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Author Topic: Not a virgin but still had trouble with penetration
Nervousgirl93
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I have had sex before. So has my significant other. However, the other day we tried to have sex for the first time and he wasn't able to penetrate. He was fully erect. His genitals are not bigger than that of other people who I have had sex with without problems.

I was also raped in the past. Is it possible that I am scared or nervous? What isn't working? I really like him and would hate for us not to be able to have sex.

[ 05-16-2013, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: Nervousgirl93 ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, not having engaged in intercourse before really isn't the only time or reason people can have issues. As well, some people do just fine with first-times.

But when they don't, the reasons are pretty much the same as when, at any time, people have troubles with it.

Can you fill me in more on how this all went?

For instance, was this something you felt a strong physical and emotional desire to do? When you tried, were you already very highly aroused, using plenty of lubricant? had you already taken your time getting there that day, engaging in other sexual activities that turn you on first?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Nervousgirl93
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Hi Heather, thank you so much for answering me and helping me.

It was something that I felt a strong desire to do. We had been engaging in foreplay for quite a while. He was extremely kind and considerate and asked for my consent before doing anything. However we haven't been dating for that long. Although I have known him for almost 4 years we have only been dating for a few weeks. I usually wouldn't rush things but since I have known him for so long and feel comfortable with him I wanted to do this. I was aroused, although I was a little nervous too. We weren't using any lubricant but I never have before and have never had problems.

Thanks again.

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Heather
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Okay, so sounds like you have some clues here.

For instance, maybe now you DO need lubricant. Often, I'd say most often, people do for intercourse and entry to feel it's best.

maybe you were too nervous, and need more time to get to know this person a bit more in this particular capacity.

Sometimes, too, when we have known someone a long time, the emotional stakes can feel higher with sex, of any kind, so that could have made you feel more nervous, too.

Maybe *you* need to be the one initiating, rather than being asked by someone else? That can be a thing, too.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Nervousgirl93
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That all makes a lot of sense indeed. But do you have any idea why this is happening even if it hasn't happened in the past? Why would I need lubricant now when I never did in the past? Physically, what was happening? I usually know my body but I am having trouble understanding what was happening on a purely physical level.
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Heather
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You know, bodies change over time, all the time. As well, so do our sexualities, and sexual scenarios with one partner, at one time, can radically differ from those with another partner at another time.

So, really, when it all comes down to it, I'd say that changes in sexuality, sexual response, sex with different partners is more to be expected than things staying the same.

I can't tell you what was happening physically in any kind of exact way, because I don't live in your body. But nervousness tends to have an impact, often a big one, on sexual response. In terms of the vagina, for instance, those muscles tend to be tighter and way less yielding when we're nervous. We also will usually lubricate less, or not at all, when nervous as opposed to feeling more relaxed.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Nervousgirl93
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That's great to hear. Thank you so much. So I shouldn't be scared that I will never be able to ever have sex with him? Is it at all possible for two people to simply not be able to have sex with each-other? Perhaps when I feel more relaxed and comfortable things will go more smoothly?
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Heather
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I'd say that one attempt at one kind of sex is hardly enough tires to even consider that that kind of sex just isn't possible with a person. That seems like a truly tremendous jump to me.

By all means, some kind of sex or some positions for a given kind of sex just won't work sometimes for any two bodies trying to fit themselves together. But again, one try at something? That's just barely starting to experiment, and explore and practice to have any ideas about that.

Let's try going in a productive direction: so far, given this conversation and your feelings, what do you think you might need for the next try to go a bit better for you both?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Nervousgirl93
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I did forget to mention that we tried both with him on top and then with me on top. It is true that we tried only once however.

I am not completely sure how to move forward however. Should I suggest lubricant to him? Should I talk to him about it? Or should I try taking things a little slower and try again once I have built more trust perhaps? Or all of these?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Sounds like all of the above to me.

You know, we have some good content on this on the main site: have you read any of that yet for ideas? If not, I'd be happy to hook you up with some links. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Nervousgirl93
Neophyte
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I actually haven't read anything yet. I would very much appreciate some links if you would be willing to send some to me.

Thank you so much again.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You're welcome. [Smile] Here you go:
• From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse
• Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry
• Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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