My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years now and our sex life is terrible. At first we did not have much of a sex life at all since we were only 16 and 17 years old but after the first 6 months we started messing around all the time (lots of foreplay and fingering). After about a year or a year and a half, she got on birth control. She takes the pills, a low dose though because too much will give her blood clots. This allowed us to feel better about penetration and so we had sex a little more often for about a month. After that, everything went down hill.
Now, with me being 20, my sex drive is through the roof. I would figure that my girlfriend's sex drive would be as well now that she is 19 but I am wrong. Ever since she has started taking her pills, we have been having sex once a month if I am lucky. At one point we went 5 months without having sex. The only time we have sex now is when she takes pity on me and gives me a release, and even then she just doesn't seem into it, she just basically lets me have my way with her (which is fine sometimes but it is an every time thing and it has gotten boring. It is a real turn off for me now).
I have talked to her several times about this and explained to her that it makes me feel like she is not sexually attracted to me anymore or that I just do not satisfy her and she has told me that I am wrong, I do satisfy her and she is very much so sexually attracted to me. The last time we spoke about this (last week), she finally gave me two reasons why we do not have sex: 1) She does not have a drive anymore to have sex at all. She just doesn't feel the need to. 2) She also feels like sex is something special that should be had on special occasions.
I completely understand that sex is special and that it would be great to have on special occasions but it is also the physical connection shared between the two people in the relationship. We have a strong mental and emotional connection but we are losing, or maybe have already lost, our physical connection.
As far as the losing her sex drive thing, I don't really know what to do. I have asked her to talk to her doctor about it but she is really hesitant in doing that (she doesn't seem to want to). I don't know what else to do.
Do you guys have any advise for me or any options for me on what I can do?
No matter what, thank you guys so much. I really appreciate this website and all that you do.
Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Ultimately, I think one of the hmmms with this is that while I understand and hear that you would rather be engaging in sex far more often than you are, and feel concerned her pills or some other health issue may be why she doesn't, all of this really hinges on how she feels and what she wants, too.
In other words, if she isn't bothered by how frequently or infrequently she feels a desire for sex, or she isn't concerned and doesn't feel it's a health issue she needs to investigate, than that's just something you'll need to accept. And the same would be true were the shoe on the other foot.
This honestly may not be related to her BC pill, and given some of what she seems to be saying here, I'd suspect it's more likely it isn't than it is, because of her saying things like she would prefer if sex happened more rarely, only at "special" times. It also sounds like it might be, for her, that the relationship and her feelings in it are changing a bit: it sounds like she just might not be feeling a desire to have this be a sexual relationship. or much of one, anymore. Her doctor likely wouldn't be able to help with any of that, because, in a word, this isn't sounding like it's a health or medication issue to me. It could be, sure, but that strikes me as unlikely.
Personally, I'd also suggest that at this point, you let go of telling her things like how her not having sex with you as often as you'd like makes you feel unattractive. Those are real feelings, and I don't mean to discount them, but it seems like you've been clear about what you wanted and how this difference between you makes you feel. I think saying any of that any more is only going to feel like pressure to her.
Where does all of this leave you?
Well, with some choices. Given that when we have a partner who wants sex less frequently than we do, that's just something we have to accept, does this feel like something you can live with? How about with the fact that it sounds like when you do engage in sex, it feels very one-way, and she doesn't seem to be very actively participating? Is that a sexual dynamic you can, and want to live with?
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