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Author Topic: Past jealousy
red_right_ankle
Neophyte
Member # 96202

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Hi scarleteen. First of all, thanks so much for existing. Love you guys.

Here's my situation that I need some help with, I've been dating this amazing 26 year old boy (i'm 22). I'm really, really in love with him and he's one of the best people I've ever met. We were seeing each other for a couple weeks in september, when suddenly my brother-in-law killed himself. As much as I cared for the guy ive been seeing at that time, I had to put things on hold. I told him I wasn't going to ask him to not see other people, because i didnt know how much time i needed, but he said i was worth waiting for. Things were off for about 3 months with us. I had heard a rumor that he had started seeing someone else, and that made me kick it into gear so I wouldn't miss my chance. A couple weeks after things started back up with us, he told me he had "gone on a few dates" with someone and that he was ending it immediately to be with me.

In the 3 months we were apart, I had a moment of weakness (wanted to feel anything except wishing i was dead as well) and slept with my ex. I told him about it after we had been together for a bit as well. This made me feel like I couldn't really ask any questions about the person he was seeing.

Recently, a mutual friend of me and the guy im seeing (one of my best friends, a close friend of his) brought up how he was seeing that girl. She didn't mean to make me feel bad about it, but i ended up asking her how long it was and she said she thought about a month. I hadn't realized it was more than maybe 3 dates, so I brought it up to him. After we talked about it, I found out that it was more like 6 dates, he had asked her out, and they had both engaged in oral sex.

He told me it was extremely causal and that it didn't mean anything. He also said that when he asked her out he told her that he and i had had a thing and she asked him what would happen if I wanted to be with him again and he told her that it would be over between him and her. He also told me the only reason he asked her out was to try and get his mind off me because those 3 months all he could think about was me and how he didn't think we would be together again.

With all these facts, all his honesty, and all his good intentions, I know I shouldn't be upset about it and that he didn't do anything wrong, but I keep thinking about them together and getting really upset. I feel like I almost see him differently, which is unfair, but I feel completely and totally awful. How can I shake these immature, insecure feelings?

Posts: 9 | From: Chicago | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Thanks for that lovely thank you. [Smile] I'm so sorry about the loss of your brother-in-law.

You know, it sounds to me like this is probably one of those situations that'll probably just fade out in time.

In other words, you've thought it all through a lot, and really well, and know the way you're feeling about this right now stands counter to what you know makes sense and is wise. You also know that this was something where no one broke any agreements, and you both were sexual with other people, and I figure that means you also know a double-standard around this wouldn't be sound.

This sounds really fresh, though, and like you're both also just getting back into the swing of things again, where you'd be seeing each other differently regardless just because you really haven't been together save those first two weeks before big trauma hit you, and so on.

Wht do you think? Does this feel like something you can just give some time to see if it waters down on it's own? It sounds that way to me, but you'll be the better judge of that than I.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
red_right_ankle
Neophyte
Member # 96202

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Thanks so much for the fast reply.

I hope you're right and that it will get better with time. I just found out they had been sexual yesterday, so it is extremely fresh right now. I guess I'm just scared that it won't go away. Up until now, I didn't think about him seeing that girl often, but when I did, I didn't feel great.

He and I have made huge efforts to have a really good communication system set up, so keeping that open will help me, too.

I guess I was hoping for some magic trick to stop being jealous, but I'm just going to give myself a day or two to be sad, and then work on positive thinking about it.

Thank you so much Heather.

Posts: 9 | From: Chicago | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Oh, so WAAAAY fresh.

Yeah, I'd say not even give this a day or two, but probably more like a few weeks. Figure you get to have these feelings -- they're just feelings, after all, and feelings can tend to be really fluid -- go ahead and feel them, but get back into this some more and settle a bit more in. talk this out some if need be: maybe he's feeling the same way with you, after all?

Maybe that won't do the trick, but by all means, if it doesn't, you know where to find us to try something else. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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