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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Next time, listen to Heather.

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Author Topic: Next time, listen to Heather.
vaLLey_1996
Neophyte
Member # 107678

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I did it even when you said I should wait. It was awful. And I am aware it was my fault, so there is no need to say "I´m sorry".

I feel like all my work from the last year is gone now. I feel so stupid.I just wanted to prove to myself I was strong enough to deal with everything.

I wish I could turn back time. Maybe 5 years ago when everything was so easy.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, sometimes we learn things, find things out by listening to someone, or reading about something. Other times, we find them out by doing them.

I assume you mean you went ahead and tried to engage in sex, even though you didn't feel ready and were getting triggered when you tried?

If so, okay, you did that. You got advice to the contrary and did it anyway, but so it goes: we all do that sometimes.

And sounds like you found out that wasn't a good idea for you.

Okay, so now you know that, too.

I am sure that that choice didn't possibly have the power to undo all the healing work you've done. Seriously. How on earth could it?

I think you know already how I feel about sex "proving" a survivor is strong, and that I get you think that, but I disagree with you that had bupkis to do with strength. So, I don't think this going badly proves you're not strong. It just proves that, like your triggers were telling you, this isn't something you're ready for yet.

Sounds like now you know for sure.

So, how about moving forward from there, rather than beating yourself up about it? You found a thing out: now that you have that knowledge, what's next? [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hello vaLLey_1996,

It sounds like things did not go well at all. You're not a failure though, not for making the decision you did, and not for not listening to Heather. If you're worried that Heather will be angry with or disappointed in you for deciding this after talking with her, I'm really pretty sure I can speak for her and say that she really won't be.


It feels awful to be hurting as much as it sounds like you're hurting right now.
What can we do to help you right now?

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Robin

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vaLLey_1996
Neophyte
Member # 107678

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I don't think Heather will be mad at me. I think it's enough with me being mad at myself.

What's next? I have NO idea right now.

You said it can't undone all my work, but feel like I did at the beginning. Thinking about it 24/7. Dreaming with it.

I'm not trying to beat myself up. I'm just trying to pull myself together again. I am totally aware this is my mess.

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Karybu
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

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In terms of what's next, how about putting some thought into what you've learned about yourself and where you're at from this experience, and figuring out what you need in terms of support and help moving forward?

You might want to see if you can start trying to shift out of the mindset that you need to pull yourself together again, or that you've created a mess that you need to clean up. Cut yourself some slack, eh? You haven't ruined everything, you made a choice that wasn't a good one for you, but that happens to everyone, and you can (as cliched as it is) learn a lot from it. You have information now that you didn't before, information that you can use in your healing process.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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