom.
I have visited a nude beach with my new found friends and made some wonderful new aquaintences and the feeling of freedom and expression is amazing. My previous experiences with nudity was only having sex. I realise now there is a new meaning to nudity and its not just sex.
My two new friends have been labelled Friends with Benefits which we all enjoy alone or together. I now understand the real meaning of a a threesome and its not "always" sex. I respect them both and they respect me and for once I can achieve some of my own wishes,desires and pleasures.
My biggest problem now is explaining to friends how I can have two boyfriends without one being jealous of the other. I treat them both equally and we can and do enjoy life and its pleasures together thus Friends with Benefits.

I am not ready to settle down - I have my agenda and its not marriage and kids yet - life is more exciting and fulfilling - I am catching up at last.
Thank you for your interest and reply.

Posts: 37 | From: Sydney Australia | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Patricia H
Volunteer-in-training
Member # 103815

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Yay! I'm happy where you are headed now; looks like you've made some good decisions. Go you! [Smile]

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Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. - Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale

Posts: 234 | From: Hawaii | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Meggsy
Neophyte
Member # 104252

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Update
It has now been a month of being ex -free. It has been wonderful and I am not being dictated to by him and having to comply with his every demand.
My new friends have been wonderful and I cannot believe how wonderful it is to do as I please with who I please. Even though there is still three in the picture - neither of them is jealous of my relationships with either one and we are now just great friends. My girlfriends are curious as to how I can have two boyfriends and there is not a problem. The saying two is company and three is a crowd does not appy to me it seems and we can all be together in every way and have wonderful times.
How can I love two people I have been asked. I cant and I dont - I respect them and they respect me for what we are and what we do. Neither of them tries to be dominant. If I partner one without the other we all talk about the times we had when we get together again. Hardly a day goes by without me meeting with one or the other or both. I love it and being able to talk etc openly to them and not be dominated by my ex is a new experience I have learned to enjoy.
I hope I am not boring anybody - but freedom of thought and body is something I have not experienced for some time and i love it.I am a new girl.

Posts: 37 | From: Sydney Australia | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm really glad to hear that things are going so well for you! [Smile]

I'm a bit confused by your title, and then your post, though: it sounds like even if this guy is back, you feel very capable of holding your lines and staying away.

But I wanted to make sure, given your titles, that was the case, rather than you asking for help with that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Meggsy
Neophyte
Member # 104252

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Sorry I just replied (updated)to the previous posts using the same title.
My ex has gone forever. My current arrangement with my two boys who are inseparable friends is amazing.I had no idea how I would handle two boys at once, socially and otherwise. They handle things and we never seem to have a problem. I have learned to live without favouring one or the other.We are a threesome in everything we do. They make it so easy for me and any concerns I may have had have never matererialised. I dont think it will ever reach the stage where I will have to choose one or the other in the near future. That is something I will worry about IF it ever becomes necessary. I must admit I did feel I may need some more advice after a week or so - but things have worked better than I could ever have imagined. Life is wonderful - again.
Thanks for your advice and concers.

Posts: 37 | From: Sydney Australia | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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