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Author Topic: Don't know what to do anymore
Bbk2k11
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My boyfriend and I have been going through too much in the past years we been together . the bad takes over the good. He has hurt me more than I know even though we have had good times, I always think about the bad when we are together. I decided to break it off as soon as I got out for the spring semester. He wouldn't leave me alone and constantly begged and begged for me to take him back. This whole yr has been hectic. He didn't buy me anything for my bday and didn't even bother to make it up to me. I even bought him something for his bday which is a week before mine. he didnt even bother to spend time with me other than coming over to have sex for his bday. he didn't start caring about showing me the attention I deserve until I met someone that became a really good friend to me. We clicked very well, our chemistry was like no other. I could talk to him for hours and he always made me feel positive about life. Once he found out I met a new friend everything went downhill for about 4 months causing me to not focus on school and my grades to go down.! I always try to maintain my relationship with my new friend cause he began to mean something to me and I didn't want to let him go like I did with everybody else I met.
My boyfriend was very possessive and controlling so every time I met someone he would tell me to cut it off or if I tried going somewhere he would get mad. I had to let this go as you can see. This summer later in may this guy i was talking about and I began to talk serious and I must say this has been the happiest I have ever been in past 7 years of my ex and I relationship . Every since I met him I have never been so happy, it's like we clicked from the beginning. I always let go of a good man every time one comes around for my ex because I didn't want to see him hurt. I finally put my feelings first and it was the best decision I ever made so why does it feel like the worst decision !! My ex constantly tells me he has grown into a man but I'm tired of giving chance after chance to someone who hurt me each time. Why is it so wrong to give someone else a chance at loving me. He was my first serious relationship. My first everything really !! I don't know what to do anymore because I don't feel the same way !!

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Robin Lee
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HI Bbk2k11,

Am I understanding correctly that you've broken things off with your ex but he is still badgering you to get back together with him?

There's nothing wrong with you that that relationship doesn't work for you anymore. It's understandable that it feels sad and uncomfortable. Any change, no matter how good it feels, can also have sad and uncomfortable feelings around it. After all, regardless of how the relationship was, you still were with your ex for seven years. That's a long time!

What I'm not getting a good sense for here is whether these feelings of worry over this decision you made are coming from you, or whether it's because your ex is giving you a hard time about it.

How do you feel about your ex continuing to talk to you and ask you to come back to him?

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Robin

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Bbk2k11
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The worrying feelings are not coming from me. I'm only worrying because of what he is telling me. He always said that we been through so much together why let it go so easily. He says he learned from his mistakes and he is a better person from that. He can't see his life without me and he know what he has now..etc. He fails to realize that I'm the one who has been going through this not him. When he cheated on me those many times, I was the one goin through it. He regrets his decisions so much and he said he hurts so much become of them because he lost a good girl but he always knows how to make me feel guilty about my decisions !!

I don't want to talk to him. He is getting aggravating because he want give me space to breather even when I ask for it !! I don't mind us being cool but it always end up with him trying to get back with me or buy his way into it. For example, he told me he wanted to propose to me but come to find out the ring only costed $13 and when I find out the price he told me that he never said he wanted to propose to me. Am I worth that much really ?

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Robin Lee
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You're entitled to make the decisions you need to make for yourself. It doesn't sound to me, either, like you have let go "so easily". (Even if you had, that would still be okay.) It sounds like you've been through a lot with him, and you've decided the benefits just don't outweigh the drawbacks for you anymore.

So, you're allowed to tell him to leave you alone, and to keep telling him until he gets the message. Has he been bothering you in person? Can you stop answering his calls and texts if that is how he's getting in touch with you?

What do you feel like you need in order to feel confident about your decisions regardless of the things he says to you?

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Robin

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Bbk2k11
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He shows up at my place though. All i asked for is space to clear my mind from all this clutter !! He want give it to me at all
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Robin Lee
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So, when he shows up, what happens next?

What do you think about, the next time he shows up, reminding him that you've asked for space, that his showing up doesn't count as giving you space, and that you want him to leave?

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Robin

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Bbk2k11
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I do say that he doesn't get it though. He begs for me to get back with him
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Robin Lee
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What are things you can do to avoid talking to him at all? For example, can you refuse to answer the door when he comes around?

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Robin

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Bbk2k11
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I done everything from not answering the phone, no reply to txt, & not answering the door none of it is working
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Robin Lee
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How often is he contacting you? It sounds, to me, like he's harassing you--harassment is unwanted contact that persists and doesn't stop upon requests for it to cease.

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Robin

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Bbk2k11
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Everyday. I don't want to do anything about calling the police because I still love him I just want him to give me space
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Patricia H
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Have you been clear to him as to what you want? If he refuses to give you what you want and have asked him for, he's showing that he doesn't respect your desires, and that can be troublesome.

I understand you not wanting to call the police, but it's still good to have access to impartial third party authorities to step in in case something like this turns into something bigger than you can handle. Do you have any trusted adults and/or close friends you could rely on to potentially step in and help you enforce your boundaries?

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Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. - Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale

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Heather
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If I can pitch in here, I think you also just need to evaluate your options here, and understand you have limited choices at this point, but have to make one.

If you aren't willing to make any kind of report, and asking this person to stop harassing you isn't working, then really, your only other options left are a) figure he is not going to stop, and you are choosing to live with this, including however it escalates (which I would not advise), and b) you can do things like change your numbers and move, to make it much harder for him to contact you.

Personally, I'd strongly suggest seeking out an order of protection and reporting, OR getting someone else you trust involved in this to help you take those kinds of steps.

Loving someone doesn't mean allowing them to terrorize you, and it's not like letting them do that shows them love. Nor does it help someone who clearly isn't behaving in healthy ways to help themselves and learn healthy ways of behaving: all it really does is keep you in danger, and send them a message that you don't think what they're doing is as serious as it is.

I know taking action around this isn't easy, especially when you do have the kinds of feelings you have for someone, but I earnestly do not think enabling this person in any way is safe or sound for either of you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bbk2k11
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I understand. Just hard ignoring someone you have feelings for especially when you care .
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Heather
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I hear you, and I know it is.

But I think it can help to think about what NOT ignoring them, and not setting and holding limits does. In other words, that actually doesn't demonstrate care and respect: it just enables that person to keep behaving badly and in unhealthy ways, which certainly isn't about caring for them OR yourself.

Maybe put it this way: if this person kept hitting their head against the wall, literally, would you do what you could to stop them, knowing that's about harm? Or, would you let them keep doing it, even though they were hurting themselves?

Really similar situation here, save that they're not just hurting themselves, they're hurting you, too.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bbk2k11
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I totally understand. I just have this guilty feeling that maybe I should give him another chance since 7 years is a long time and we been through ALOT. I don't feel like I'm getting progress because I still don't know what to do.
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Heather
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I agree, seven years is a long time.

But I'd say what's important here about that is that if, with that length of time in a relationship with you, this person doesn't have the kind of basic respect for you to NOT harass you? Then they're never going to, IMO.

And I'd say seven years of more bad than good makes it very clear that the bad is the pattern here, and clearly, trying to make it better hasn't worked for you at all.

In other words, seven years of trying to control you and making you feel bad? Still happening. And not even remotely likely to stop unless you put a stop to it and finally get yourself away from him. He clearly isn't going stop this behavior, so it's on you to do all you can to make it stop for yourself here.

I'd, personally, maybe also try and look at your own patterns of behaviour with this because those are things you can control. How has doing things the way you have with this guy in the past benefitted either of you? How has it kept either of you from hurting or being hurt? And might you have some of your own attachment to these patterns? Sometimes we do have attachment to things or people that are bad for us, and if we can get to the why -- like, just as some examples, that we feel scared of new things or people, that we only really know how to interact in crisis, that we feel like we need to "win" by magically making a bad relationship or situation better, or "fix" someone broken -- it can be a lot easier to take the action we need to to create better patterns for ourselves.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bbk2k11
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I always forgave him in the past and believe him over anyone else. So with me being so forgiving, he could just run over me because he knew that I will always come back, like I would always be there no matter what.
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Heather
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It's great you have this kind of self-awareness around this: I think it'll be really useful to you.

In other words, sounds like you have had a long-running pattern of giving him the message that it's okay with you that he acts the way that he does. Because if it wasn't you'd set and hold limits that, if he crossed, would have real consequences for him. Effectively, that's enabling the way he treated you, and kind of making sure it kept on happening, rather than changed or stopped, even if keeping the crappy stuff going wasn't what you wanted at all.

So, to create change, that pattern has obviously got to be broken, by you, right?

Of course, it also sounds like this is new to you, something you haven't really done before, so no wonder it's so challenging for you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bbk2k11
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Yes it's extremely challenging especially when your so use to putting someone's feelings before your own. It's like when you finally decide to put your feelings first for once you feel bad for it because the other person isn't happy
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Heather
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I understand.

I'd suggest trying to recognize that in a relationship of quality, one between equals -- and where people are partners, not one when person is a parent and the other a child -- everyone's feelings need to be in the mix. And when someone WANTS a relationship of quality, that's really the only way anyone is going to be happy, because someone with the capacity to be intimate well, to really love someone,doesn't want something one-sided in that way.

But again, I'd also say that no one is served by someone letting them control a whole relationship, or continue to do harm. One way to actually love someone well is to set and hold limits when they're behaving in hurtful, harmful ways, because it then requires they work to be their best selves. Which is good for all of us!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bbk2k11
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You are so right ! Thanks !
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